Real Scary

Ahhhh! What the hell is Tomkat doing?! Why are they looking at me like I just questioned the existence of Xenu? This is the last thing you see before they capture you and chain you to a toilet in the basement of the Scientology Center with nothing but a bucket of barley water and a copy of Battlefield Earth. Scary stuff.

Mini me

Holy fucking hell, Tom Cruise is small. I mean, I know he's small, but then I see pictures like this where it looks like he's been photoshopped in and I think "Holy hell this guy is literally 4'3"." Clearly, he forgot to wear his lifts, and Katie was misprogrammed to have a free will that day so she wore heels. You know Tommy Girl was pissed. He probably stamped his little elfin feet and cried bitter alien tears. Aww, when he gets like that you just need to give him a shot of Barley water and a picture of a naked dude with Will Smith's head taped to it. Works every time.

On standby mode...

I can't resist posting pictures of Tomkat. They're starting to look more and more ridiculous with each passing day. Tommy Girl is shrinking and Katie is turning into his ideal robotic wife. She looks like she fell 'asleep' in this pic, though. Tommy needs to reboot her.

Robot love

Here's TomKat at Madonna's Malawi fundraiser. He's letting her out of the house in heels now, which must be a sign that she's 'behaving' at home. There's no way she's only this much taller than him, though. Tommy Girl is only 5'3" and you know it. The rest of his height is made up of his ego and the power of Xenu.

Twinsies!

Aww, how cute. Tom and Katie's identities have officially merged into one…alien-style. They look like a lesbian power couple. Only with less power, and a lot more lesbian.

The pic above is of them leaving a restaurant in Hollywood the other day wearing matching Ann Taylor pantsuits. Good thing Tommy Girl isn't wearing his lifts, or they'd be damn near impossible to tell apart.

Tom Cruise on: Tom Cruise, Homoeroticist

There's this fucking brilliant remixed video of his crazy Scientology rant. Unfortunately, I couldn't lift it, so you'll just have to go to Gawker to see it. Very funny.

Jesus was a pedophile

Scientololoonies scare me more than terrorists, child molesters, and George W Bush combined. Partially because they're so shady about what they may or may not believe in. I don't get why they don't just come out and say it. But then I hear shit like this, and it becomes obvious why they try to hide what they believe in: they're fucking crazy.

So apparently some website called FACTnet spent over 20 hours interviewing a former high-ranking Scientologist named Jesse Prince. He was second-in command of all of Scientology's operations worldwide. Here's what they learned:

• Celebrity Scientologists are compensated handsomely for their endorsement of the religion. One of the most absurd cases of course involves Tom Cruise. When he got married to Nicole Kidman, the Church's leader, David Miscavage, found out that Tom fantasized about running through a wheat field with her. So he spent tens of thousands of dollars turning a portion of Scientology's desert compound into a wheat field.

• The Church also organizes marriages and divorces that it sees as beneficial to Scientology. For instance, the Church helped arrange Lisa Marie Presley's marriage to Michael Jackson in the hopes that he would convert and encourage thousands of his young fans to do so as well. At the time Presley was already married to a Scientology staff member, so a divorce was quickly arranged.

• Perhaps one of the most disturbing allegations that came to light in interviews with Jesse Prince is that many celebrities (and countless non-celebrities) experienced psychotic breaks while undergoing some of Scientology's bizarre initiations. Tom Cruise is said to have become extremely sickly-looking and ill after his initiation known as OT III, where he was told his body was actually composed of thousands of aliens from all over the universe and they were fighting for control of his body.

• According to Prince, many celebrities have tried unsuccessfully to leave the Church, including John Travolta, Tom Cruise, Kelly Preston, and Kirstie Alley. Celebrities who exhibit antagonistic views on Scientology may be monitored by lackeys known as "support" staff who report back to David Miscavage. Perhaps most shockingly, Prince alleges that John Travolta was having a homosexual relationship they didn't approve of. So Miscavage ordered a large staff to stay with Travolta for weeks at a time until they could bring him back into the fold. They eventually arranged his marriage to Kelly Preston.

• There are secret documents which assert that Hubbard was the anti-Christ and that Jesus wasn't a holy figure at all, but a pedophile. The document caused so many problems with those who read it that they eventually deemed it "too dangerous" and had it removed.
  

