Oh no, we have another Marc Jacobs on our hands

I'm all for getting fit, but why do these guys insist on turning themselves into Hollywood sluts with fake tans and a bad case of manorexia? First Marc Jacobs, who went from a bespectacled, slightly pear-shaped boy-wonder to an oversexed, blue-haired fairy with a Spongebob tattoo and a raging case of herpes...Now Perez Hilton, whose fame and countless VH1 specials have apparently gotten to his head and made him decide it's necessary to binge on coke and diet pills, buy a corset, and hit up the White House Annual Correspondent's Dinner like it ain't no thang. 

WTF?

Oh, and here's what he used to look like, for reference:

And just look what fame did to poor Marc:

Proof that Victoria Beckham didn't always look like an alien sex-bot:

This is what a fake breast looks like:

Lindsay HOhan was out shopping in LA yesterday sporting some serious side-boob. And FYI, those things are definitely not real. Don't get me wrong, it's really top-notch work. I'd like the name of her surgeon, in fact.

But remember when she looked like this?


Yeah, that was back when she was getting a bunch of flack for being too skinny. So what did she do? Eat more cheeseburgers? Go to the gym? Stop throwing up the lettuce and ketchup she had for lunch? HELL NO!! She got a boob job! And everyone totally fell for it. The media praised her new "womanly" figure and parents everywhere rejoiced that their daughters would no longer be worshiping a stick figure from the Rachel Zoe School of Blatant Anorexia.

So, the moral of the story is, if people think you're too skinny, don't gain an ounce! Just get your boobs done. Keep binging, purging, and starving to your little hearts' content! Beat the system!

Amy Winehouse is in love...

Early this morning, Amy Winehouse stumbled out of a London hotel looking like this:

Apparently the singer had settled in with her husband for a nice, quiet night of shooting heroin when they got into some kind of a row and ended up beating the shit out of each other. The blood on Winehouse's feet is from injecting the heroin between her toes.

And just in case you were worried that she was the only one left battered and bloodied after the altercation, check out the claw marks on Blake Fielder-Civil's face:


Ahhh, young love. So volatile, so wrought with tragedy. Here's to hoping these two crazy kids spend the rest of their lives together...

Nicole Richie proves me wrong...

God, I feel like such an ass. I mean, here I am throwing around accusations that Nicole is anorexic and it's not true! She's just really, really naturally thin. See? She's eating in the picture above. Which is proof that contrary to what I believed, she actually has eaten since 2003.

Apparently the pregnancy rumors are true as well. At least for now. I wouldn't be surprised if she "miscarries" sometime in the next month, in which case she's a fucking liar. Come to think of it, I probably don't trust her as far as I can throw her--which doesn't even really work in this case because I could probably pick her up in one hand and just chuck her the length of a football field.

Nicole Richie heads to jail, hopes the food won't make her fat

The long arm of the law came crashing down on our favorite little anorexic's head last week, and Nicole is going to have to serve 4 days in jail for her DUI back in December. This was the girl driving down the freeway in THE WRONG DIRECTION at like 5 in the morning high on weed and prescription pills. So she should basically be charged with attempted manslaughter or something. But, since she's "pregnant" and all, she walks with only 4 days. I'm pretty sure people have served longer sentences for double parking. It's ridiculous.

Also ridiculous? Joel Madden. I'm pretty sure he's the biggest douchebag that's ever lived.

Renee Zellweger used to not suck

Renee Zellweger's career arc is definitely on the downswing. Remember when she used to not suck? She was in Empire Records, for chrissake, which until the age of 14 was my holy bible of how to dress/talk/act/sound cool. Sure, she played the blonde slutty one, and Liv was way hotter (especially in that cropped sweater/plaid miniskirt/combat boots ensemble. God, how I envied her!) but at least she was healthy looking. And young. She was even pretty un-annoying in Jerry Maguire, or at least her annoyingness paled in comparison to her heterosexually-challenged co-star. But then there was Bridget Jones, a "fat" role which she so selflessly gained like, 40 pounds for. I fear this movie was her undoing. Perhaps after staring at herself on camera day after day, she got it into her head that it would be better to exercise compulsively, lose about 50 pounds, and avoid the sun like a vampire. Thus, we have her in her present, and I daresay, permanent condition:


She's become this sort of sour-faced, anorexic, short-haired, lady-who-lunches and gives-dirty-looks-to-"the help" type. It is a rather unfortunate incantation. Why must her face be so puckered? Is she always sucking on a lemon? Is she so disgusted with Hollywood and fame that it leaves a sour taste in her mouth? What Renee, pray tell, would it take for you to relax your damn face, stop exercising quite so much, get out in the sun a bit more, and--dare I say it--wear something other than a Carolina Herrera strapless number. Please, throw me a bone here.

Angelina Jolie looks like a bobble-head doll

Okay, Angie is hot. I'm not here to dispute that. A six-month-old blind baby could tell that she's hot. She's just hot. But I'm wondering what her rationale could be for getting so positively gaunt that her head actually just seems to be getting larger... At this point, I'm not even noticing how skinny her arms or legs look, I'm just thinking, "Wow, has her head always been that big? Her forehead? And my god, look at those teeth. They're HUGE."

If god had had the heart to bless me with an ample busom and curves that could end wars and cure sick children, you can bet your ass I wouldn't be fucking it all up like she is. Eat something woman! Don't you and Brad want to have like, 14 kids or something? I'd be surprised if you were even fertile in the state you're in. It is positively tragic. And that vein that runs up your forehead every time you smile is starting to scare me too. My prescription is a month of Big Macs and Whopper Jrs, no diet coke allowed. No vegetables allowed, either. Just red meat and processed white bread. Oh, and cheese. Lots and lots of cheese.