WTF?

I just realized something that will blow your mind: Kathy Griffin looks like Andy Dick in drag. Seriously.

Popwreck

Britney has completely fucking lost it. All she does is make repeated, pointless trips to gas stations and convenience stores--ostensibly for stolen lighters and cheetos, but we all know the real reason: bitch can't get enough of those papz! They're her best friends!

Last night she topped even her usual antics by taking one of the photogs back to the Peninsula Hotel with her. He didn't emerge until 4a.m., and left saying he needed a cigarette. Ugh. I would rather be forced to watch that 2 Girls, 1 Cup video on loop while eating chocolate ice cream than have that mental image pop into my head.

Someone get me a coat hanger

So unless you live at the bottom of a very deep well, you know that Jamie Lynn, Britney's 16-year-old sister, is with child.

Remember when The National Enquirer broke a story about her being pregnant all the way back in July? Well, they got sued for it, but it looks like maybe the only time in history they can actually say, "we were right." They've just released a (hilarious) letter written to them by Jamie Lynn's lawyers at the time they broke the story:

"Ms. Spears is a devout Christian with a spotless reputation, who lives in accordance with the highest moral and ethical standards in accordance with her faith.
There is no “rumor concerning Ms. Spears' (non-existent) pregnancy, except perhaps for the baseless rumor just now being created by the National Enquirer.
Ms. Spears is not pregnant. It is pathetic for the National Enquirer to attempt to create a wholly baseless rumor that Ms. Spears is pregnant, so it can run a malicious story and false story which would be emotionally devastating to a morally upright 16 year old girl."

Apparently "living in accordance with the highest moral and ethical standards" includes moving in with and getting knocked up by your boyfriend when you're 16. So um....that's cool. And by cool I mean completely hypocritical.

Too bad, she was going to be the cute one too. Now she's going to blow up like a goddamned Macy's Thanksgiving Day float.

The coolest story ever turns out to be false

If this had been true, it would have made the birth of Jesus look about as important as Britney's 17th daily trip to Starbucks. Seriously.

So apparently Wayne was talking to some reporter from O.C. Weekly about doing a musical collaboration with Zac Efron because he wanted to "reach those suburban white kids like Kanye did." Then suddenly, "as if on cue," Zac came in the room, said, "What's up my nigga?" Gave Wayne a pound, and planted a big fat, juicy kiss right on his lips. The reporter wrote: "Obviously, Efron is going to have to work harder to squelch rumors surrounding his sexual orientation."

Okay, first of all, Wayne should know that if he's a rapper, he already has the suburban white market cornered (they can't get enough of that shit). And second of all, there's nothing Zac Efron can do to squelch rumors surrounding his sexual orientation. He could videotape himself fucking a line of 50 chicks while throwing footballs and he'd still be gayer than a dog in pink sunglasses.

Anyway, like all really good, awesomely juicy stories, this one was a complete fabrication. The editor of O.C. Weekly contacted PerezHilton.com, saying, "I just wanted to clarify that the Zac Efron and Lil' Wayne story is purely fictional and is simply intended as a joke (and a hysterical one at that)."

Michael Lohan puts his acting chops to the test:

Michael "hey, remember me?" Lohan was participating in a nativity reenactment in Times Square last night. He played the part of Joseph. Which is in no way ironic. Apparently he spent most of the performance cradling a plastic baby Jesus. Then some bystander said, "Hopefully that baby Jesus turns out a little better than Lindsay." And hilarity ensued.

Happy Holidays!

This is awkward

Tommy Girl has been following Will Smith around like a lovesick puppy. He was there when Will put down his hand prints in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater, and he was there last night at the NYC premiere of "I Am Legend." Then cameras caught this intimate moment between the two of them:
Umm...geez, get a room, guys. It looks like Tommy leaned in for the kiss and Will switched it up last minute to go for the bro-pat-on-the-back. He's probably thinking, "Not in front of the kids, my love. Later we shall lie supine, entwined in each other's arms and clutching at each other's man-parts..."

