This Horse is Smarter Than You

Meet Cholla (pronouced 'Choya') an artist from Reno, NV who, at the age of 24, is already winning awards at juried art competitions in Italy and getting solo exhibits from San Francisco to New York. Oh, and he's a horse. Apparently he miraculously 'picked up' painting after he got into the habit of following his owner around when she painted the fence outside his corral. Eventually, she saw his potential to make money and gave him a paintbrush, watercolors, and a piece of paper. The rest, as they say, is history. His work has been (unironically) compared to Jackson Pollack and Resnick, and his paintings have sold for up to $2,200. Which clearly must make his owner and "assistant" Renee Chambers very, very happy. Shit, I'd be happy too if I had a horse that paid his own rent.

Art lover and critic John Yimin said of viewing Cholla's work on video: "I saw intelligence, purpose, and a differing vision exposed to me for the first time. I was and remain awed."

Fun fact: a horse has a brain comparable to the size of a large walnut!

Good Shit

What do you get when you mix the zen-like genius of Barack Obama, the pop culture appeal of MTV, the outstanding graphical lyricism of Shepard Fairey, and a shockingly unoffensive white rapper? This uplifting video from a a progressive interactive communications agency located in San Rafael, CA called Ursa Minor. Watch it and just try not to have warm, fuzzy feelings inside. I dare you.

STUNNING

What in Baywatch hell happened to Pamela Anderson? She looks like she did one-too-many rails off a stripper's ass last night and got woken up by a dickslap to the face. Poor lamb needs to bathe in virgin's blood. It works for Nicole Kidman.

I'm beginning to think there's a Baywatch curse. David Hasselhoff, you're next.

The Hills is Back Bitches

And it's more boring and self-absorbed than ever. No, that's a good thing! It's what I like best about this show. I don't know who started that rumor that the 4th season's viewership was down, but they are obviously smoking butt hair, because it was explosive and my modern-day hero Justin Bobby was back in action as Chicklet-Teeth's main dildo, so I was ecstatic. And Spencer was an amazing douche, as always. I can't wait to follow these whores around for another season of pointless awkward silences and forced drama!

Spaghetti Cat!

 

A rep for Fox finally solved the mystery of Spaghetti Cat! Basically it was a completely random image of a cat eating spaghetti that popped up during a broadcast of The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet. They were discussing binge drinking and all of a sudden, without warning or provocation, the picture of Spaghetti Cat flashed on the screen. After a few seconds it went back to some teen sluts talking about binge drinking again. According to Fox's spokesbitch, Fox will show that image every time someone uses inappropriate language. They call it the new "bleep photo." 

I hope they have Denise Richards on that show soon. That way we'll get to see as much of Spaghetti Cat as possible. Hell, we'd see more of Spaghetti Cat than we would of Denise's fug face.

Ok Weezy, stop talking now

Weezy F. Baby was spitting some more nonsense at Blender Magazine this month. Mostly, it was all in good fun. When asked how he likes to waste time (and specifically, what he likes to watch on TV), he said,

"I don't watch anything where they go 'action' and 'cut' cause that means its not real. If I wanna see some acting, I can get 15 naked bitches to act out a scene. I'm a real life nigga. Life's too short for me to die tomorrow and the only thing I know about is the last episode of Law and Order."

But then he spilled this disturbing information:

"I wasn't ever no action-figure kid, if I wanted to fight, I'd fight for real." Wayne thanks his mother, Cita Carter, for this mentality. A tough-as-nails chef, she raised him by herself, teaching him early on how to act like a man. When he was in junior high, she gave him his first Glock, with instructions to empty it into the first guy that messed with him.

Maybe I'm just a little hyper-sensitive right now because I just finished the gut-wrenching 4th Season of The Wire, but WTF kind of woman does that shit? Was she trying to get him killed? I know I'm not allowed to have an opinion on this because I didn't grow up on the streets, I'm white, and I've never had the pleasure of being introduced to the juvenile justice system, but it seems to me that giving your middle school child a handgun only sets them up for, well, failure. In the form of death or dismemberment.

