Hillary as Wino

If she really looked like this, I'd probably have voted for her. Hot bitch.

Ty Ty is back.

Cycle 10 of Top Model is basically like every other cycle before it. Tyra is still telling the girls to "smile with their eyes," she's still acting like a drag queen cheerleader on acid, and she's still inserting useless personal anecdotes about herself at every opportunity. 

This week she had the models pose in a photo shoot with real homeless people. Then she got all choked up describing how she had to pretend to be a homeless person for one day as a segment on her talk show and the girls (some of whom really had been homeless at one point) nodded emphatically.  The whole thing would have been unbearable if it hadn't been Tyra Banks doing it. For some reason, no matter what she does, I love her. She is above reproach. Like Jesus only, you know, more saintly. 

Painted Whore

I'm sorry, but there is no fucking way Paris Hilton looks like this in real life. Bitch is more airbrushed than Tyra Banks. For all we know, she's 5'4" 145 pounds, and brunette. She also probably smells like self-tanner and dick cheese. Barf.

George W. Bush cares about black people...part 2

Nobody likes Paris Hilton

Being that Paris is a complete Celebutard/dumb skank, it only makes sense no one would want to hang out with her--and that she would turn that unpopularity into a television opportunity. According to Us Weekly, she's going to be in a new reality show. The premise, according to an insider, is this:

"The show is going to be about her searching for a new best friend. Paris is tired of the haters and she's looking for someone new. She's looking for someone new and cool who she can trust. The new show is going to be full of good chick drama and you will see a side of Paris not seen on Simple Life."

Um, and what side might that be? We've already seen narcissistic Paris, whore-y Paris, slutty Paris, pole-dancing Paris, and drunk Paris. What's left? No, seriously, I'm open. Surprise me.

On standby mode...

I can't resist posting pictures of Tomkat. They're starting to look more and more ridiculous with each passing day. Tommy Girl is shrinking and Katie is turning into his ideal robotic wife. She looks like she fell 'asleep' in this pic, though. Tommy needs to reboot her.

George W. Bush cares about black people

See? Look at him caring about black people. I misunderestimated his devotion to the cause.

White Oprah speaks

First of all, let me say that this picture of White Oprah fills me with an indescribable joy. She looks like a photographer just asked her if she thinks Ali will turn into a painted whore like her sister. I can just hear White Oprah saying, "Ali is doing fine. She's surrounding herself with positive people. She's amazing. She's fine." White Oprah is so full of shit.

Anyway, as you may or may not know, Lindsay got naked to recreate Marilyn Monroe's last photo shoot. Check it out here. Although, I warn you, it's not pretty. She looks like she needs a power wash to scrub off all the semen and tanning lotion. But I digress.

The point is, White Oprah released a 'statement' about the photo shoot because she loves to hear herself talk. She said: "I looked at it as art, as Lindsay doing a character. So I don't look at them like it's Playboy; she was being a character. So if you look at it that way, you can look at it as a mother."

All of a sudden bitch acts like she has a moral compass. You know she'd be all for a Playboy spread, as long as it made the cover. I can imagine her justifying it: "I looked at it as an anatomy lesson. Like a study of tits and ass. So, when I think of it from a medical standpoint, I can look at it as a mother." 

Two words: dumb. bitch.

Best. Blog. Ever.

Every once in awhile, someone comes up with an idea so brilliant, even I haven't thought of it before. Stuff White People Like is a blog that compiles a list of all the things white people can't get enough of, including:

#69 Mos Def: "He is everything that white people dream about: authentic (”he’s from Brooklyn!”), funny (”he was on Chapelle show!”), artistic (have you heard “Black on Both Sides?”), an actor (”he’s in the new Gondry film!”) and not white (”I don’t see race”)."

#67 Standing still at concerts: "Remember, at a concert everyone is watching you just waiting for you to try to start dancing. Then they will make fun of you."

#63 Expensive Sandwiches: "It’s important to note that this type of restaurant is best for business or friendship situations as it is very neutral and does not carry connotations like Sushi or Breakfast."

#58 Japan: "If you find yourself in an awkward silence with white people, just mention how you want to go to Japan. They will immediately begin talking about how their trip to Japan, or their favorite stuff from Japan, but it will be entirely about them."

Goddammit this shit is good. It renews my faith in humanity and warms my stone cold heart. Harrumph...

This makes me uncomfortable

Kanye West's video for "Flashing Lights" just came out, and it's um...edgy. Which is exactly what he was going for, I'm sure. He's so good at breaking down hip-hop stereotypes and being innovative. That's why there's a chick in the video who strips off all her clothes and ends up half-naked, with the camera catching every jelly-roll-like movement of her impressive hindquarters--in slow mo. Because, you know, you don't usually see that kind of shit in rap videos.

