Spaghetti Cat!

 

A rep for Fox finally solved the mystery of Spaghetti Cat! Basically it was a completely random image of a cat eating spaghetti that popped up during a broadcast of The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet. They were discussing binge drinking and all of a sudden, without warning or provocation, the picture of Spaghetti Cat flashed on the screen. After a few seconds it went back to some teen sluts talking about binge drinking again. According to Fox's spokesbitch, Fox will show that image every time someone uses inappropriate language. They call it the new "bleep photo." 

I hope they have Denise Richards on that show soon. That way we'll get to see as much of Spaghetti Cat as possible. Hell, we'd see more of Spaghetti Cat than we would of Denise's fug face.

Sadness...

I just watched the season finale of The Real World Hollyweird. And no, I'm not crying. Okay, maybe just a little. I don't know why, but I've cried at the season finale of every single Real World since Miami. What can I say, I identify with the journey that these crazy whores go on. This season was just especially sad because I'll have to say goodbye forever to Joey's hot-douche-guido ass. And his spiky hair. Unless I ever feel like watching the next 5,000 seasons of The Inferno. Which I won't. 

Joey: goodbye you hot tranny bitch. Just please keep being exactly who you are.

Denise Richards: It's Complicated

I've just subjected myself to a half an hour of Denise Richards: It's Complicated, and surprisingly I don't want to run my head over with a dump truck. Maybe it's because Denise has a love-affair with one of my favorite words of all time: "cunt." It's just a really good, fun thing to say. And Denise obviously agrees with me. 

In just this one episode, she called a magazine editor a "fucking cunt," dropped the F-bomb about seventy one times, AND informed us that a pig's penis is shaped like a corkscrew! Now that's what I call educational entertainment value. This bitch is a vapid slutwhore, but at least she's a vapid slutwhore who also swears like a drunken sailor. It makes all her narcissism a little easier to swallow.

Catfight!

Insiders at the Playboy mansion say that Hef's main ho, Holly, is totally feuding with his other girlfriend Kendra. Which really shatters my vision of the Girls Next Door as a harmonious, fully-functioning family unit. Apparently Holly is a raging bitch, and no one in the Mansion can stand her ass. She walks around like she owns the shit just because she gets to spend the most nights nursing Hef's dingle berries. And producers of the show are beginning to have a hard time shooting scenes where Holly and Kendra aren't at each other's throats. Poor Bridget is just trying to keep the peace. She needs to get Gizzy to mediate that shit. That cat can out-bitch anybody. 

But seriously, save The Girls Next Door! We can't let their petty catfights ruin one of my favorite ways to waste an hour of my life and shrink my brain. That's a God-given right.

Meerkat Manor: The Next Generation

I don't think it's a coincidence that my other favorite show of all time is also "The Next Generation" (Degrassi, duh). The next generation takes what the first generation started and sexes it up.  Thus The Next Generation of Meerkat Manor is going to be filled with even more anthropomorphizing, raw drama, and tragic, often touching displays of courage. Must. Watch.

ps

WTF?! I just watched a clip and the matriarch's name this season is Maybelline. Maybelline? Are you fucking serious? What kind of a tranny name is that?! There's no way this slut is going to be able to handle her shit like Flower could. RIP Flower. And yes, I know I need a life.

Hot bitch

There are currently no words in the english language that can encompass the breadth of Joey's douchiness. But he's by far my favorite character on The Real World Hollywierd. Basically because I have spent literally hours studying the fine work of art that is Joey's hair, and I can truly say it fascinates me to the point of obsession--It's like a faux-hawk, but then he takes the hair at his temples and just gels that shit forward, so he's got like, spikes framing his face. He obviously uses more hair product than the entire state of New Jersey, but look at it:

God, have you ever seen something more structurally impressive? The way it stands up like a hedgehog...Okay, enough. If I don't stop typing this I'll cream my panties.

Hehe, Sarah's face says it all. That's totally the look you would give this guy if he tried to approach you at a club: "Uhh, no thanks. I have a boyfriend. No, I don't want any ecstasy...really, it's ok. Just leave. No, seriously turn your ass around and get the fuck away from me..." etc., etc.

Twenty bucks says this guy is going to end up in gay porn. He totally has gayface. Or maybe it's just doucheface...no, I shouldn't even get those confused. He just so happens to have gayface of the douchey variety.

Justin Bobby--Nooooooo!!!

Sorry for all the Hills related posts, but I'm balls deep in this shit. Spencer's flesh-colored beard is starting to invade my dreams at night. I'm holding out for a sex dream with Justin Bobby. It's bound to happen.