I wish he'd stop trying to rep his fucked up childhood like it's something to emulate. Inner city kids have enough obstacles to deal with. SMH.

This is a load of shit

That old ho John McCain is trying to sully Obama's reputation by comparing him to skanks like Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. All on the basis that he's reached a celebrity-like status. Ok look, just because he's smarter, more charismatic, better looking, and younger than McCain's ancient ass doesn't make him anything like Brit Brit Spears or Parasite Hilton. In order to be like them he'd have to start sleeping with half of Hollywood, spreading venereal diseases, showing papz his meat curtains, talking in a fake British accent, and living on a diet of Fraps and Cheetos. As far as I'm aware, he's not doing any of that.

Sorry McCain, you lose. And you're old.

Douche Bag

Finally, a definitive guide to identifying and singling out douche bags. It's pretty comprehensive, but they forgot to mention a douche bag bathes in Axe body spray and is more likely than not to be from certain parts of New York, New Jersey, Orange County, Miami, and San Diego. Unfortunately, they are definitely not isolated to those areas. If you ever come into contact with a particularly obnoxious douche, just tell him you saw a chick checking him out who looks like Amy Smart. Douches love Amy Smart.

Separated at Birth--haha

The cat has the squint down perfectly.

A Hooker was almost run over by a bike

Hohan was out with her hot bitch of a girlfriend this weekend when she was struck by a motorcycle outside of a nightclub. He may have just "sideswiped" her, but I have this delicious picture of her freckled, fire-crotched ass flying across the street and landing in a pile of steaming poo, so I'd like to think it was a little more spectacular than just getting 'nudged' out of the way.

Of course, Michael Lohan was sure to cancel all his church-related activities that day so he could field calls from reporters and tell them that she's doing "fine." He said, "She's not hurt. That's all I really care about." Ohh, stab at White Oprah! Expect a counter-statement from her in 5,4,3,2....

Sherri Sheperd is Profoundly Retarded, part II

This holier-than-thou bible-thumping illiterate half-ape has said some pretty retarded things in the past. She thinks the earth is flat, Christianity predated Judaism, and Shirley Ceasar is the black Patti LaBelle. Nuff said. But now bitch has opened her fat mouth again and revealed that not only is she a hate-mongering narrow-minded cow, she's a hypocritical hate-mongering narrow-minded cow. Go figure!

She recently told a Christian women's magazine: "I've had more abortions than I'd like to count." Apparently she used to be a Jehovah's Witness and a crackwhore, but Christianity changed all that. She said, "I ask the lord, 'why am I here?' I have to trust God when he says 'Because I said so.'" 

She also has to trust me when I tell her that God wants her to take a meat tenderizer and give herself a hysterectomy. We can't have this woman procreating. At least she doesn't vote.

Separated at Birth

On the left, Anderson Pooper. On the right, the Silver Fox himself. Which one would you rather hit? I'm not sure. On one hand, it would be weird having sexy times with a cat...and on the other...it would be weird having sex with someone who keeps calling you 'daddy' and begging you to stick a remote control in his Xenu hole. 

I'd go with Anderson Pooper.

Send them to Iraq!

In their relentless pursuit of infamy, dumb twatface and her whorebag BF want to go to Iraq to perform for the troops and show their young Republican pride. Because that is just exactly what shell-shocked marines on their fourth tour of Iraq want to be subjected to: the pathetic wail of a plastic horsey-faced donkey--and her significant other's creepy flesh-colored beard. 

When I carefully consider the possibilities though, I have decided it would be an excellent idea to send these cuntfucks to Iraq, as they conveniently personify everything that is wrong with America. But they better not fucking survive, or they'll have fodder for their next reality show.

Real Scary

Ahhhh! What the hell is Tomkat doing?! Why are they looking at me like I just questioned the existence of Xenu? This is the last thing you see before they capture you and chain you to a toilet in the basement of the Scientology Center with nothing but a bucket of barley water and a copy of Battlefield Earth. Scary stuff.

Reunion time, bitches!

