New Video: Lil' Mama "G Slide/Tour Bus"

And just because I'm not a total sadist, here's Lil' Mama's new song/video "G-Slide/Tour Bus." It's like an ointment for the rash that Britney's song gave me.

Now that's what I call a hot jam!

This isn't even funny anymore

I just listened to Britney's second single, "Cold as Ice," which was somehow 'miraculously' leaked onto the internet. And let's just say I'd rather listen to the sound of kittens being raped. This thing has to be a fucking joke. A horrible, unfunny joke.

The opening lyrics are a matter of dispute among the media. Some are reporting they go like this: "I'm just the girl with the ability to drive a man crazy/ Make him come in my mouth/ Make him my new baby..."

And as much as I wish that was what she was really saying, those people are perverts because the real lyrics go like this: "I'm just the girl with the ability to drive a man crazy/ Make him call me mama/ Make him my new baby..."

Either way, this thing sounds like it was produced in some dude's garage on a Casio keyboard with backup singers plucked from the local homeless shelter. I think my eardums are bleeding...and I'm feeling nauseous...uuuuuhhhh...yep. I just threw up in my own mouth.

If I haven't scared you off sufficiently, then have a listen. And don't blame me if you suddenly become sterile or want to kill yourself.


And if you really hate yourself and you're into self-punishment, listen to her other new single, "Gimme More."

A little something to whet your appetite...

Nothing gets me more pumped for a season of glorified anorexia, catfights, and Tyra Bank's ever-expanding ego than this promo for the opening credits of ANTM.

And like every cycle before it, Tyra will be encouraging all the black girls to act like 'hood niggas' and talking them through daddy issues. Cuz baby, whatever you're going through, Tyra's been there. Only it was way scarier, harder, and more dangerous than your experience. So shut the fuck up and let Ty Ty talk her piece. Tyra and her gigantic five-head. See, it's like a forehead, but bigger. So it's a five-head. Oh, Snap!

Perez Hilton thinks he's important

Asswipe extrardinaire Perez Hilton has somehow weaseled his way into the middle of another conflict. This morning he reported (as did every other blog on the internet) that Michael Lohan was scheduled to visit Lindsay in rehab. So what does Michael Lohan do? Well my God, he does what any Father of the Year would--he calls up Perez Hilton to whine about how Dina won't let him see the kids and has a raging coke problem.

I'm not even sure who I should be more disgusted with: Perez for being a kiss-ass, illiterate, unimaginative, pretend reporter, or Michael Lohan for taking his story to a kiss-ass, illiterate, unimaginative, pretend reporter. I'm pretty sure that if I punched Perez Hilton in his fat face and locked him in a closet, I could replace him with an overweight chimp and no one would even notice the difference--except for the fact that he'd suddenly have some dignity and be slightly more articulate.

Shia LeBeouf is beoufing Rihanna

So apparently Shia LeBeouf (some guy with maybe the worst name ever) is dating R&B songstress Rihanna. And honestly, I never thought she'd go for the curly, Jewish type. The baby-daddy, gun-toting, Crystal-drinking, Chopard-loving, rhyme-dropping gangsta, sure. But a Jew? Really? This chick might be smarter than we all thought...

People at Cambridge are fucking retards

Thank God the world's greatest scientific minds are being put to good use. Some horny dudes at Cambridge figured out that a woman's waist-to-hip ratio has a direct bearing on how sexily she walks. According to these highly scientific principles, Jessica Alba has the sexiest walk and the perfect waist-to-hip ratio of 0.7 (25 inch waist, 36 inch hip).

Is this seriously what we've come to? Do we have our heads so far up our asses that determining Jessica Alba is the perfect woman counts as science?? You know what I've determined by highly scientific research? That 99% of people are douchebags. And that Tom Cruise is gay. And you know I must be right because I wear a lab coat with a name tag and carry around a clipboard. If that's not science, I don't know what is.

Amy Winehouse is in love...

Early this morning, Amy Winehouse stumbled out of a London hotel looking like this:

Apparently the singer had settled in with her husband for a nice, quiet night of shooting heroin when they got into some kind of a row and ended up beating the shit out of each other. The blood on Winehouse's feet is from injecting the heroin between her toes.

And just in case you were worried that she was the only one left battered and bloodied after the altercation, check out the claw marks on Blake Fielder-Civil's face:


Ahhh, young love. So volatile, so wrought with tragedy. Here's to hoping these two crazy kids spend the rest of their lives together...

Sorry Katie, Tom doesn't like you in that way...