I'm beginning to think Scientology is some kind of recovery/brainwash system for gay men in Hollywood who can't be out of the closet because of their careers. The evidence is piling up...

Justice is served

Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick was just sentenced to 23 months in prison for his participation in an illegal dog fighting ring. I just love it when the legal system takes it's head out of its ass for five seconds and deals out an appropriate penalty.

I remember when Whoopi Goldberg defended him by saying, "You know from his background this is not an unusual thing for where he comes from..." and "This is part of his cultural upbringing." Uh, so I guess she meant that being black and from the South is an excuse...because those people don't know right from wrong. Which is total bullshit. He wasn't dogfighting because he's black, or because he was raised in the South. He was dogfighting because he's a fucking ass-clown. Period.

Germany tries to make up for Holocaust; bans Scientology

Top officials announced today that they are seeking a ban on the Church of Scientology because it "threatens the peaceful democratic order." The interior ministers wouldn't disclose any specific information about the ban, but said,

"From a number of sources, some of them not available to the public, it has been determined that (the organization) seeks to limit or rescind basic and human rights, such as the right to develop one's personality and the right to be treated equally."

Nice. This almost makes up for everything, Germany. I know you've been some racist shits in the past, but if you ban Scientology, you'll be the only truly free nation in the Western world, and a model to other nations (ahem, U.S.)

You know Tommy Girl is P-I-S-S-E-D. He's probably in talks with David Miscavage right now about what to do. They'll probably try and pull the religious intolerance card, but please. Everyone knows that shit is a cult and not a religion. A cult that kills people.

Nail art is cool

Check out this video. It's some chick named Kid Sister featuring Kanye West. And it pays homage to one of the most ancient of beauty rituals...nail art. Of which I am an avid fan.

Remy Ma is a woman after my own heart

Remy Ma kept it real in an interview with XXL Magazine, and said maybe the coolest thing anyone's ever said in the history of Hip hop. Scratch that--it was the coolest thing anyone's ever said in the history of the world:

"I want to do nothing. I wanna go fucking shopping like every other bitch and get my pussy ate. I don’t give a fuck. What do you mean, What do I wanna do? I don’t wanna do nothing! I wanna shop and look fly and fuck my man."

Damn, this bitch is hard. I'm pretty sure she's got more street cred than Lil' Wayne. Then again, I'm a white Jew from suburbia. Jay walking makes you fucking 2pac where I'm from. But whatever. Remy tells it like it is, and I couldn't agree with her more.

And here's the video for "Conceited." It's good. She doesn't exactly have the lyrical skills of Lil' Kim, but I'll bet Kim wishes she was still this hot. She's about one plastic surgery procedure away from LaToya Jackson status.

I love JustinBobby

There is a high-larious spoof on The Hills done by Mila Kunis, playing the embattled Audrina, and James Franco, playing the insouciant JustinBobby. He's got it down--from the detached look of arrogance, to the hair toss, to the annoyingly vague, cryptic speech. Seriously, if JustinBobby leaves the show, I'm not watching it anymore and God must hate me. Check out the video here. I couldn't post it because the window is too wide and it doesn't fit on my page and it messes up my feng shui and shit.

Separated at birth?

I have no idea why they would take a perfectly beautiful girl on Top Model and give her a haircut that makes it look like she has downs. But then again I've learned not to question the wisdom of Tyra Banks, if for no other reason than the fact that she's a crazy bitch, and therefore defies logic.

BTW, the dude in the picture is some awesome fairy (I'm using the term literally, not in the derogatory sense) with his own website where he basically dresses up and goes clubbing and takes pictures of himself. You can see his website here. I wonder if that's his real hair, or if he has a weave too.