There were so many "oh-holy-hell-i-can't-believe-he/she-went-there" moments on the Real World XX reunion episode, I don't even know where to begin. Will got called out for being the biggest whore in RW history, Joey revealed that you can now go to your local hairdresser and request "the Joey" (see above), and Brianna proved she was the only one of these tards with the self-awareness and maturity to look back on the experience in a reasonably levelheaded manner. She even forgave Kimberly and Sarah for being insufferably narrow-minded, hate-mongering bitches. I kind of love her now.

Hot Bitch

Gotta love an uplifting story like this. Tempest Storm is an 80-year-old stripper from Las Vegas. And bitch says she has no plans to retire her old pussy anytime soon because she's got too many fans who will be disappointed! Also, apparently she has (or had) a nice rack. In the 1950's she was dubbed "Girl with the Fabulous Front" and proclaimed the owner of the "Best two props in Hollywood." She also claims she bumped nasties with Elvis.

This is totally what Phoebe Price will look like in 50, I mean 10 years.

Absolutely not

What the fug are these? I'm all for rocking antiquated Roman fashion, but I draw the line at gladiators that go all the way up to the knees. Unless they're Balenciaga. I sure as shit don't endorse them being worn by Trolls though. Sorry MK. NEXT!

Note to Self: Yes

Kristin Cavallari is one of those by-products of Laguna Beach still trying desperately to cling to some kind of cultural relevancy. She's like a particularly stubborn case of toenail fungus. She just won't go away. And mostly, I think she sucks big hairy lesbian balls. Except this:

I want it all. The whole thing. Minus the fug-faced MTV wash-up, of course.

I can't hate

I never miss an opportunity to post some hotness brought to us by Weezy F. Baby. Here he is rockin' some Malcom X glasses at a show in Texas.

Gotta love the grill.

Sadness...

I just watched the season finale of The Real World Hollyweird. And no, I'm not crying. Okay, maybe just a little. I don't know why, but I've cried at the season finale of every single Real World since Miami. What can I say, I identify with the journey that these crazy whores go on. This season was just especially sad because I'll have to say goodbye forever to Joey's hot-douche-guido ass. And his spiky hair. Unless I ever feel like watching the next 5,000 seasons of The Inferno. Which I won't. 

Joey: goodbye you hot tranny bitch. Just please keep being exactly who you are.

This is not okay

Fucktard and Douche Breath took some of their $10,000 arsenal to the shooting range the other day and brought along their favorite Pap agency to take more "candids" of them. This is getting out of hand. If these two vaginas personify the American Dream, I want to move to the Gaza Strip. In fact, the only time I believe in promoting the use of violence is if it is being used directly against these asstards. So, all you hicks with personal assault weapons, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: Heidi uses abortion as a form of birth control and Spencer is a member of Greenpeace. Let the hate crimes begin.

Paris Hilton has an idea...

And shock of all shockers, it involves reality TV. I know, I never saw it coming either. Word is that she's pitched an idea for a show that will get hos like Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, The Olsen Trolls, and Nicole Richie all in one room--without the use of cocaine. Amazing! Here's the scoop:

According to a Paris pal, the hotel heiress got an inspiration watching both Dina Lohan's and Denise Richards’ new reality series. Her plan? To try to gather together as many targets of the supermarket press and paparazzi as she can.

Just imagine Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Tori Spelling — as well as Richards, Hilton and her former ”The Simple Life” co-star, Nicole Richie — together in one big two-hour special sharing "their side" of what it’s like to be them.

That concept alone reportedly has intrigued a couple of cable channels initially contacted about the concept: Bravo and Lifetime.

I'm not gonna lie. I'll be the first in line to watch this inane trash. And I'll love every minute of it. But really, will someone please fire a potato gun at Paris' head and give her a blanket infected with mesothelioma? And don't tell me that's not possible. I believe in possibility.

WTF happened to Hobie?!

Hobie was my favorite bitch from Baywatch. Ok, that's a lie, Logan was my favorite, but Hobie was my second favorite! I just hate seeing when steroids, dildos, and bronzer fuck up great TV actors of the '90s like this. Such a damn shame. And what's up with the redeye? Did he get dick-slapped across the face or something?