Apparently Tomkat have been living in separate wings of their Beverly Hills mansion. According to 'a source':

"At first, it was because Katie was Catholic and single, and they were only dating. It was the proper thing to do. Now that they are married, they don’t feel the need to alter the arrangement. Tom has his master bedroom, and Katie has hers.”

The source adds, (I imagine hastily):

"Of course they spend time together alone at night like most married couples; after all, they conceived Suri!"

Yes, they did. But it was obviously through a sheet with a hole in it. If Tom Cruise even sees naked breasts he probably just starts weeping uncontrollably. Then he probably catches himself and says something like, "Actually, I want those things...in my FACE. LIKE NOW!" and then he goes and tries to fondle them like he imagines a straight person would.

Foxy Brown pulls a Nicole Richie

Foxy Brown is going to have to serve jail time for violating her probation. So she does what any normal, sane person would do in that situation: she gets pregnant. Brown reportedly told the media that she was indeed expecting a child, and just to prove it she made a trip to B,B,&B to pick up some baby stuff and perhaps a few useless kitchen utensils.

I don't get it. It's not like being pregnant is actually going to change her sentence. It'd be like if I was being deported to Australia and I told everyone I suffered from psoriasis or PMDD. That's great, but it doesn't have a fucking thing to do with being deported. Sorry Foxy, looks like you opened your legs for naught. And now you'll be serving a life sentence as a parent, not a mini-stint in white collar resort prison. Dumbass.

Tom Cruise is Jesus Christ?

According to the cult er, 'Church' of Scientology, Tom Cruise is Scientology's Jesus Christ. The 'leader' David Miscavige says that Cruise will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion, and sources close to Tom have confirmed that “Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure."

How do they draw the comparison between Jesus Christ and Tom Cruise? Don't get me wrong, I'm Jewish, but it seems to me that Jesus is remembered for the nice stuff he did, and Tom Cruise will be remembered for what a fucking nut he was (and closet homosexual). On the upside, I can't think of a better way to scare people off of a religion than naming Tom Cruise it's model adherent. It'd be like Michael Vick being the spokesperson for a doggy day care facility. Tom Cruise is about as Christlike as the can of Coke on my desk. Only the can of Coke is more Christlike because it isn't a homophobic asshole.

R Kelly is seriously a genius

This is what R Kelly had to say in lieu of an introduction to chapters 13-22 of his epic song/miniseries, 'Trapped in the Closet':

"Don't nobody ask me no questions I don't know how to explain how I wrote it. I'm tired of people asking me that because I can not explain this. I can explain any other song but I cant explain 'Trapped In The Closet'."

He also had this to say:

"It's an alien, People ask me why is it an alien and I say it's come down to show us new genres and new ways to produce movies, magic, song and dialogue which have all been put together, and has never been done as far as I'm concerned. I call that alien. And people ask me when 'Trapped In The Closet' is going to end and I say when the aliens decide to leave."

If you don't see why that's genius then I don't have anything to say to you. It can't be explained to a simpleton. You just have to accept that R Kelly is smarter, richer, and better looking than you. And that he has aliens telling him what to do. Shit, I don't know why, but I believe him.
Here's a preview of the explosiveness that is Chapters 13-22. Eat it up:

Heidi Montag is a professional singer

Well, looks like the joke's on us because Heidi Montag actually recorded an album and debuted her song "Body Language" on Ryan Seacrest's radio show yesterday. I don't know quite how to describe it. Kind of like the worst music you've ever heard mixed with the sound of babies being raped. And if you thought there could be no sound worse than that, you were wrong, because Spencer Pratt raps on the track. Embarrassing doesn't even begin to describe it--it kind of makes me want to die.

If this thing ends up in the top 40 I'm going on a hunger strike until someone kills them and dumps their bodies in the ocean. Or better yet, some kind of swamp.

You can listen to the track below. But listen at your own peril. I warned you.

The people at Allure are too nice

Britney's Allure cover hit newsstands, and boy is it euphemistic. Apparently they brought out the big guns to airbrush her into an approximation of her former, hotter self. It's kind of sad though, because everyone knows she doesn't look like that anymore. It would be like if they made a picture of Jon Lovitz into Angelina Jolie. No one can deny it's a feat of technical genius, but no one's fooled either. Seriously though, whoever made her look that hot probably deserves a Nobel Peace Prize or something.

The Black Eyed Peas are weird.