Lil' Wayne is magic

The quote on the cover of Complex Magazine with Lil' Wayne says: "I'm a martian and if you understand me then you're Jesus Christ." And I have no idea what that means, but I don't question genius. I'm just a simpleton, after all.

Posh gets her gigantic mammaries removed; becomes instantly classier

Recent photos of Posh are noticeably absent of the large, round orbs that had heretofore been posing as breasts. I guess she decided to go for the more natural look to match her dark hair. Bitch actually looks pretty good, too. Less like a Real Doll and more like an actual human being. She still needs to work on that vacant stare, though.

The Brits like gay people

Elton John's life partner, a Canadian by the name of David Furnish, is supporting a bill in the UK that would make it illegal to tell homophobic jokes. If the bill is passed and you are found guilty of gay-hatin' you could face up to 7 years in the slammer. David said,

"I think any sort of hatred is unacceptable so yes, I support it. That said, I think this country is unbelievably tolerant and I feel privileged to live here and to be married to a Brit - as well as thankful that I can be married to a Brit."

First of all, this guy is one lucky bitch because he has British citizenship. Hell, I'd marry Elton John for British citizenship. Secondly, this shit is just not gonna happen. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for gay pride, but how do you enforce something like that? It's like trying to outlaw ignorance. It's a nice thought, but what would we do without ignorant people? We'd have no one to look down on, make fun of, or otherwise disparage.

...And if you outlaw gay jokes than you have to outlaw Jew jokes, racist jokes, jokes about women, jokes about midgets, and you definitely can't tell jokes about black Jewish gay midgets. And I don't want to live in a world where you can't tell jokes about black Jewish gay midgets.

Thank God, even if this law passes, there's no way in hell it'd make it to America. Because in America there are few things held more sacred than the right to disseminate hatred. Oh, except maybe the right to a Starbuck's on every corner...and a drive-thru within 5 miles of your home... I think those are in the constitution.

PSAs about Pot have always been retarded

Why is it that no one can come up with a single good reason why smoking pot is going to ruin your life? Maybe because it won't. Anti-pot commercials are always emphasizing the "gateway drug" affect, where you start out smoking joints, and end up with a needle in your arm. Which is just um...well let's just say I have yet to meet a pothead who sits up one day and goes, "Hey, I want to get some crack and just go fucking crazy!"

But here's a PSA I actually remember from my own youth. It's less frightening than it is hilarious.

Stevie Wonder is awesome--Sesame Street used to be cool

Stevie really rocks the shit out for this performance on Sesame Street. Seriously, he's so good, it fucks with my head.

Sean Kingston has more money than you

Sean Kingston was the picture of understated elegance at NBC's Today Show this morning, rocking his iced-out 64-Crayola Box. Gotta love novelty man-jewelry made from blood diamonds...At the very least, I'm sure his neck is getting a rather strenuous workout.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Here's a funny picture of our ass-clown president to get you in the holiday spirit. And by holiday spirit I mean bludgeoning douchebags to death spirit. Cuz, you know, that's what the holidays are all about--pent-up anger finally boiling over in a seething cauldron of rage that manifests itself in impromptu sobfests and violence directed at old ladies and kittens. Yeah.

Dr. Jan Adams is a really good doctor

Dr. Jan Adams--the butcher that may have been responsible for Dr. Donda West's death--was on Larry King last night to plead his case and clear up any "inaccuracies" in the press. But less than two minutes into the interview he got up and walked out. According to him the West family didn't want him to go on the show, and their lawyers had written him a letter asking him not to. So he was apparently "honoring their wishes."

I'm no expert, but this guy is fucking guilty. At the very least, guilty of being a smarmy douchebag who's in love with the sound of his own voice. I'm sure you've read all the other gems about him that are coming out of the woodwork: 3 DUIs, a restraining order from his ex-wife, multiple malpractice suits...the real tragedy here is that this mongoloid still has his medical licesnse. Oh, that and apparently Dr. Donda West couldn't read. Otherwise she would have found out about all this shit and not let him anywhere near her with a scalpel.