OMG, there so totally needs to be an Ultimate Douche-Off between this twink and Criss Angel. In Vegas. With midget strippers. 

Hot Jam of the Week

Discover the wonders of Bangers & Cash, the onetime collaboration of Spank Rock and Benny Blanco. Hot shit.

Douche Face

Ugh, who started all those dumb rumors that John Mayer is God's fucking gift? He looks like he reeks of douche juice: that's a mixture of Axe body spray, B.O., and Nag Champa. Not sexy. I can't figure out why Jenny is following him around like a dickmatized cat in heat. Besides, I bet her hooha is dried up like a chapped foreskin. There is no way Johnny's magic stick can fix that problem.

The Good Old Days

Britney flashed her hairy chocha this weekend to a crowd of delighted paps, which almost made me think that it was 2006, and everything that's happened in the past two years was just a really long, really awful dream. At least this is the surest sign that Britney is on her way to health. When Brit Brit is flashing her fur burger, all is right with the world.

Another sign she's getting back to normal: she got her first overnight visit with her sons that she's had since January, when she went batshit crazy. And no one died! I gotta say, after all that's happened to the poor lamb, I'm actually rooting for her at this point. She'll be dry-humping a male backup dancer at the VMAs in no time.

Ladyboner

Yep, that's what you're gonna get as soon as you see Verne Troyer's new sex tape. I have to admit I'm a midget-porn virgin, but I can't wait for Mini Me to pop my cherry. He's a hot little bitch. Remember when he was on the Surreal Life and he got drunk and peed in the house? That was funny.

I have no idea who the Ho is, but she's full-sized, so in addition to the wildly erotic sight of a midget with a boner, you'll get the pleasure of seeing a midget trying to hump a chick that's twice his size. I wonder what he's working with...

Manscaping

This is old news, but I'm a lazy whore and didn't get around to writing about it until now, so here it goes. Diddy waxes his balls. Or, to be more exact, he has some poor Vietnamese woman wax them for him. He's been blabbing to the media about it. Here's what he said:

"I'll have a manicure and a pedicure--and yes, I wax as well. Men owe it to women to make sure they are well-groomed."

Props on taming the jungle down there, but I call bullshit on the "doing it for women" thing. I think he just likes to watch his hairless balls bounce up and down on a big fat ass. You know he's got mirrors everywhere. He probably dips his balls in that "Unforgivable" shit too. Ugh, hairless, perfumed balls. Balls balls balls. Balls.

Balls.

Lil' Wayne is Richer than You

In an era where artists can't even give their albums away, Lil' Wayne did the seemingly impossible: he sold over 1 million copies of Tha Carter III in its debut week. Proving once again that cough syrup, an addition to weed and painkillers, and a rap sheet longer than Tyra Banks' forehead is a recipe for success! 

A Meeting of Two Great Minds

Latarian Milton, the 7 year-old who stole his gradma's car so he could do "hood rat stuff" (best quote ever), and was put under mental evaluation after beating up his grandma in a Wal-Mart when she refused to buy him chicken wings (ugh, why did it have to be chicken wings?) is going to appear before the Honorable Judge Judy. Okay, it's actually his mommy and grandma who will appear before JJ because his grandmother didn't appreciate having her car wrecked. She blames Latarian's mother for the incident and she's suing her for $5,000. 

Hopefully Latarian will take the stand to defend his actions. I want to know what kind of "hood rat stuff" he was up to. Are we talking playing Poo Dollar or are we talking running an underground prostitution ring? Seriously though, this kid is straight off an episode of The Wire. He's going to give Judge Judy some sass and she's going to use her superhuman powers of Awesome to subdue him. But will his Awesome overpower hers? Will the universe implode from the sheer pressure of the meeting of these two great minds? I'm so excited I could poop myself!

Denise Richards: It's Complicated

I've just subjected myself to a half an hour of Denise Richards: It's Complicated, and surprisingly I don't want to run my head over with a dump truck. Maybe it's because Denise has a love-affair with one of my favorite words of all time: "cunt." It's just a really good, fun thing to say. And Denise obviously agrees with me. 

