Fuck Clear Channel

Do you ever wonder how many hot jams have had their artistic integrity mangled by the suits over at Clear Channel in the name of "Christian values"? I mean, I hate to break it to you folks, but Akon is NOT singing "I wanna love you..." Because he doesn't want to love you at all. He wants to fuck you. I was similarly dismayed to find that the David Banner song "Play" isn't actually about "workin' dem hips" but working that certain part of the female anatomy that some people apparently find as culturally reprehensible as poppin' caps in people's asses and killing kittens. This is censorship people! Where's your sense of self-righteous indignation?

So here's the unedited version, as David Banner, in all his perverted glory, intended it. Because who are we to tell him he can't rap about getting pussies wet? I mean really, isn't it time we stopped trying to play God?

Star Jones eats it

Not that there's any point to it, but I discovered (if by discovered you mean stole from wwtdd.com) this priceless clip of a fat Star Jones-Reynolds getting knocked out by a football. And I just thought I should remind everyone that a.) she used to be fat and b.) she totally sucks. Amen.

Paris has a bad week

Amidst rumors that Grandpa Hilton has cut Paris out of his inheritance, it seems that her career is in trouble too. Apparently she's going to be starring in some wacko musical called Repo! The Genetic Opera. The plot is either insane or the most brilliant thing ever created, depending on which way you look at it. In the year 2056, some "mysterious plague threatens the survival of the human race," and the world depends on being able to finance an organ transplant or something like that.

E Online describes the film as a "seemingly genre-defying musical thriller." I describe it as the greatest single insult to the collective intelligence since the creation of The View. Seiously, I'd rather be trapped in a room with Lindsay Lohan doing rails off of a toilet seat and babbling incoherently about Machiavelli than expose myself to this nonsense. Even I have my limits.

Nicole Richie heads to jail, hopes the food won't make her fat

The long arm of the law came crashing down on our favorite little anorexic's head last week, and Nicole is going to have to serve 4 days in jail for her DUI back in December. This was the girl driving down the freeway in THE WRONG DIRECTION at like 5 in the morning high on weed and prescription pills. So she should basically be charged with attempted manslaughter or something. But, since she's "pregnant" and all, she walks with only 4 days. I'm pretty sure people have served longer sentences for double parking. It's ridiculous.

Also ridiculous? Joel Madden. I'm pretty sure he's the biggest douchebag that's ever lived.

Mike Tyson is a perfectly decent human being

This video montage of various interviews with Mike Tyson is probably the most horrifying thing I've ever seen in my entire life. A video of a lamb being raped by a Donkey would be less obscene. If I ever saw him on the street, I'd probably go up to him and blow my rape horn right in his face and then run down the street screaming, "MIKE TYSON IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!"

The two faces of David Hasselhoff

I just thought I should remind everyone that there is more to David Hasselhoff than being a drunk-ass poor excuse for a father who judges America's Got Talent. He's also an accomplished singer/songwriter. The man just has so much to offer, it's a shame we can only focus on his battles with alcohol and middle age and ignore the fact that he sings like an angel. Like God's personal angel, in fact. Here's proof:

See what I mean? I wish him a safe, speedy recovery from near career-death and substance abuse.

"Rapper" Ja Rule arrested on gun charges

This isn't exactly breaking news, but Ja Rule and Lil' Wayne were both arrested in separate incidents for gun possession in New York Sunday night. I totally understand why Weezy would be carrying a gun, because he's the shit and he can do whatever the fuck he wants. However, Ja Rule's career high came in 2001 when he was in Jennifer Lopez' music video for "I'm Real" and since then, no one gives a fuck. Lauren Conrad from The Hills has more of a career than he does and you don't see her packing heat. None of it made sense, until I saw this picture:

He looks about as hard as Dakota Fanning. Or Boys II Men. If I saw him on the street, I'd probably try to jump him and then maybe pull his underwear over his head or something just for humiliation's sake. We might even be evenly matched--I heard he's like 5'1". The police should have just looked at him and let him go for being overly small and douchey.

Hot Jam of the week: The Fixxers "Can you werk wit dat"

I have no idea where these dudes came from, but let me first say that the skinny one has awesome hair. I kind of can't help but respect a black man that grows out his own hair and straightirons it. And I can't even say why. I just do.

Two-headed beast known as TomKat dances; I have nightmares

I feel like my eyelids have been scalded with boiling hot acid.