Click here to see the video.

Jesus was a pedophile

Scientololoonies scare me more than terrorists, child molesters, and George W Bush combined. Partially because they're so shady about what they may or may not believe in. I don't get why they don't just come out and say it. But then I hear shit like this, and it becomes obvious why they try to hide what they believe in: they're fucking crazy.

So apparently some website called FACTnet spent over 20 hours interviewing a former high-ranking Scientologist named Jesse Prince. He was second-in command of all of Scientology's operations worldwide. Here's what they learned:

• Celebrity Scientologists are compensated handsomely for their endorsement of the religion. One of the most absurd cases of course involves Tom Cruise. When he got married to Nicole Kidman, the Church's leader, David Miscavage, found out that Tom fantasized about running through a wheat field with her. So he spent tens of thousands of dollars turning a portion of Scientology's desert compound into a wheat field.

• The Church also organizes marriages and divorces that it sees as beneficial to Scientology. For instance, the Church helped arrange Lisa Marie Presley's marriage to Michael Jackson in the hopes that he would convert and encourage thousands of his young fans to do so as well. At the time Presley was already married to a Scientology staff member, so a divorce was quickly arranged.

• Perhaps one of the most disturbing allegations that came to light in interviews with Jesse Prince is that many celebrities (and countless non-celebrities) experienced psychotic breaks while undergoing some of Scientology's bizarre initiations. Tom Cruise is said to have become extremely sickly-looking and ill after his initiation known as OT III, where he was told his body was actually composed of thousands of aliens from all over the universe and they were fighting for control of his body.

• According to Prince, many celebrities have tried unsuccessfully to leave the Church, including John Travolta, Tom Cruise, Kelly Preston, and Kirstie Alley. Celebrities who exhibit antagonistic views on Scientology may be monitored by lackeys known as "support" staff who report back to David Miscavage. Perhaps most shockingly, Prince alleges that John Travolta was having a homosexual relationship they didn't approve of. So Miscavage ordered a large staff to stay with Travolta for weeks at a time until they could bring him back into the fold. They eventually arranged his marriage to Kelly Preston.

• There are secret documents which assert that Hubbard was the anti-Christ and that Jesus wasn't a holy figure at all, but a pedophile. The document caused so many problems with those who read it that they eventually deemed it "too dangerous" and had it removed.
  

If that shit doesn't scare you, then you must have balls of steel and fists that can shoot laser beams. If I suddenly go "missing" or my blog gets taken down in the next few days, you'll know what happened.

I think my eardrums are bleeding

A country group called Sugarland performed Beyonce's "Irreplaceable" at the AMAs this weekend. And yeah, it was as bad as you'd imagine. Beyonce seems to be under the mistaken impression that she's God's gift to music. She probably thinks having her song covered puts her on the level of Bob Dylan or The Beatles.

Weezy F Magazine covers: pure manjoyment

Weezy shot not one, not two, but three covers for XXL Magazine. I think he looks hot in all of them. Lord, what I wouldn't do to have his grills all up in my business...

Paris Hilton wants to help drunk elephants

Apparently Northeast India has a problem with elephants breaking into local farms and imbibing large amounts of the farmers' homemade rice beer. Then they go on drunken rampages that usually end in human and pachyderm fatalities. Authorities are hopeful that a 'celebrity' endorsement from someone like Paris will raise awareness of the problem. And it's their lucky fucking day, because it just so happens that Paris is in dire need of a "philanthropic" endeavor to focus attention away from the fact that she's a fucking retard.

"The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them," she said.

You know who else we need to stop making alcohol available to? Paris Hilton. Because when you take someone as profoundly retarded as she is and add alcohol to the mix, bad things happen. I can't say what, exactly, but I know it involves rashes and oozing sores.