In just this one episode, she called a magazine editor a "fucking cunt," dropped the F-bomb about seventy one times, AND informed us that a pig's penis is shaped like a corkscrew! Now that's what I call educational entertainment value. This bitch is a vapid slutwhore, but at least she's a vapid slutwhore who also swears like a drunken sailor. It makes all her narcissism a little easier to swallow.

Catfight!

Insiders at the Playboy mansion say that Hef's main ho, Holly, is totally feuding with his other girlfriend Kendra. Which really shatters my vision of the Girls Next Door as a harmonious, fully-functioning family unit. Apparently Holly is a raging bitch, and no one in the Mansion can stand her ass. She walks around like she owns the shit just because she gets to spend the most nights nursing Hef's dingle berries. And producers of the show are beginning to have a hard time shooting scenes where Holly and Kendra aren't at each other's throats. Poor Bridget is just trying to keep the peace. She needs to get Gizzy to mediate that shit. That cat can out-bitch anybody. 

But seriously, save The Girls Next Door! We can't let their petty catfights ruin one of my favorite ways to waste an hour of my life and shrink my brain. That's a God-given right.

Mini me

Holy fucking hell, Tom Cruise is small. I mean, I know he's small, but then I see pictures like this where it looks like he's been photoshopped in and I think "Holy hell this guy is literally 4'3"." Clearly, he forgot to wear his lifts, and Katie was misprogrammed to have a free will that day so she wore heels. You know Tommy Girl was pissed. He probably stamped his little elfin feet and cried bitter alien tears. Aww, when he gets like that you just need to give him a shot of Barley water and a picture of a naked dude with Will Smith's head taped to it. Works every time.

Two douches tour a douche factory

I can't think of a more appropriate place to find Horse-Face and Pube Beard than at an Ed Hardy factory. They pretty much personify the look that brand is going for: plastic, tranny hot mess. With skull rhinestones. I'd rather skin dead babies and sew sweaters out of them than have to wear this ugly shit.

Anyway, you know what this means...Speidi is getting their own clothing line: Speidi for Ed Hardy. I can see it now. At least this way it will tag all the douches for easy identification when the terrorists come a-knockin'. They can be our sacrificial lambs. They won't mind. The kind of ass tards that wear Ed Hardy believe in God anyway. They believe they'll ascend to a heaven where club music plays nonstop and they can rub their genitals on Ferraris all day. Everybody wins.

Breaking news: Heidi Montag with no makeup doesn't actually make me want to kill myself

I had expected surgery scars, bukakke residue, and even flesh-colored facial hair on Heidi Montag sans makeup. But she actually looks...decent. Like, partly human. She should consider wiping off some of the whore paint more often.

The Hogan family needs wolverines thrown at their heads

Hulk Hogan went on Larry King last night to illustrate just why his son is such an insufferable ass clown. He basically told King that "things happen for a reason," and that the whole experience will "make John a better person." John is the kid who remains in a vegitative state after his son, Nick, slammed his douchemobile into a tree while drag racing. So basically he's a shitty father who raised a shitty son whose poor fucking judgement actually put an active duty Marine in an irreversible coma from which he will never awaken. But it's all okay because being in a coma makes John a better person.

If there is a God, he will strike this whole family from the face of the earth. Amen.

Gayken is going to be a daddy

Clay Gayken (looking like a well-fed lesbian, above) sperminated his 50-year-old BFF/fag hag via IVF. Duh, of course they used IVF. He probably screams like Ned Flanders at the mere suggestion of sex with a female. If you want to scare the living bejeezus out of Gayken, just show him a labia.  A spokeswhore said:

"The story is true...Clay is the father. She was artificially inseminated by Clay. She's due in August." 

And they already froze Gayken's splooge so she can poop out another Clayspawn in the next year or so. You know he's totally going to offer to carry the next fetus. Mostly because it will give him an excuse to fart a lot and get a couple of fingers shoved up his no-no hole (for the constipation!). Oh, and then he can be on Oprah like the other pregnant dude. You know bitch looooves him some Oprah.

