Painted Whore

I'm sorry, but there is no fucking way Paris Hilton looks like this in real life. Bitch is more airbrushed than Tyra Banks. For all we know, she's 5'4" 145 pounds, and brunette. She also probably smells like self-tanner and dick cheese. Barf.

Lil' Wayne is magic

The quote on the cover of Complex Magazine with Lil' Wayne says: "I'm a martian and if you understand me then you're Jesus Christ." And I have no idea what that means, but I don't question genius. I'm just a simpleton, after all.

Weezy F Magazine covers: pure manjoyment

Weezy shot not one, not two, but three covers for XXL Magazine. I think he looks hot in all of them. Lord, what I wouldn't do to have his grills all up in my business...

The people at Allure are too nice

Britney's Allure cover hit newsstands, and boy is it euphemistic. Apparently they brought out the big guns to airbrush her into an approximation of her former, hotter self. It's kind of sad though, because everyone knows she doesn't look like that anymore. It would be like if they made a picture of Jon Lovitz into Angelina Jolie. No one can deny it's a feat of technical genius, but no one's fooled either. Seriously though, whoever made her look that hot probably deserves a Nobel Peace Prize or something.

OK! article about Britney's 'breakdown' underwhelming and riddled with grammatical errors

The issue of OK! with the infamous Britney interview hit newsstands this week and boy is it lame. There isn't a single piece of information in it that we don't already know. And don't get me wrong, Britney is fucking nuts, but it does seem that the douchebags, er, I mean 'serious journalists' over at OK! have inflated the situation slightly to boost sales. I mean, show me one actress who doesn't stuff her face with fried chicken, wipe her hands on $6,000 dresses, let her dog poop everywhere, and then make off with nearly $20,000 in clothing. I mean, really, show me one actress. They all do that shit. They're fucking animals.

Additionally, the writers at OK! need to take sixth grade English again because they sound completely illiterate. It's almost like their editor gave up and didn't want to hear any more about Britney because he realized simultaneously that his life was a joke and that he could go blow himself up and no one would care. So he thought, "It's ok, they're college graduates, I'm sure they can write one simple article and obey the basic laws of syntax and grammatical structure..." The irony of course, being that he was wrong.

Wow, I am so glad I'm not one of Britney's progeny

Is it just me or does the shit really seem to be hitting the fan in Hollywood lately? Us Magazine and Life & Style both ran headlines this week from the faux point-of-view of Britney's sons. Which is a tad sensationalist, but otherwise incredibly funny. The cover of Us reads, "Soda in baby bottles, mommy's many men, nighttime cries for daddy's love..." God, it's like she's purposely grooming her children for a lifetime of drug and alcohol abuse that culminates in jail time and a tragic episode of E True Hollywood Story. Oh wait...that career trajectory sounds vaguely familiar...

Jessica Simpson looks scary on the cover of Bazaar

Simps is really not a bad looking girl. You just got sick of looking at her face, that's all. And I think we can blame that on Papa Joe, so really, she's blameless. However, I am deeply disturbed by her August cover of Harper's Bazaar:

Okay, so I'm used to seeing her looking like she's got that skin condition you get when you eat too many carrots and you turn orange. And I'm also used to seeing her smile a little too wide. Honey, we get it, you've had great dental work, please stop trying to rub it in. Nay, I think what scares me the most about this picture is that it doesn't even look like Jessica. Who does it look like? Well, maybe a wax figurine of Jessica Simpson, or a plastic surgery addict who wanted to look like Jessica but didn't quite get the chin right. Did you look at that thing closely? My God, it looks like it's about to split down the middle and poop out a baby alien. Great, now I've thoroughly spooked myself and it's just getting dark.