This is how good it could have been

Video just leaked of the rehearsal for Britney's VMA performance. You'll notice there's something missing though. Something big, blond, and uncoordinated. I can't quite put my finger on what it is...

I have 4 words for you: Spencer Pratt sex tape

If you didn't just throw up in your own mouth, then there's something seriously the matter with you. I'm praying to God it's not true, but apparently sources are saying that he made a sex tape in Brazil before he started dating Heidi, and now he's trying to orchestrate a set-up where the tape gets "stolen" and "leaked" and he makes a million dollars. Of course, the Douche claims this is false, saying he's never been on camera and never made a sex tape in the first place, with the caveat that he has been in Brazil to "film a jujitsu tournament for a documentary." We'll leave the absurdity of that statement aside for a moment and just focus on the horrific prospect of actually having to see this douche having sex. Suffice to say I'd rather watch a pig get raped by a donkey than be forced to watch that. I have my limits.

Dog : "I'm black, too."

Asswipe of the century Dog the Bounty Hunter brought on the full-blown freakfest for his appearance on Hannity and Colmes. Among his outrageous claims was that he would kill himself for forgiveness, he wanted to be buried in an unmarked grave with slaves, and that he thought he was black.

"I thought that I was cool enough in the black world to be able to use that word as a brother to a brother. I'm not. I didn't really know until three or four days ago what that meant to black people...There's a special connection that I thought I had between me and black America. And I used to say, 'I'm black, too.'

Is this guy a total fucking retard? He didn't know what the N-word meant to the black community? How could he say that and then in the very next sentence declare that he had a "connection" with the black community.

The national tour of repentance will continue on Larry King tonight. You know what I think they should make him do? Kiss Reverend Al Sharpton's ass just like in the South Park episode. What does that have to do with making up for his racist tirade? Nothing. It would just be funny as hell to see him pucker up thinking it's going to make everything all better and then have the Reverend slap him in the face with a leather glove and say, "Bitch, get outta my office!"

"The world will be a better place when this satanic piece of filth retires"

A Christian watchdog group calling themselves The Resistance (La Resistance?) are urging 50 Cent to make good on his promise and quit the rap game. Because remember when he kept saying he'd retire if his album didn't outsell Kanye's? Well, it didn't. And lo and behold he's still around.

La Resistance is calling on supporters to flood Fiddy's Myspace page with comments asking him to retire. Are these people retarded? 50 Cent is not going to retire so long as sex, money, and drugs sell albums. And thanks to capitalism, we know that will be from now until the end of time.

Also, these people have their priorities all wrong. If they really want to go after "satanic pieces of filth" they should be going after Paris Hilton, who has forced herself on more people than David Copperfield. That is a movement I would fully support.

This is good shit

Lupe Fiasco has rightfully been called one of the most underrated rappers in the game. He's the antidote to the "money over everything and bitches under all" hip-hop mentality. This is the video for his new song "Dumb it Down," and it's hot.

Hot mess

Hohan's daddy has been pimping himself out for the major TV networks trying to sell the concept of his reality show. Check out the preview above for all the awesome train wreckage you'd expect from a Lohan.

Those assholes at Maxim are fucking racists

Maxim, purveyor of quality, engaging magazine content, made some stupid list of the top 5 most "unsexy" women in Hollywood, and it was populated by a couple of hot messes, a couple of Jews, a wannabe Jew, and an Asian. Here it is:

1) Sarah Jessica Parker
2) Amy Winehouse
3) Sandra Oh
4) Madonna
5) Britney Spears

Okay, so Britney and Wino--that's fair. Their unsexiness goes far more than skin deep. One is a ghoulish, beehived freak with a drug problem, and the other is a crotch-flashing, 10,000 calorie-a-day-eating, unfit mother who can't sing. But WTF is up with putting Sandra Oh at #3? She's not even ugly. She has no business being on that list in a world where people like Tara Reid and Kimberly Stewart aren't even included. And Sarah Jessica Parker, who I'll be the first to admit is no great beauty, is the #1 most unsexy woman alive? C'mon! That's total bullshit! What about Rita Cosby, Ann Coulter, and Nancy Grace? Those are all women who take unsexy to a whole new level-- they're all woman-hating ho-bags! Especially Ann Coulter, who obviously thinks of herself as a pretty hot piece. Bitch should have been #1!!