This atrocity was carried out at the Welcome to America party held for the Beckhams. Apparently everyone was having a "really good time" and feeling totally "uninhibited" to the point where when the DJ played "Old Time Rock & Roll" Tom reinacted his most famously horrifying scene from Risky Business. According to USWeekly.com, "At one point, he got on his back and kicked his legs in the air, just like in the movie!" However, it adds, "the star kept his pants on."

Well thank God. I've got enough problems as it is without having to see Tom Cruise without pants on. If he ever danced near me like that, I'd elbow him in the solar plexus and nail him to the fucking floor.

The hits just keep on coming...

So unless you've had your head up your ass, you know by now that Lindsay was arrested for drunk driving AGAIN and that she also had cocaine in her pocket.

She's practically begging me to punch her in the face. I mean, really. Is she even trying? At this point, I wouldn't be shocked to see her lying in the middle of the street in Santa Monica, clutching a copy of Machiavelli's The Prince in one hand and an eight ball of cocaine in the other while chanting a mixture of Kabbalah and complete gibberish and stuffing dollar bills up her nose. She's totally headed into Elisabeth Taylor territory. Brace yourself.

RIP: Tammy Faye

Tammy Faye Messner died Friday morning at the age of 65. And thus, we have lost one of the greatest gay icons of all time. I'm sure drag queens everywhere are beside themselves with grief. But seriously, anyone who manages to be an Evangelical, a singer, a talk show personality, an entrepeneur, and a Surreal Life cast member all in one lifetime is a total genius in my book. RIP

New Proof of the existence of God:

It's like he's really listening to me. Which is pretty amazing considering there are people getting their heads blown off daily...oh well, I guess it just goes to show we really are the chosen ones.

So what prayer of mine has been answered, you might ask? Well, behold the newest offering from our friends at A&E that is sure to change television programming as we know it forever and ever:

That's right, my friends, it's the two Coreys. As in Haim and Feldman. When I found out about this I just started screaming uncontrollably and throwing plates. Then I wet my pants. I'm not proud, okay? But this is BIG news. I can't tell you how long I've dreamed that something like this would happen. It seemed fate would forever get in the way though--what with Corey (H's) drug problems, Corey (F's) ballooning face, and the passing of twenty or so years. But at last, at long last, it has happened. This show will obviously be the best thing on TV since The Sopranos. Actually, it will probably make The Sopranos look like Everybody Loves Raymond. It will be that good.

(Grudgingly) Victoria Beckham might not suck as much as previously imagined

So, the Victoria Beckham Coming to America special aired on Monday, and despite the seething rage which Vicky was greeted with by American critics, I have to admit, she actually doesn't suck as much as we all thought. Sure, she's self-obsessed, bitchy, superficial, condescending, and naive, but hey, I'm all of those things too, and I have a rather high opinion of myself. And anyone who calls out Perez Hilton for being the little bitch ass-kisser that he is deserves some credit, don't you think?

I'd say the highlight had to be when she was invited over to the neighbor's house for a "luncheon" attended by a bevy of aging Hollywood mistresses that consisted of imbibing spectacular amounts of alcohol and listening to her host make dolphin noises. I mean, how can you fault such genius? People that didn't like this show have no sense of humor whatsoever. They probably think puppies aren't cute either. And that Ann Coulter is a "perfectly nice human being." So, you know, they obviously can't be trusted.

Lindsay Lohan thinks you're stupid

After spending 45 days in rehab, Lindsay Lohan, aka The Firecrotch Walking Train Wreck Publicity Whore, was released to the outside world. And just to prove that she's serious about staying sober, she's supposedly wearing some sort of alcohol monitoring bracelet. And this, of course, is an insult to moderately intelligent people everywhere. Who's going to be monitoring the stupid alcohol bracelet anyway? Her mom? Please, Dina is more permissive than Britney Spears on quaaludes and a six pack of Bud Light. I know twelve year olds that would make better parents. Hell, I would make a better parent. Because you know what I'd do? I'd lock Lindsay in a room with Corey Feldman and Corey Haim and make her listen to their sob stories about partying and its detrimental effects on physical appearance and your career. That'd teach her.

Victoria Beckham is made entirely of plastic

How else to explain her disturbing non-human waxy flexibility? She looks like if you just bent her over, she'd stay that way, helpless until someone came to bend her back upright. Kind of like Barbie, only, you know, less human.