Anyway, Monday on The Hills LC went on a date with Stephen (that dude she liked in high school), Lo and LC continued to gang up on Chicklet-Teeth (Audrina), and Justin Bobby CUT HIS HAIR. I'm still reeling from the shock of it. MTV is systematically taking the single-greatest joy in my life and leaving a moist, steamy dump on it. Fuck you MTV. 

Whoa, Justin Bobby kind of has a flesh-colored beard too. What's up with that? Is there something in the water?

The Paper

In a surprising coup by MTV, they actually came out with a new show that doesn't suck hairy lesbian balls. It's called The Paper and it's about a group of 70 kids on their school's newspaper who are all awesome Miami types with Jewish mothers. The star of the show, Editor-in-chief Amanda, is totally that type of girl you would have hated in high school but from an adult perspective, is actually kind of a badass bitch.

The Hills returns--in fine form

The Hills returned Monday night, and it was filled with all the fake drama, awkward silences, and monumentally vapid social discourse we've come to expect! If you have to ask what happened, you obviously aren't very familiar with the show. Nothing ever really happens. That's the whole point. It's like a dumbed-down version of Seinfeld for gentiles.

For me, the most exciting part was seeing scenes from upcoming episodes that showed the return of Justin Bobby. I thought he left because he couldn't handle the cameras. Oh well, the important thing is that he's back and he didn't cut his hair. I can't wait until he says something awesome like, "Your friends don't fathom me..." and then burps in Audrina's face.

I now have something to live for besides watching The Wire on DVD.

In the words of (ugh) Perez Hilton, Welcome to the Gayborhood!

Turns out Adamo Ruggiero, the actor who plays Marco, "the gay kid" on Degrassi: The Next Generation (aka the best show ever) is gay in real life! Damn. Too bad. He was the cutest one, too. That show is awesome because all the characters are so authentically ugly. The "hot chick" actually has a pig-face and they never use concealer to cover up all of Spinner's zits. It's like real high school...only you know...it goes there.

I Love New York is possibly the best show ever in the history of the universe

The reunion episode of I Love New York is the best part of the whole season. Think Jerry Springer but with even more racial stereotypes, acrylic nails, and spandex. 

The second season's iteration was spectacular on so many levels. VH1's blog has a great breakdown of the 10 best moments here. But really, my favorite part had to be when Mr. Wise, the token white dude, literally came out of the fucking sky and jumped Tailor Made. Seriously, the guy's like a fucking Sugar Glider. New York is probably mad she didn't sample his abilities in the sack. Oh, but what am I saying, you know she fucked every guy in that house. And a couple of the camera crew.

The episode was was so scripted, even New York and Sister Paterson couldn't keep from laughing. Especially when they were having a bitch-off against The Entertainer's mom. Gotta love that New Jersey Trash. She can make me spaghetti anytime. (Wait--that sounded sexual). Bitch still looks like she has a "beaver's ass" on her head though. And Sister Paterson still looks like a Klingon transvestite. Ah, some things never change.

Stevie Wonder is awesome--Sesame Street used to be cool

Stevie really rocks the shit out for this performance on Sesame Street. Seriously, he's so good, it fucks with my head.

Jem warns kids about the dangers of lesbian pedophiles, shoplifting, and prescription pills

I used to watch this show as a kid. I don't remember it being so educational or informative, though. I guess I can credit Jem for the fact that I never got in a strange car with a lesbian pedophile who told me my parents had been in an accident. Jem saved my life!

The Hills is about 'relationships'

On Monday's episode of The Hills, Lo got drunk and flashed her "Britney," Lauren had a major makeout sesh with Brody, and Justin "Bobby" pissed everyone off when he drank his shot before Brody had a chance to make some lame-ass toast about 'true friends.' Saying it was "entertaining" is like saying Hitler was "pretty bad." There are currently no words in the English language capable of expressing the awesomeness that is The Hills. When there are (which is probably impossible) I'll let you know.

You can check out the ultra-explosive scenes from next week here.

Oh, and here's a 'clip' (aka really lame recording someone took off their TV and put on You Tube) of my favorite Hills moment ever--when we're introduced to Justin "Bobby." Watch his face. It's priceless.

A little something to whet your appetite...

Nothing gets me more pumped for a season of glorified anorexia, catfights, and Tyra Bank's ever-expanding ego than this promo for the opening credits of ANTM.

