Hillary Clinton is fucking Barack Obama

Sometimes, late at night, I just get down on my knees and thank God for Youtube and the losers that spend 20 hours putting together shit like this.

This makes me uncomfortable

Kanye West's video for "Flashing Lights" just came out, and it's um...edgy. Which is exactly what he was going for, I'm sure. He's so good at breaking down hip-hop stereotypes and being innovative. That's why there's a chick in the video who strips off all her clothes and ends up half-naked, with the camera catching every jelly-roll-like movement of her impressive hindquarters--in slow mo. Because, you know, you don't usually see that kind of shit in rap videos.

P.S. The video vixen, it turns out, is this chick, and she's selling her worn panties online for the bargain price of $24.95. And they're guaranteed to have her "unique scent" on them!

Brilliance seasoned with genius

Sarah Silverman is pretty fucking funny. And this is what she gave her boyfriend, Jimmy Kimmel, for their 5 year anniversary. She makes me proud to be a Jew.

Hey, at least he's better than Taylor Hicks

All I can say is, this guy's co-workers must absolutely hate him, because he says he auditioned at their urging and he sings like a deaf person trying to do opera. There's no way they actually thought he was good enough to be on Idol.

And BTW, Simon totally got breast reduction surgery. Those hairy boobies are half their original size. I guess his new model GF doesn't like looking at a man's ape tits. Go figure.

The triumphant return of Chris Crocker

Someone get this hot bitch his own reality show quickly, before he sucks too much dick and winds up with AIDS. He's a national treasure!

Nail art is cool

Check out this video. It's some chick named Kid Sister featuring Kanye West. And it pays homage to one of the most ancient of beauty rituals...nail art. Of which I am an avid fan.

Remy Ma is a woman after my own heart

Remy Ma kept it real in an interview with XXL Magazine, and said maybe the coolest thing anyone's ever said in the history of Hip hop. Scratch that--it was the coolest thing anyone's ever said in the history of the world:

"I want to do nothing. I wanna go fucking shopping like every other bitch and get my pussy ate. I don’t give a fuck. What do you mean, What do I wanna do? I don’t wanna do nothing! I wanna shop and look fly and fuck my man."

Damn, this bitch is hard. I'm pretty sure she's got more street cred than Lil' Wayne. Then again, I'm a white Jew from suburbia. Jay walking makes you fucking 2pac where I'm from. But whatever. Remy tells it like it is, and I couldn't agree with her more.

And here's the video for "Conceited." It's good. She doesn't exactly have the lyrical skills of Lil' Kim, but I'll bet Kim wishes she was still this hot. She's about one plastic surgery procedure away from LaToya Jackson status.

This is how good it could have been

Video just leaked of the rehearsal for Britney's VMA performance. You'll notice there's something missing though. Something big, blond, and uncoordinated. I can't quite put my finger on what it is...

Awesome Awesomeness

There are no words.

Lo is still my fave bitch on The Hills

Monday night's episode was pretty gay. Lauren went on a date with some gnome-faced model which got Brody all jealous and protective, and they had ANOTHER barbecue on the beach at Brody's and Lauren talked about herself a lot, and Heidi did her makeup and Spencer just douched around because he doesn't have a job. You know, the usual. But one morsel of comedic relief was provided by the always reliably honest Lo, who expressed her excitement at meeting Lauren's new boytoy because, as she said, "I love passing judgment on people." We're like birds of a feather. I love passing judgment on people too! What's this moderately intelligent, self-aware chick doing hanging out with these mongoloids?

Note: the clip is of deleted scenes from Season 1 where Lo convinces Lauren she needs to buy a Vespa (and matching helmet) for her move to San Francisco. Hilarity ensues!

This is going to suck donkey balls

The trailer for Paris Hilton's new movie, Repo: The Genetic Opera, was released by Lions Gate and it looks pretty craptacular. I don't get the premise, really. A horror film musical? With Paris Hilton? They might as well try to make a mockumentary about the holocaust. You know, one that makes fun of all the Jews. Because that would be hilarious!

Disclaimer: after watching this you will most surely become despondent, and/or extremely irate. I recommend you stay away from blunt objects and watch something awesomely soothing after, like The Hills.

R Kelly gets down to some 'Real Talk'

R Kelly released a song exclusively for YouTube so he could swear as much as he wants to and it's called 'Real Talk' because, you know, it's real and shit. So, basically he's on the phone with his girl who's accusing him of cheating because her girlfriends say they saw him at a club with some other ho. So he just keeps it real, tells her not to listen to those "jealous no man-having assholes," and then, inexplicably, "What they eat don't make us shit." Huh? I mean, I would say that I don't get it, but that's kind of like admitting you don't understand the Bible. People will make fun of you.

It's Britney (again) Bitch

Um, I guess this is Britney's much anticipated video for her single "Gimme More." It looks like it was made in some dude's basement using a camcorder and a home computer circa 1999 with a budget of about $15. My guess is that the budget started out a lot bigger, but 99% of it had to be used for Big Macs and Venti iced caramel frappuccinos just to keep Britney from storming off the set. She'd be like, "I don't have to take this, y'all! I'm going home!" And then someone would point out to her that her driver left and she doesn't have a license, and she'd just collapse into a heap on the floor and cry in between stuffing her face with Whoppers.