Jessica Simpson looks scary on the cover of Bazaar

Simps is really not a bad looking girl. You just got sick of looking at her face, that's all. And I think we can blame that on Papa Joe, so really, she's blameless. However, I am deeply disturbed by her August cover of Harper's Bazaar:

Okay, so I'm used to seeing her looking like she's got that skin condition you get when you eat too many carrots and you turn orange. And I'm also used to seeing her smile a little too wide. Honey, we get it, you've had great dental work, please stop trying to rub it in. Nay, I think what scares me the most about this picture is that it doesn't even look like Jessica. Who does it look like? Well, maybe a wax figurine of Jessica Simpson, or a plastic surgery addict who wanted to look like Jessica but didn't quite get the chin right. Did you look at that thing closely? My God, it looks like it's about to split down the middle and poop out a baby alien. Great, now I've thoroughly spooked myself and it's just getting dark.

The Odd Couple:

Okay, WTF is up with these secret late-night rendezvous between Sienna and Diddy? They go together just about as well as toddlers and handguns. Or peanut butter and eggs. Or Larry King and Dakota Fanning. It's just wrong.

Mmmm...get me a Posh and Becks sandwich

I'm the first to admit that Posh sucks/needs to eat a cheeseburger/is made entirely of plastic. However, I'm also the first to admit that I'm totally going to DVR her new show when it airs, and when I watch it (late at night, all alone) I'm going to eat bon bons and scream obscenities at the television. Because you know, that's how I roll. Anyone who pretends not to be interested in watching her reality show is lying. It's like trying to convince people that if a video surfaced of Paris Hilton getting beaten up by a monkey, you wouldn't be interested. Yeah, right.

And say whatever you want about Posh, Becks is one fine hunk of manflesh. If he ever gets sick of making love to a stick figure with a pig-nose and boobs that look like they were fashioned from grapefruit halves, he should totally give me a call. I'd rock his world.

Heidi Montag is so poor she can't even afford clothes

Heidi Montag seems to be photographed constantly wearing nothing but a bikini. Which leads me to the obvious conclusion: that the cost of her new boobs was so incongrious with her income (which, I'm assuming is $0.00), she can no longer afford clothes. Apparently her "engagement" to Spencer What's-his-face wasn't enough to keep her in the tabloids, so now she's showing off her poverty for everyone to see. So tacky. That would also explain why she's wearing an American flag bikini--no doubt a "vintage" Goodwill find, circa 1992. Because seriously, unless you live in Oklahoma and drive a 1972 Ford pickup, and/or you're posing for a Bruce Springstein album cover what do you want with an American flag bikini? Gross.

Flight of the Conchords is Epic

If you don't watch this show you're going to miss out on the single most important cultural contribution to the Western world EVER. I'm not kidding.

I definitely need to hang out with John Stamos...

Uncle Jesse was in Australia not too long ago making an ass of himself on TV. Most people have probably already seen the clip, but even so, it's worth taking another look. This guy is cool. Like, Cool Hand Luke Cool. Miles Davis Cool. In the dictionary under cool, they should have a picture of John Stamos that says, "this guy is cooler than you." Because he is.

P. Diddy is super classy...

I mean, why else would he be stealing a glance at Jessica Biel's tatas? I'm sure there's a reasonable explaination. Maybe someone from the crowd threw a piece of baby corn and it landed in her cleavage. Maybe Diddy just realized that there's a squirrel living in there. Maybe Jessica Biel is A MAN. Whatever it is, I'm sure Diddy has a perfectly good explaination. Because, you know, he's just too classy to stare at a chick's boobs like that. Did I say classy? Oops, I meant rich. He's far too rich to need to stare at a Jess' boobs. He probably has his own dipped in 24 karat gold anyway. And he's got Kim Kardashian's ass to use as a helicopter landing pad. So you know, he's set.

Paige loves Alex!

Well, it turns out that at least a one of my predictions came true...Part 2 of "Free Fallin" carried with it the promise of a rekindled romance between my two favorite lesbians, Paige and Alex. Paige crumbled under the tremendous pressure of schoolwork and made a desperate, late night drive all the way from Banting to Toronto for a "sleepover" with Alex that culminated in a kiss. Just a peck, but knowing Degrassi (and how it so goes there...) I'm thinking this is just a preview of coming attractions.