Mmmm...get me a Posh and Becks sandwich

I'm the first to admit that Posh sucks/needs to eat a cheeseburger/is made entirely of plastic. However, I'm also the first to admit that I'm totally going to DVR her new show when it airs, and when I watch it (late at night, all alone) I'm going to eat bon bons and scream obscenities at the television. Because you know, that's how I roll. Anyone who pretends not to be interested in watching her reality show is lying. It's like trying to convince people that if a video surfaced of Paris Hilton getting beaten up by a monkey, you wouldn't be interested. Yeah, right.

And say whatever you want about Posh, Becks is one fine hunk of manflesh. If he ever gets sick of making love to a stick figure with a pig-nose and boobs that look like they were fashioned from grapefruit halves, he should totally give me a call. I'd rock his world.

Another unfortunate-looking July cover

It's those geniouses over at Elle Magazine who are responsible for this abomination. I suppose I should cut them a little slack, since the word on the street is that they're having trouble er, retaining staff these days or something like that. Go ask Jezebel.com. So, I don't know about you but I'm actually beginning to miss the faces of supermodels on the covers of magazines, because while it's nice to walk by say, Penelope Cruz's face in the grocery aisle, it's not so nice to walk by and have to see Avril Lavigne's irritating mug staring smugly back at you. It's like, maybe when you run out of real celebrities to put on the cover, try giving Doutzen Kroes or Gemma Ward a call...don't go fishing in the bottom of the barrell.
I fear l've ended up sounding rather mean-spirited, but that is not my intention. Nay, Kelly Clarkson is, by all means, the only worthwhile result of subjecting us to American Idol for all these years (has it been years? It seems like decades)...I think she's an amazing singer. I admit, even I became obsessed with "Since you've been gone" after hearing it--oh God--on an episode of Laguna Beach's second season called "Our Last Prom" where Kristin takes Talan to the prom and LC (that scheming wench) is simultaneously enjoying a heartfelt convo on the beach with none other than Kristin's ex-boyfriend, Steven (Stephen?). God, that was a quality show, although as much as I hate to admit it, it kind of went downhill when Kristin left for college. Oh well, they can't take my memories...
I digress. The whole point of this tirade is that they could hardly have made poor Kelly Clarkson look any worse if they'd tried. She looks like she just got off of a nonstop flight from Japan where she was forced to drink Vodka tonics and deprived of sleep and water. The nude lipstick doesn't help, but then again, neither do the bags under her eyes or the eye makeup that looks like it was applied last week. And the hair is blah. Like, beige wallpaper blah. C'mon guys, this is a pretty young girl who, by your own admission has a "cartoonishly sexy body" and this is the best you could do? How about adding some color to her face instead of washing her out by putting the concealer on her lips instead of under her eyes? I mean, really. Shame on you people!

Someone needs to fire the stylist at W Magazine...

Is it just me, or does Giselle look suspiciously like Jerry Hall circa 1987 on the cover of this month's W?


Not that there's anything wrong with Jerry Hall or the year 1987. It's just not, you know, 1987... so you'd think some attempt would be made to modernize the look. As is, it looks like the movie poster for a period film about the drug-fueled excesses of the late eighties and the toll it took on America's children. I mean, just look at her. That hair is looking permed and teased within an inch of its life. And not gentle body wave permed. Like, authentically fried permed. The kind of hair my cousins used to have with the crunchy bangs that curled under and the big earrings and the loud makeup. Basically, there's A LOT going on here, and although Ms. Bundchen, being the wide-eyed, amazonian freak of nature that she is, can probably pull it off better than anyone else could, I just think she would have looked a lot less drag-queenish with a little less. You know, less of everything. Less hair, less makeup (purple eyeshadow with red lipstick is tricky, to say the least) less jewlery. This looks like Joan Collins' wardrobe from Dynasty came and threw up all over her. And yes, I know W brings a lot of highly "editorial" (read: not wearable) fashion to the table but this is just insane. Someone must stop it. I resist few turns that fashion takes in life, but 80's redux is definitely one of them. It must be avoided at all costs. Like the plague, or antibiotic-resistant Tuberculosis. You see what I'm getting at?