And like every cycle before it, Tyra will be encouraging all the black girls to act like 'hood niggas' and talking them through daddy issues. Cuz baby, whatever you're going through, Tyra's been there. Only it was way scarier, harder, and more dangerous than your experience. So shut the fuck up and let Ty Ty talk her piece. Tyra and her gigantic five-head. See, it's like a forehead, but bigger. So it's a five-head. Oh, Snap!

New Proof of the existence of God:

It's like he's really listening to me. Which is pretty amazing considering there are people getting their heads blown off daily...oh well, I guess it just goes to show we really are the chosen ones.

So what prayer of mine has been answered, you might ask? Well, behold the newest offering from our friends at A&E that is sure to change television programming as we know it forever and ever:

That's right, my friends, it's the two Coreys. As in Haim and Feldman. When I found out about this I just started screaming uncontrollably and throwing plates. Then I wet my pants. I'm not proud, okay? But this is BIG news. I can't tell you how long I've dreamed that something like this would happen. It seemed fate would forever get in the way though--what with Corey (H's) drug problems, Corey (F's) ballooning face, and the passing of twenty or so years. But at last, at long last, it has happened. This show will obviously be the best thing on TV since The Sopranos. Actually, it will probably make The Sopranos look like Everybody Loves Raymond. It will be that good.

(Grudgingly) Victoria Beckham might not suck as much as previously imagined

So, the Victoria Beckham Coming to America special aired on Monday, and despite the seething rage which Vicky was greeted with by American critics, I have to admit, she actually doesn't suck as much as we all thought. Sure, she's self-obsessed, bitchy, superficial, condescending, and naive, but hey, I'm all of those things too, and I have a rather high opinion of myself. And anyone who calls out Perez Hilton for being the little bitch ass-kisser that he is deserves some credit, don't you think?

I'd say the highlight had to be when she was invited over to the neighbor's house for a "luncheon" attended by a bevy of aging Hollywood mistresses that consisted of imbibing spectacular amounts of alcohol and listening to her host make dolphin noises. I mean, how can you fault such genius? People that didn't like this show have no sense of humor whatsoever. They probably think puppies aren't cute either. And that Ann Coulter is a "perfectly nice human being." So, you know, they obviously can't be trusted.

Mmmm...get me a Posh and Becks sandwich

I'm the first to admit that Posh sucks/needs to eat a cheeseburger/is made entirely of plastic. However, I'm also the first to admit that I'm totally going to DVR her new show when it airs, and when I watch it (late at night, all alone) I'm going to eat bon bons and scream obscenities at the television. Because you know, that's how I roll. Anyone who pretends not to be interested in watching her reality show is lying. It's like trying to convince people that if a video surfaced of Paris Hilton getting beaten up by a monkey, you wouldn't be interested. Yeah, right.

And say whatever you want about Posh, Becks is one fine hunk of manflesh. If he ever gets sick of making love to a stick figure with a pig-nose and boobs that look like they were fashioned from grapefruit halves, he should totally give me a call. I'd rock his world.

Flight of the Conchords is Epic

If you don't watch this show you're going to miss out on the single most important cultural contribution to the Western world EVER. I'm not kidding.

Degrassi: Fucking Brilliant

The Degrassi kids are all growed up...it seems like just yesterday Manny was marching around the hallways with her thong halfway up her ass, Emma was contracting venereal diseases, and J.T. (RIP) was selling prescription drugs to make rent money. Tonight's episode was as badass as I knew it would be...a two-parter that ends with Paige (now at Banting. I guess it's like the Harvard of Canada) crumbling under the pressures of Marketing 101 and (in a tense, dramatic scene) throwing all her books in a trashcan and setting them on fire (ahh...so that's why they don't allow candles in dorm rooms...) What comes next is anybody's guess. I've got my money on a complete and total mental breakdown where she goes lesbian again and quits school to become a full-time drug addict and prostitute. Ah, Paige Michaelchuck....what will you do next? Imagine your poor parents, having to cope with a gay son AND a gay daughter all at once. Do I smell suicide attempt? Homicide? God, it could be anything...that's the innate brilliance, you see?

And Marco and Paige's brother, shacking up together and playing "roommate" for their parents during Thanksgiving dinner?! I mean, my God, how rife with symbolism! I wonder what Ellie is up to...I wish they'd focused more on her than that Christian holier-than-thou bitch Darcy and her stupid love interest Peter with his faggy Saab convertible mommy and daddy bought him (the very car he used to get street cred last season by entering it in drag races...) Ugh.

Anyway, you see how carried away I tend to get with this stuff. Sometimes I ask myself if there was life before Degrassi, and I must concede that no, there most certainly wasn't. At least, not life as I have come to know and love it.