It must be ya ass cuz it ain't yo face....

I posted this video for no other reason than to remind everyone that Nelly is fucking awesome. Sure, he's one of the foremost purveyors of absolute trash ever to grace the hip-hop scene, but that's precisely what makes him so great. He's not one of those lame-ass rappers without any sense of irony (ahem, Diddy). He's in it for the money bay bay! Oh, and the ass. Don't forget the ass.

Watch the whole thing and you'll catch the best part at the very end when he takes a credit card and swipes in down a video vixen's ass crack. It's in such poor taste you can only love it. If you're offended you either have no sense of humor or you're just jealous. Or retarded.



*If you want to know what a tip drill is, check it out on UrbanDictionary.com, or ask your parents. That should be a private conversation.

Amy Winehouse is doing great

At the MOBO's last night in London, Amy Winehouse won the award for Best Female Singer and performed a couple of songs off her album. And by performed, I mean stumbled around on stage, forgot lyrics, and generally looked like hell. The sad part is, in spite of all that, the bitch can still wail. Her voice is amazing. Unfortunately, bitch is also crazy as hell and probably needs to go to a methadone clinic before she bites the head off of a small child. She looks like one of those crackheads you see on the corner trying to sell you a dog turd wrapped in newspaper for a dollar. She's about one overdose away from getting to that point.

FYI, the UK is awesome. Not only do they have an awards show called the Music of Black Origin, they have cool washed-up has-beens like Shaggy host it. I imagine they also hand out free joints to everyone in the audience and then make fun of stupid Americans all night long while they sip tea and eat crumpets. The Brits are sooooo classy.

David LaChapelle is a genius

Um, I have no idea what the fuck is going on in Jennifer Lopez' new music video. But then again, it was directed by David LaChapelle, so I'm pretty sure that's the point. She just goes around kicking guys in the face and beating people up and there are sluts in cages running on hamster wheels. I'm pretty sure David LaChapelle could have put J. Lo. in a snake pit filled with dead babies and burned effigies of Fidel Castro and people would just go, "Wow, that's sooooooo artistic. How does he do it?"

New Video: Lil' Mama "G Slide/Tour Bus"

And just because I'm not a total sadist, here's Lil' Mama's new song/video "G-Slide/Tour Bus." It's like an ointment for the rash that Britney's song gave me.

Now that's what I call a hot jam!

This isn't even funny anymore

I just listened to Britney's second single, "Cold as Ice," which was somehow 'miraculously' leaked onto the internet. And let's just say I'd rather listen to the sound of kittens being raped. This thing has to be a fucking joke. A horrible, unfunny joke.

The opening lyrics are a matter of dispute among the media. Some are reporting they go like this: "I'm just the girl with the ability to drive a man crazy/ Make him come in my mouth/ Make him my new baby..."

And as much as I wish that was what she was really saying, those people are perverts because the real lyrics go like this: "I'm just the girl with the ability to drive a man crazy/ Make him call me mama/ Make him my new baby..."

Either way, this thing sounds like it was produced in some dude's garage on a Casio keyboard with backup singers plucked from the local homeless shelter. I think my eardums are bleeding...and I'm feeling nauseous...uuuuuhhhh...yep. I just threw up in my own mouth.

If I haven't scared you off sufficiently, then have a listen. And don't blame me if you suddenly become sterile or want to kill yourself.


And if you really hate yourself and you're into self-punishment, listen to her other new single, "Gimme More."

R Kelly is seriously a genius

This is what R Kelly had to say in lieu of an introduction to chapters 13-22 of his epic song/miniseries, 'Trapped in the Closet':

"Don't nobody ask me no questions I don't know how to explain how I wrote it. I'm tired of people asking me that because I can not explain this. I can explain any other song but I cant explain 'Trapped In The Closet'."

He also had this to say:

"It's an alien, People ask me why is it an alien and I say it's come down to show us new genres and new ways to produce movies, magic, song and dialogue which have all been put together, and has never been done as far as I'm concerned. I call that alien. And people ask me when 'Trapped In The Closet' is going to end and I say when the aliens decide to leave."

If you don't see why that's genius then I don't have anything to say to you. It can't be explained to a simpleton. You just have to accept that R Kelly is smarter, richer, and better looking than you. And that he has aliens telling him what to do. Shit, I don't know why, but I believe him.
Here's a preview of the explosiveness that is Chapters 13-22. Eat it up:

R Kelly is a genius

It's nuts. Just when you think he can't get any better, he goes and just fucks up your head with some crazy good shit. I thought there was no way he could top the masterpiece of songwriting that is "Trapped in the Closet." Boy, was I wrong. Behold, his latest:

As you can see, R Kelly obviously makes Richard Wright look like Damon Wayans. They should create an award for the coolest person in the whole universe, and R Kelly should win it every year until he dies. He should probably also get his own country. He could call it "R Kelly Land," where there are naked bitches everywhere and the rivers flow with Cristal and he can piss on all the underage face he wants to. I mean c'mon, after all he's given us, doesn't he deserve at least that much?