Wino is a hot piece

Here's Wino primping herself before she goes to visit Blake in jail. As you can see she's sporting the newest in crackhead couture--bleached blond hair held in place by a 'do-rag. She looks like the lady you see rifling through your trash in the morning, only instead of coke cans and bottles, she's looking for used needles. Recently, she imparted this wisdom to some reporter:

"Drinking long-term is a lot worse than doing heroin. Alcohol’s a real poison. I’m not a nice drunk. If I go to the gym and have a drink I’m lovely to be around. But if I haven’t been training or if there’s something bothering me, I’m a terrible drunk."

'Atta girl, Amy. It's all relative. Drink like a fish, just as long as you hit the treadmill after. Excercise cures all! I know because I fell down a flight of stairs once and cracked my head open, and instead of going to the hospital, I just got on the elliptical machine and voila! No more broken head! True story.

Seriously though, someone save Wino. Oh, and get me that orange nail polish while you're at it. I love that color.

Lindsay is doing great!

Lindsay Lohan is officially off the wagon. This news is about as shocking as the news that Paris Hilton is going to be filming her trip to Rwanda. As in, not shocking at all. Anyone who thought she'd last longer than 5 minutes on the outside is obviously either retarded or putting too much faith in God. Maybe both. In addition, she's broke as hell:

"And now the 21-year-old is so skint she can't afford her own place—and has become a lodger at a rich pal's mansion. Her extravagant spending spree includes:

* A MILLION dollars on just one hotel bill
* $137,000 in rehab costs as she battles her hopeless addiction to drink and drugs
* THOUSANDS more in legal fees after multiple drink driving convictions.

We can reveal that after jetting back to Los Angeles this week following her two-month stay at the Utah's Cirque Lodge rehab clinic, Lohan is staying in the guest house of billionaire Tom Gores, executive producer on her recent film I Know Who Killed Me."

Like I said before, the hits just keep on coming. Next up: Daddy Lohan grants an exclusive interview to Entertainment Tonight, The Insider, In Touch Weekly, Star, and OK! chronicling the ongoing battle with his inner demons and "that thing with his daughter." Then Dina will fire back on Oprah, calling him a sex addict and a liar, and insist that Lindsay is "doing great and trying to surround herself with positive people." Then Lindsay will end up face down in a pile of her own vomit at Hyde, with her skirt pulled up over her head and penises drawn all over her face. Then she'll be arrested again for carrying a concealed firearm. Then back to rehab, then repeat. I know because I'm psychic. Just kidding, I know because it's fucking obvious.

Pete Doherty's crack kitty

Apparently Pete Doherty is taking innocent victims with him as he descends into his fog of chemical dependency and madness--and I'm not talking about Kate Moss. I'm talking about his kitten, Dinger. According to friends, he gets it high on crack regularly, and even made a little mini-crack pipe for it. The kitten has been showing signs of addiction, including withdrawal symptoms. Friends say that after the cat smokes crack it passes out, suffers mood swings, and thinks it can fly.

This story sounds like a bunch of crap to me. First of all, how can you tell if a cat is suffering mood swings or thinks it can fly? And second of all, now I have that Presidents of the United States of America song spinning around in my head..."Kitty at my foot and I wanna touch it/kitty at my foot and I wanna touch it/meow meow meow meow meow..."

The hits just keep on coming...

So unless you've had your head up your ass, you know by now that Lindsay was arrested for drunk driving AGAIN and that she also had cocaine in her pocket.

She's practically begging me to punch her in the face. I mean, really. Is she even trying? At this point, I wouldn't be shocked to see her lying in the middle of the street in Santa Monica, clutching a copy of Machiavelli's The Prince in one hand and an eight ball of cocaine in the other while chanting a mixture of Kabbalah and complete gibberish and stuffing dollar bills up her nose. She's totally headed into Elisabeth Taylor territory. Brace yourself.

Lindsay Lohan thinks you're stupid

After spending 45 days in rehab, Lindsay Lohan, aka The Firecrotch Walking Train Wreck Publicity Whore, was released to the outside world. And just to prove that she's serious about staying sober, she's supposedly wearing some sort of alcohol monitoring bracelet. And this, of course, is an insult to moderately intelligent people everywhere. Who's going to be monitoring the stupid alcohol bracelet anyway? Her mom? Please, Dina is more permissive than Britney Spears on quaaludes and a six pack of Bud Light. I know twelve year olds that would make better parents. Hell, I would make a better parent. Because you know what I'd do? I'd lock Lindsay in a room with Corey Feldman and Corey Haim and make her listen to their sob stories about partying and its detrimental effects on physical appearance and your career. That'd teach her.