The Hills is Back Bitches

And it's more boring and self-absorbed than ever. No, that's a good thing! It's what I like best about this show. I don't know who started that rumor that the 4th season's viewership was down, but they are obviously smoking butt hair, because it was explosive and my modern-day hero Justin Bobby was back in action as Chicklet-Teeth's main dildo, so I was ecstatic. And Spencer was an amazing douche, as always. I can't wait to follow these whores around for another season of pointless awkward silences and forced drama!

Post Mortem: The Hills Season 3

If you like awkward silences, watching rich bitches eat and shop at places you could never afford, and vapid social discourse, you will LOVE the season finale of The Hills! Of course I loved it, but I'm a masochist. I get off on watching six hour marathons of Intervention. It's not normal.

I've also decided The Hills isn't quite as fake as Heidi's face. Yes, 90% of the drama is carefully orchestrated by people who can't bother to ensure continuity, but this show is way too fucking boring NOT to be partly real.

On a side note, you know what is as fake as Heidi's face? Heidi's face. Just look at her before (season 1):

And now (season 3):


I mean shit, she practically got her chin removed--that reminds me, she should give the name of her surgeon to Rumer (Mrs. Potatohead) Willis. That girl could DEFINITELY benefit from a chin-reduction.

Justin Bobby--Nooooooo!!!

Sorry for all the Hills related posts, but I'm balls deep in this shit. Spencer's flesh-colored beard is starting to invade my dreams at night. I'm holding out for a sex dream with Justin Bobby. It's bound to happen.

Anyway, Monday on The Hills LC went on a date with Stephen (that dude she liked in high school), Lo and LC continued to gang up on Chicklet-Teeth (Audrina), and Justin Bobby CUT HIS HAIR. I'm still reeling from the shock of it. MTV is systematically taking the single-greatest joy in my life and leaving a moist, steamy dump on it. Fuck you MTV. 

Whoa, Justin Bobby kind of has a flesh-colored beard too. What's up with that? Is there something in the water?

I have a fever, and the only cure is more Justin Bobby

OMG it finally happened. Justin Bobby made his triumphant return to The Hills. I hate to wax poetic, but he is undeniably, without a doubt, the best thing to happen to reality TV in the history of all time. Justin Bobby can make Jesus cry. True story.

There are a number of notable changes in our hero since the last time we saw him ignoring Audrina and saying awesome shit ("your friends don't fathom me" e.g.):

•  A PR team and a stylist have both definitely gotten their grubby little hands all over him. He's like a more marketable version of his former self. 
  
• He's a total coke monkey. You can tell by his random eye tics and the fact that he's actually interested in what Chicklet-teeth is saying. Goddamn, the only way I could sit and listen to that bitch talk is if someone gave me a stiff drink and an 8-ball.

I daresay I'm not sure I like it, either. It's like MTV tried to wipe the douche off him. Before he was this genuinely arrogant disinterested breath of fresh air. Now he's more like the stale farts of Reality TV's recycled ideas.

I'll take what I can get though.

Justin Bobby!

Justin Bobby, that hot bitch from The Hills, has landed himself a modeling gig. And until they bring him back to the show (it's gonna happen. I've seen the scenes from this season!) I guess I'll have to comfort myself with the knowledge that yes, he is out there, honing his douche skills and rubbing his chest hair.

I love JustinBobby

There is a high-larious spoof on The Hills done by Mila Kunis, playing the embattled Audrina, and James Franco, playing the insouciant JustinBobby. He's got it down--from the detached look of arrogance, to the hair toss, to the annoyingly vague, cryptic speech. Seriously, if JustinBobby leaves the show, I'm not watching it anymore and God must hate me. Check out the video here. I couldn't post it because the window is too wide and it doesn't fit on my page and it messes up my feng shui and shit.

Lo is still my fave bitch on The Hills

Monday night's episode was pretty gay. Lauren went on a date with some gnome-faced model which got Brody all jealous and protective, and they had ANOTHER barbecue on the beach at Brody's and Lauren talked about herself a lot, and Heidi did her makeup and Spencer just douched around because he doesn't have a job. You know, the usual. But one morsel of comedic relief was provided by the always reliably honest Lo, who expressed her excitement at meeting Lauren's new boytoy because, as she said, "I love passing judgment on people." We're like birds of a feather. I love passing judgment on people too! What's this moderately intelligent, self-aware chick doing hanging out with these mongoloids?

Note: the clip is of deleted scenes from Season 1 where Lo convinces Lauren she needs to buy a Vespa (and matching helmet) for her move to San Francisco. Hilarity ensues!

The Hills is about 'relationships'

On Monday's episode of The Hills, Lo got drunk and flashed her "Britney," Lauren had a major makeout sesh with Brody, and Justin "Bobby" pissed everyone off when he drank his shot before Brody had a chance to make some lame-ass toast about 'true friends.' Saying it was "entertaining" is like saying Hitler was "pretty bad." There are currently no words in the English language capable of expressing the awesomeness that is The Hills. When there are (which is probably impossible) I'll let you know.

You can check out the ultra-explosive scenes from next week here.

Oh, and here's a 'clip' (aka really lame recording someone took off their TV and put on You Tube) of my favorite Hills moment ever--when we're introduced to Justin "Bobby." Watch his face. It's priceless.