So, basically, if you want to avoid being put on Maxim's Most Unsexy list, you can be diseased, prone to ending up face down in a pile of your own vomit, stupid, incoherent, and generally disgusting but you'd better not be old, Jewish, or have non-Caucasian features. Because you know, that shit is just plain U-G-L-Y.

Here are the lucky winners:

Sarah Jessica Parker:


Amy Winehouse:


Sandra Oh:


Madonna:


Britney Spears:

Proof that Victoria Beckham didn't always look like an alien sex-bot:

Awesome Awesomeness

There are no words.

He's not as dumb as we all thought

Whenever Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his mouth, cool stuff comes out. Who can forget his many memorable one-liners from Pumping Iron? God, he was awesome in that movie.

Anyway, he's at it again. After boldly proclaiming he's never done drugs, he either remembered or was reminded that there's video footage of him smoking weed in a 1970's documentary. So he says this:

"That is not a drug. It's a leaf. My drug was pumping iron, trust me."

And the guy isn't lying. Here's how he described the art of bodybuilding in Pumping Iron:

"It's as satisfying to me as, uh, coming is, you know? As, ah, having sex with a woman and coming. And so can you believe how much I am in heaven? I am like, uh, getting the feeling of coming in a gym, I'm getting the feeling of coming at home, I'm getting the feeling of coming backstage when I pump up, when I pose in front of 5,000 people, I get the same feeling, so I am coming day and night. I mean, it's terrific. Right? So you know, I am in heaven."

How can you possibly fault such bulletproof logic? What does a guy need drugs for if his whole life is one long orgasm? You can't defeat the Governator. And do you know why? Because it's impossible to defeat someone who has his head so far up his ass that he hasn't seen the light of day for the better half of this century. Now that's what makes a good politician.

Lo is still my fave bitch on The Hills

Monday night's episode was pretty gay. Lauren went on a date with some gnome-faced model which got Brody all jealous and protective, and they had ANOTHER barbecue on the beach at Brody's and Lauren talked about herself a lot, and Heidi did her makeup and Spencer just douched around because he doesn't have a job. You know, the usual. But one morsel of comedic relief was provided by the always reliably honest Lo, who expressed her excitement at meeting Lauren's new boytoy because, as she said, "I love passing judgment on people." We're like birds of a feather. I love passing judgment on people too! What's this moderately intelligent, self-aware chick doing hanging out with these mongoloids?

Note: the clip is of deleted scenes from Season 1 where Lo convinces Lauren she needs to buy a Vespa (and matching helmet) for her move to San Francisco. Hilarity ensues!

This is going to suck donkey balls

The trailer for Paris Hilton's new movie, Repo: The Genetic Opera, was released by Lions Gate and it looks pretty craptacular. I don't get the premise, really. A horror film musical? With Paris Hilton? They might as well try to make a mockumentary about the holocaust. You know, one that makes fun of all the Jews. Because that would be hilarious!

Disclaimer: after watching this you will most surely become despondent, and/or extremely irate. I recommend you stay away from blunt objects and watch something awesomely soothing after, like The Hills.

The Ho hits up the beach

Heidi-Ho and Spencer hit up the beach last week to 'film' her new music video. And by 'film her new music video' I mean have Heidi writhe around like a paraplegic who's fallen out of her wheelchair while Spencer follows her around with a camera and a boombox. The production value on this thing must have been in the neighborhood of $5. Check out the behind the scenes footage on TMZ.com. Good times.

the cryogenically frozen head of--Paris Hilton?