If that shit doesn't scare you, then you must have balls of steel and fists that can shoot laser beams. If I suddenly go "missing" or my blog gets taken down in the next few days, you'll know what happened.

Tom Cruise is prepared

Tom Cruise is fucking crazy. That statement shouldn't need any backing up whatsoever, but if you happen to be the skeptical type, just get a load of this: he's building a $10 million dollar bunker at his Telluride, Colorado estate. Why, you ask? Well, to protect him and 9 other lucky people from the evil alien Xenu when he comes back to earth to destroy us all. Duh.

Seriously though, this thing is going to have a state-of-the-art air purification system and enough food and supplies to sustain ten people for years. And really, what better way to spend your money than to build a fortress to protect yourself in the event that some stupid doomsday prophecy perpetuated by the drug-fueled hallucinations of L. Ron Hubbard comes true? I mean, this is based on bulletproof logic, people.

For a rundown of what these kooks actually believe, check out the Wikipedia entry on it. I would say that no one could possibly be that fucking stupid--that it's all been blown out of proportion to make Scientologists seem even more retarded than they already are, but none of them will deny any of this information, so I guess it's true.

I couldn't resist including a couple of the more idiotic tenets of what these ass-clowns actually believe. These are my favorites:
- Psychiatry is responsible for WWI, the rise of Hitler and Stalin, the decline in education standards in the United States, the wars in Bosnia and Kosovo, and the September 11 attacks.
- Xenu is an alien ruler of the "Galactic Confederacy" who, 75 million years ago, brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs.

Um, yeah.

Tom Cruise is ready to have sex with Katie Holmes...through a sheet with a hole in it

Apparently TomKat is ready for baby #2. If we're not careful, there might one day be an army of self-righteous midgets trying to control the world through Scientology. Because they'd be Tom Cruise's kids, get it? But seriously, will someone please put something in the water that makes everyone in Hollywood sterile? It doesn't necessarily have to kill them--just turn their reproductive organs into mush.

Sorry Katie, Tom doesn't like you in that way...

Apparently Tomkat have been living in separate wings of their Beverly Hills mansion. According to 'a source':

"At first, it was because Katie was Catholic and single, and they were only dating. It was the proper thing to do. Now that they are married, they don’t feel the need to alter the arrangement. Tom has his master bedroom, and Katie has hers.”

The source adds, (I imagine hastily):

"Of course they spend time together alone at night like most married couples; after all, they conceived Suri!"

Yes, they did. But it was obviously through a sheet with a hole in it. If Tom Cruise even sees naked breasts he probably just starts weeping uncontrollably. Then he probably catches himself and says something like, "Actually, I want those things...in my FACE. LIKE NOW!" and then he goes and tries to fondle them like he imagines a straight person would.

Tom Cruise is Jesus Christ?

According to the cult er, 'Church' of Scientology, Tom Cruise is Scientology's Jesus Christ. The 'leader' David Miscavige says that Cruise will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion, and sources close to Tom have confirmed that “Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure."

How do they draw the comparison between Jesus Christ and Tom Cruise? Don't get me wrong, I'm Jewish, but it seems to me that Jesus is remembered for the nice stuff he did, and Tom Cruise will be remembered for what a fucking nut he was (and closet homosexual). On the upside, I can't think of a better way to scare people off of a religion than naming Tom Cruise it's model adherent. It'd be like Michael Vick being the spokesperson for a doggy day care facility. Tom Cruise is about as Christlike as the can of Coke on my desk. Only the can of Coke is more Christlike because it isn't a homophobic asshole.

Two-headed beast known as TomKat dances; I have nightmares

I feel like my eyelids have been scalded with boiling hot acid.

This atrocity was carried out at the Welcome to America party held for the Beckhams. Apparently everyone was having a "really good time" and feeling totally "uninhibited" to the point where when the DJ played "Old Time Rock & Roll" Tom reinacted his most famously horrifying scene from Risky Business. According to USWeekly.com, "At one point, he got on his back and kicked his legs in the air, just like in the movie!" However, it adds, "the star kept his pants on."

Well thank God. I've got enough problems as it is without having to see Tom Cruise without pants on. If he ever danced near me like that, I'd elbow him in the solar plexus and nail him to the fucking floor.