P.S. The video vixen, it turns out, is this chick, and she's selling her worn panties online for the bargain price of $24.95. And they're guaranteed to have her "unique scent" on them!

A note to Ashanti...

This is not the right color foundation. In fact, it's not even close. You need to fire your makeup artist, and this time hire a gay. They'd never do this to you.

I want this in my closet NOW

It's nice to see that Cassie, who, depending on who you ask, may or may not be "fuckin for tracks" as they say, at least has the decency to be useful for something: in this case a walking clothes rack. I'm seriously all over Herve Leger right now, and the fact that this dress is yellow just makes it that much more awesome. Also, love the white nail polish. I can't justify it, I just do.

Keep up the good work, sweetheart. "Me and U" was a great hot jam, but I have a feeling your place in the industry has been usurped by Rihanna, who is just a teensy bit more talented, and ultimately may not have to sleep with Diddy to get some tracks laid down for a new album. Just sayin'.

Almost as good as the real thing...

Madame Tussaud's unveiled a new wax figure of Barack Obama and it is sexy. Not as sexy as the real thing, of course, but I can't say I wouldn't be interested in a Barack Obama Real Doll. I'd tap that ass.

Wino performance amazingly lucid

Amy couldn't make it to the Grammys but she still performed live via satellite, and dare I say it, she was actually good. Assuming she's sober, sobriety agrees with her. She actually attempted to dance a little bit. Granted, watching Amy 'shake that ass' is somewhat akin to watching a giraffe having a seizure, but it's the thought that counts.

Before Amy Winehouse...

There was Nina Simone. And bitch could wail.

Robot love

Here's TomKat at Madonna's Malawi fundraiser. He's letting her out of the house in heels now, which must be a sign that she's 'behaving' at home. There's no way she's only this much taller than him, though. Tommy Girl is only 5'3" and you know it. The rest of his height is made up of his ego and the power of Xenu.

Twinsies!

Aww, how cute. Tom and Katie's identities have officially merged into one…alien-style. They look like a lesbian power couple. Only with less power, and a lot more lesbian.

The pic above is of them leaving a restaurant in Hollywood the other day wearing matching Ann Taylor pantsuits. Good thing Tommy Girl isn't wearing his lifts, or they'd be damn near impossible to tell apart.

Men who look like old lesbians...

I'm suprised the blogger over at menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com didn't pick up on the fact that Tom Petty looked like a pretty old lesbian during his Super Bowl halftime performance. Thoughts??

Makeup lessons with Nancy Grace

Not sure what's going on with Lindsay's face, but it appears she has begun the terrible, irreversible transformation into a South Beach fortysomething trophy wife. It also appears she's gone to the Nancy Grace school of cheek contouring. My god, shes got enough brown shit smeared on her face to be mistaken for a colored person. No, not like a minority. Like a fucking person who's been colored in with a mixture of DHA and cat feces.

Oh and here's the lovely and talented Nancy Grace. Who also has a love affair with orange rouge.

Paris Hilton: wonk-eye

Here is Paris looking like the epitome of understated elegance to the premiere of her new film, The Hottie and the Nottie. Ironically, Paris plays the hottie.

I once read somewhere that her lazy eye is caused by wearing those fake-ass blue contacts all the time. Because apparently NOT having cerulean, barbie-colored eyes destroys her well-manicured image as a walking sex doll. At any rate, it seems to be getting worse. Before long she'll be perpetually winking at us.

Herra fucked up doo...

Way to go Sales Genie, for broadcasting the most racist commercial I've seen in a long time. Pandas speaking in stereotypically "Chinese" accents?? Hilarious! And so essential to the message you were trying to convey about finding good sales leads. Because having dogs with Russian accents just really wouldn't have gotten the point across.
And yet somehow, this was NOT rated the worst commercial of the Super Bowl. Nice.

I have questions

Number one: why are Marc Jacobs and Lil' Kim suddenly wearing the same shade of foundation? I have this sneaking suspicion Marc has been spending a little too much time gaying it up in St. Tropez, because there's no fucking way they should be the exact same color.

And #2, why does Lil' Kim look like LaToya Jackson? Don't get me wrong, she's always been kind of a butterhead, but this is just obscene. When plastic surgery starts to make you look like a Jackson, it's time to hang up the scalpel and, you know, stop cutting your face. Homegirl's afraid of aging, and it shows.

Brilliance seasoned with genius

Sarah Silverman is pretty fucking funny. And this is what she gave her boyfriend, Jimmy Kimmel, for their 5 year anniversary. She makes me proud to be a Jew.