In maybe the most awesome news ever, Paris Hilton is preparing herself for immortality by investing large sums of money in the Cryogenics Institute. You heard me right. Paris wants to be cryogenically frozen with her two dogs, Tinkerbell and Cinderella. Here's what she had to say:

"Almost all the cells in the body are still alive when death is pronounced... if you're immediately cooled you can be perfectly preserved. My life could extend by hundreds of thousands of years!"

Holy mother of God. Dear Jesus. WHY? I mean, don't get me wrong, I would be ecstatic if Paris had her head frozen in a jar, but what about future generations? Are we really so nearsighted that we can't see the bigger picture? Imagine the damage she could do a thousand years from now. Who knows what kind of technology they'll have. What if they clone her? What if she steals a time machine and makes herself Rupert Murdoch? Can you imagine if our media was controlled by Paris Hilton? 24-hour news networks devoted to Paris, The Real World starring seven Parises...Could you live with yourself knowing full well that this is the legacy you'll be passing on to future generations? Well I don't know about you, but I actually have a soul. I won't let this happen!

This is what a fake breast looks like:

Lindsay HOhan was out shopping in LA yesterday sporting some serious side-boob. And FYI, those things are definitely not real. Don't get me wrong, it's really top-notch work. I'd like the name of her surgeon, in fact.

But remember when she looked like this?


Yeah, that was back when she was getting a bunch of flack for being too skinny. So what did she do? Eat more cheeseburgers? Go to the gym? Stop throwing up the lettuce and ketchup she had for lunch? HELL NO!! She got a boob job! And everyone totally fell for it. The media praised her new "womanly" figure and parents everywhere rejoiced that their daughters would no longer be worshiping a stick figure from the Rachel Zoe School of Blatant Anorexia.

So, the moral of the story is, if people think you're too skinny, don't gain an ounce! Just get your boobs done. Keep binging, purging, and starving to your little hearts' content! Beat the system!

And this is America...

Some douche named Katt Williams showed up to the BET Hip Hop awards wearing a noose around his neck. A fucking noose. Worst of all, I'm sure he was totally aware that there were members of the Jena Six in attendance. What was he trying to do, be ironic? Thought-provoking? The only thing ironic about this outfit is that he wasn't punched in the face by someone with common human decency.

Has anyone even heard of this ass-clown? He's a comedian? Wow, he must be a fucking riot.

Lindsay is doing great!

Lindsay Lohan is officially off the wagon. This news is about as shocking as the news that Paris Hilton is going to be filming her trip to Rwanda. As in, not shocking at all. Anyone who thought she'd last longer than 5 minutes on the outside is obviously either retarded or putting too much faith in God. Maybe both. In addition, she's broke as hell:

"And now the 21-year-old is so skint she can't afford her own place—and has become a lodger at a rich pal's mansion. Her extravagant spending spree includes:

* A MILLION dollars on just one hotel bill
* $137,000 in rehab costs as she battles her hopeless addiction to drink and drugs
* THOUSANDS more in legal fees after multiple drink driving convictions.

We can reveal that after jetting back to Los Angeles this week following her two-month stay at the Utah's Cirque Lodge rehab clinic, Lohan is staying in the guest house of billionaire Tom Gores, executive producer on her recent film I Know Who Killed Me."

Like I said before, the hits just keep on coming. Next up: Daddy Lohan grants an exclusive interview to Entertainment Tonight, The Insider, In Touch Weekly, Star, and OK! chronicling the ongoing battle with his inner demons and "that thing with his daughter." Then Dina will fire back on Oprah, calling him a sex addict and a liar, and insist that Lindsay is "doing great and trying to surround herself with positive people." Then Lindsay will end up face down in a pile of her own vomit at Hyde, with her skirt pulled up over her head and penises drawn all over her face. Then she'll be arrested again for carrying a concealed firearm. Then back to rehab, then repeat. I know because I'm psychic. Just kidding, I know because it's fucking obvious.