Can't. Move. Forehead.

Rachel Zoe is creased like a fucking raisin. At least, she was. I guess now that Nicole Kidman is prego and can't monopolize the world's supply of botox, old Rach has managed to cop a little bit for herself. And the effect is--um, plaster-like? 

You could shove a fist up this chick's ass and her face still wouldn't be able to register surprise. Ahh, the wonders of neurotoxins.

Wonk Eye pt. 5 million

Candy Spelling has some serious wonk-eye. I think her lower eyelid might be paralyzed after too many monkey collagen injections. Paris Hilton, welcome to your life in 20 years...

Meerkat Manor: The Next Generation

I don't think it's a coincidence that my other favorite show of all time is also "The Next Generation" (Degrassi, duh). The next generation takes what the first generation started and sexes it up.  Thus The Next Generation of Meerkat Manor is going to be filled with even more anthropomorphizing, raw drama, and tragic, often touching displays of courage. Must. Watch.

ps

WTF?! I just watched a clip and the matriarch's name this season is Maybelline. Maybelline? Are you fucking serious? What kind of a tranny name is that?! There's no way this slut is going to be able to handle her shit like Flower could. RIP Flower. And yes, I know I need a life.

A Horse and a Douche making out

Speidi posed for some more "candid" photos while being lazy whores in Mexico over the weekend. Every time I see these two I want to aim a nuclear missle at their faces. Heidi's boobs could survive a nuclear holocaust though, so I'd probably have to set them on fire for good measure. Not that I've thought about it or anything.

Spencer is totally trying to suck in a gassy stomach. He probably needs to fart. 

STFU already!!

Nick Hogan has a poopy diaper because he's locked up in a minimum security prison and he wants his mommy. Remember, this dumb bitch is locked up because of a drag racing accident that left his passenger John Graziano in a permanent vegitative state. Hogan's lawyer is trying to get him house arrest until his 18th birthday. Fuck that. If this ass clown thinks he's tough enough to drive his car like an asshole and then brag about it to anyone who will listen, he should be man enough to take a full dick up the ass. 

RIP Teddy

The cute little guy on the right is Theodore O'Connor, the first pony in history to compete at the Pan Am games, where he led the US Eventing Team to a gold medal. He was slated to represent the US at the 2008 Olympic games in Beijing with his rider, Karen O'Connor. Unfortunately, he died in a tragic accident at his home barn on Thursday, May 29.

Teddy, who was 1/4 Thoroughbred, 1/8 Arabian, and 1/8 Shetland pony, stood at only 14.2 hands--that's practically a midget compared to his 16+ hand competitors. But, rider O'Connor says, "The first time I saw him jump, I was stunned by his athletic ability and scope for his size. I mean, you were in the presence of something that is at the very 1 percent of the class or less."

RIP Teddy. Sadness.

Manbabies

Just because:

GET MORE AT ManBabies.com!

RIP Kim's old face

A moment of silence, please, for the Kim that was:

Let us take a moment to remember that in spite of her knifed up appearance, she is still, essentially, the kind of woman who will rap about this:

"I used to be scared of the dick
Now I throw lips into the shit
Handle it like a real bitch..."

And for that, I love her.

Hilarity

I cannot believe I haven't seen Rosie O'Donnell's Oscar-worthy portrayal of a mentally challenged fat chick in Riding the Bus with My Sister. Now that looks like a good movie. Although I'm pretty sure it's offensive to retarded people. Which means it is also hilarious.

Happy Birthday, Slut!

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt turns 2 today, and she's hoping that means Angie Jo will finally let her live in the house with the rest of the beautiful brown-skinned children. Shiloh probably has her very own slave quarters where she's fed dog's milk and forced to wait on Zahara hand and foot. And you just know Zahara is a demanding bitch!

The bottom line: Angie only wants brown babies to come out of her hooha, and she doesn't take kindly to these milky white ones that keep popping out. I feel sorry for the unborn twins.