The Black Eyed Peas are in Seoul, South Korea today for some unknown reason. I just wanted to post these pictures of all of them looking really really lame. Remember when they used to not suck? Before Fergie and before the Dr. Pepper commercials...ah, those were the good old days.

WTF???

This is a still from Matthew Vaughn's new movie "Stardust." And Matthew Vaughn must be a 13-year-old boy who stays locked in his room all day playing Halo and writing 'screenplays' because the other kids make fun of him and he has no friends. It's the only reasonable explanation why Michelle Pfeiffer would be driving a goat cart.

Britney Spears sucks at driving

In the endless downward spiral that is Britney's life, it seems the girl just can't get a break. It's sad really. Everyone is out to get her. Take this incident for example, where some thoughtless asshole clearly left his Mercedes station wagon in the way of Britney's convertible, causing her to run into it. Apparently, she got out to check for damage to her own car, then drove away.

I say this guy is lucky she didn't break all his windows with a baseball bat and take a shit on his hood. This is Britney we're talking about. She has about as much class as Tara Reid seven shots into a bottle of Tequila, naked and lying in a pool of her own vomit. Come to think of it, even that would be a tad bit classier than anything Britney is capable of. She's a fucking half-ape.

R Kelly is a genius

It's nuts. Just when you think he can't get any better, he goes and just fucks up your head with some crazy good shit. I thought there was no way he could top the masterpiece of songwriting that is "Trapped in the Closet." Boy, was I wrong. Behold, his latest:

As you can see, R Kelly obviously makes Richard Wright look like Damon Wayans. They should create an award for the coolest person in the whole universe, and R Kelly should win it every year until he dies. He should probably also get his own country. He could call it "R Kelly Land," where there are naked bitches everywhere and the rivers flow with Cristal and he can piss on all the underage face he wants to. I mean c'mon, after all he's given us, doesn't he deserve at least that much?

Nicole Richie proves me wrong...

God, I feel like such an ass. I mean, here I am throwing around accusations that Nicole is anorexic and it's not true! She's just really, really naturally thin. See? She's eating in the picture above. Which is proof that contrary to what I believed, she actually has eaten since 2003.

Apparently the pregnancy rumors are true as well. At least for now. I wouldn't be surprised if she "miscarries" sometime in the next month, in which case she's a fucking liar. Come to think of it, I probably don't trust her as far as I can throw her--which doesn't even really work in this case because I could probably pick her up in one hand and just chuck her the length of a football field.

Even Forrest Whitaker can't make me want to buy Gap clothing

If you haven't been into a Gap store lately, it's probably because the clothes are boring as hell. Seriously, how many versions of a beige v-neck t-shirt can one company make? But instead of diversifying, they've beefed up their advertising campaign to include just about every celebrity they could coerce into posing in mock-artistic shots designed to sell chinos. And the effect is....um...cool, but it doesn't change the fact that their clothes fucking suck. Walking into a Gap store is like wandering into Jennifer Aniston's closet, only with a lot more size 14s and even less color.

OK! article about Britney's 'breakdown' underwhelming and riddled with grammatical errors

The issue of OK! with the infamous Britney interview hit newsstands this week and boy is it lame. There isn't a single piece of information in it that we don't already know. And don't get me wrong, Britney is fucking nuts, but it does seem that the douchebags, er, I mean 'serious journalists' over at OK! have inflated the situation slightly to boost sales. I mean, show me one actress who doesn't stuff her face with fried chicken, wipe her hands on $6,000 dresses, let her dog poop everywhere, and then make off with nearly $20,000 in clothing. I mean, really, show me one actress. They all do that shit. They're fucking animals.

Additionally, the writers at OK! need to take sixth grade English again because they sound completely illiterate. It's almost like their editor gave up and didn't want to hear any more about Britney because he realized simultaneously that his life was a joke and that he could go blow himself up and no one would care. So he thought, "It's ok, they're college graduates, I'm sure they can write one simple article and obey the basic laws of syntax and grammatical structure..." The irony of course, being that he was wrong.

Wow, I am so glad I'm not one of Britney's progeny

Is it just me or does the shit really seem to be hitting the fan in Hollywood lately? Us Magazine and Life & Style both ran headlines this week from the faux point-of-view of Britney's sons. Which is a tad sensationalist, but otherwise incredibly funny. The cover of Us reads, "Soda in baby bottles, mommy's many men, nighttime cries for daddy's love..." God, it's like she's purposely grooming her children for a lifetime of drug and alcohol abuse that culminates in jail time and a tragic episode of E True Hollywood Story. Oh wait...that career trajectory sounds vaguely familiar...