After spending 45 days in rehab, Lindsay Lohan, aka The Firecrotch Walking Train Wreck Publicity Whore, was released to the outside world. And just to prove that she's serious about staying sober, she's supposedly wearing some sort of alcohol monitoring bracelet. And this, of course, is an insult to moderately intelligent people everywhere. Who's going to be monitoring the stupid alcohol bracelet anyway? Her mom? Please, Dina is more permissive than Britney Spears on quaaludes and a six pack of Bud Light. I know twelve year olds that would make better parents. Hell, I would make a better parent. Because you know what I'd do? I'd lock Lindsay in a room with Corey Feldman and Corey Haim and make her listen to their sob stories about partying and its detrimental effects on physical appearance and your career. That'd teach her.
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