It can't be...

Rapper T.I. has been arrested for allegedly stockpiling enough automatic weapons to bring down the Ugandan government. Apparently his bodyguard was caught trying to purchase silencers from undercover agents. And I don't know why, but I think T.I. is innocent. He's just too ridiculously good-looking to be guilty. Good-looking people don't do bad things. It's a scientific fact. Besides, I'm sure there was a perfectly reasonable explanation. Like, he was donating the guns to a whale sanctuary. Or an orphanage. Or, I dunno, Cuba. Whatever. He's hot.

Here's some pics of T.I. for your manjoyment:

Paris Hilton is a fucking saint

Paris Hilton really doesn't want us to forget about her. She's going on a humanitarian trip to Rwanda, remember? She's totally changed, remember? She wants everyone to know that there's more to her than her famewhoring public image would suggest. So she does what any soldier of God would do: she's making a reality show.

"Paris Hilton is set to journey to Rwanda on a charity mission with the Playing for Good organization, and as it is always the case, cameras will be following her. Paris’ five-day trek to the African country, where she will visit clinics and schools, will be filmed with the hopes of selling it as a reality show titled The Philanthropist."

That's right folks, Paris Hilton is a philanthropist. Feel free to jump out a 12-story window at any time. She wants to use the show to prove to everyone how hardworking she is. But I don't think there's any doubt about how hardworking she is. I mean Jesus, sucking all that dick and collecting venereal diseases must be exhausting. And yet she still somehow finds the time to be photographed with black children. Is there no limit to her saintliness?

Kernels of wisdom from Ann Cuntler...

"No, we think — we just want Jews to be perfected, as they say … I don’t think you should take it [as offensive], but that is what Christians consider themselves: perfected Jews. We believe the Old Testament. As you know from the Old Testament, God was constantly getting fed up with humans for not being able to, you know, live up to all the laws. What Christians believe — this is just a statement of what the New Testament is — is that that’s why Christ came and died for our sins. Christians believe the Old Testament. You don’t believe our testament."

Now, will someone please get me a hammer, some bailing twine, and a shovel?

Jem warns kids about the dangers of lesbian pedophiles, shoplifting, and prescription pills

I used to watch this show as a kid. I don't remember it being so educational or informative, though. I guess I can credit Jem for the fact that I never got in a strange car with a lesbian pedophile who told me my parents had been in an accident. Jem saved my life!

Kanye West is a really good rapper

Kanye West got his ass schooled by Mos Def when the two engaged in a friendly freestyle battle. Mos fucking kills it! And Kanye...well, Kayne does what we've all come to expect him to do: namely, suck some big, fat donkey balls. To be fair, it wasn't even a fair match from the start. It's like taking Sebastian Bach and putting him in a piano recital against a retarded kid with ADHD. But here it is, for your enjoyment:

Victoria Beckham is so lifelike...

Victoria Beckham showed up to the opening of the Roberto Cavalli flagship store looking...well, like this:

My God, what's happened to her rack? Did it always look that ridiculous? It's like she came into her surgeon's office and said, "I want breasts that look like upturned cereal bowls, only less lifelike, and even more firm, okay?" And the surgeon thought, alright, this will take some improvisation, so he replaced her saline implants with grapegruit halves and said, "Voila! My masterpiece is complete!"

Seriously though, I think I could make more realistic looking breasts out of a tire iron and a 2X4...

F. Baby arrested--takes badass mug shot

Lil' Weezy was arrested in Boise, Idaho, of all Godawful places, probably for being black. No, I'm just kidding, he probably did something bad, because that's how he rolls. But really, isn't this an attractive mug shot? I can't empirically define why I find a 5'2'', grill-wearing, iced out, parrot-mouthed rapper attractive, but I do. I really, really do.