In my opinion, Alex could to waaay better...I mean, not to be cruel or anything, but Paige has certainly gained a few chins since starting her Freshman year, and Alex used to date Jay, who is by far the top castmember of Degrassi that belongs in my bed (don't worry, he's legal. I checked). But being that Alex is a full-blown muff-diver at this point, and has always had a soft spot for Paige, I guess it only makes sense that they'd end up together.

Criss Angel: Freak

Um, has anyone actually paid attention to how creepy Criss Angel is? I have no idea if the Cam/Criss thing really happened or not, but, assuming it did (because it would be more fun that way) Cam, sweetheart, what the fuck were you thinking? I mean have you really looked at this guy, like, in the face?



Shocking isn't it? And by shocking, I mean it's shocking that he isn't tackled by a team of plainclothes policemen doing a raid on cheesy, shaven-chested, black toenail-polish-wearing douchebags every time he leaves his house. I mean, my God. Just look at him:



What the fuck is he trying to do? If he's trying to be sexy, it's not working because looking at his picture makes me feel like sewing my vagina shut. The only type of person that would find this look attractive would be someone who shops at Hot Topic and listens to Slipknot...in other words, weirdo losers. And, last time I checked CAM, you are not a weirdo loser and you DEFINITELY do not shop at Hot Topic. So, you see, it doesn't add up--



And um, excuse me, Criss, is that a THONG I see peeking out in the lower left hand corner of the picture? A THONG Criss? Was it really necessary? Was it like, at the photo shoot the photographer went, "hell, Criss, you look really really hot right now, but I can't help thinking that something's missing. No, no, don't get me wrong, the muscles are looking great, they just need a little something extra...I know, will you put on this thong for me? Oh yes! Yes! Thats brilliant!"

The black toenail polish...the vain preoccupation with an ab machine...The eyeliner....Oh God, it's enough to make me want to throw up in my mouth. And just in case you weren't already 100% convinced that Criss Angel is a fucking weirdo creep, get a load of this:



Criss Angel is the only guy in LA sleazy enough to make Paris Hilton look like an innocent victim of unwanted sexual advances...And I've heard she fucks monkeys, so that lets you know how creepy Criss Angel is.

Renee Zellweger used to not suck

Renee Zellweger's career arc is definitely on the downswing. Remember when she used to not suck? She was in Empire Records, for chrissake, which until the age of 14 was my holy bible of how to dress/talk/act/sound cool. Sure, she played the blonde slutty one, and Liv was way hotter (especially in that cropped sweater/plaid miniskirt/combat boots ensemble. God, how I envied her!) but at least she was healthy looking. And young. She was even pretty un-annoying in Jerry Maguire, or at least her annoyingness paled in comparison to her heterosexually-challenged co-star. But then there was Bridget Jones, a "fat" role which she so selflessly gained like, 40 pounds for. I fear this movie was her undoing. Perhaps after staring at herself on camera day after day, she got it into her head that it would be better to exercise compulsively, lose about 50 pounds, and avoid the sun like a vampire. Thus, we have her in her present, and I daresay, permanent condition:


She's become this sort of sour-faced, anorexic, short-haired, lady-who-lunches and gives-dirty-looks-to-"the help" type. It is a rather unfortunate incantation. Why must her face be so puckered? Is she always sucking on a lemon? Is she so disgusted with Hollywood and fame that it leaves a sour taste in her mouth? What Renee, pray tell, would it take for you to relax your damn face, stop exercising quite so much, get out in the sun a bit more, and--dare I say it--wear something other than a Carolina Herrera strapless number. Please, throw me a bone here.

Newsflash: Hilary Duff is actually kind of cute...

I am loathe to admit it, but La Duff is looking pretty foxy in these photos from her performance on The Today Show this past week. The hair and makeup is super cute, the jewelry is blingin,' and that dress belongs in my closet, like now.

Considering how she used to look, this is even bigger news:

How nice that she's finally grown into her dental work. But most importantly, she no longer looks like a goblin that tickles your feet in the middle of the night and lives under your clothes hamper. Which is like, a big improvement. Don't get me wrong, she still sucks, but at least she's easier on the eyes than her nonfamous sister. Which reminds me, why must Haylie Duff continuosly subject us to her horse-face? If my face looked like that I would rip it off and feed it to a dog.

Actually, come to think of it, I would rather look like that woman that really did get the face transplant because her dog ate her face...she's way hotter than Haylie Duff. Haylie Duff is the ugliest person on the face of the planet.