Britney Spears used to be kind of hot

Anyone remember the "I'm a Slave 4 U" days? Because I do. Like they were yesterday. And while I certainly can't complain about the endless opportunity for snarky fodder her present mental condition now grants us, I will say it's a shame she doesn't look like this anymore:

That's all I'm gonna say. Get well soon Brit.

Fugly girl, pretty dress

I haven't talked about shit I want lately, and since I like to talk about shit I want, here's something I want:

No, not the painted whore in the picture, but that delicious yellow dress. I love yellow. I love the bodice. I love it with the shoes. I just love it.

I do not, however, love Paris Hilton. She was wearing this outside a taping of the Late Show with David Letterman. She was going back on the show to redeem herself for being a stupid whore the last time around, when she refused to talk about her jail time. God, didn't she understand that's the only reason people cared about her? 

And who the fuck gave her flowers? You do not give Paris Hilton flowers. You give her a TB test and a box of fucking condoms. At least you can attempt to stop the spread of whatever diseases she's carrying.

Major TV networks might be racist

I hate these "blind item" thingies because I never know if they're blind because we actually can't find out who they're about or because the writer is just keeping it from us to be a dick. Anyway, I came across this one this morning on Gatecrasher that I thought was interesting:

"Which reality-show clogged network had to change it's casting procedures after a racist internal policy was leaked? Producers had an informal ban on considering cast members who were 'too black.' They claimed it was because darker skin tones were hard to pick up on camera."

 Sounds like a perfectly reasonable policy for a perfectly reasonable, respectable industry that in no way exploits the individuals participating in it. Ha, who am I kidding? They probably have a policy against anyone with an IQ over 85 too because such individuals are reluctant to take their clothes off/perform intimate acts with strippers on camera.  They've figured out by now that the best reality show candidates are ignorant and self-involved--maybe with a side of Daddy Issues thrown in for good measure.  The only real dilemma the networks are presented with as a result of this policy is how to perpetuate racial stereotypes when they can't use black people. How can they portray the token angry black man they hold so dear to their programming? Or the emotionally unstable black ho/walking video vixen? Thank God they've got creative types working over there at MTV and VH1...I'm sure they'll think of something.

Britney is good for the economy

Portfolio Magazine (whuh?) claims that the "Britney Industrial Complex," is basically responsible for keeping our shitty economy afloat. Apparently, if you want your product to sell better, all you have to do is align it with the popwreck, and you'll rake in an average of 33% more revinue. 

Obviously, she's best for the tabloid mags, who milked an estimated $360 million off her ass this year, but she also benefits blogs, perfumes, Starbucks, gas stations, Rite Aid, and of course, Kevin Federline. So, next time you get a raise, a tax break, or find a dollar on the ground, thank Britney!

Not again...

Weezy was arrested again for drug posession. This mug shot isn't nearly as hot as his last one, though. He looks like someone just shoved their fist up his ass. Also, is it just me or is his neck getting bigger?

Apparently God hated this "sordid, tacky bucket of slime seasoned with vomit"

In a touching gesture, some crazies in Kansas have put out this press release celebrating the untimely death of Heath Ledger as an expression of God's Will and proof of their rightliness. God, it's people like this that put the "douche" in douchebag...the "ass" in asshole...Now someone get me a .22 and a fucking shovel.

Another one bites the dust

This is the last known photo of Heath Ledger. It was taken on Saturday, on the set of his new film, "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus" in London. And now he's dead. 

His parents spoke to the media in Perth, Australia this afternoon. His father said,

"He was found peacefully asleep in his New York apartment by his housekeeper. He was generous, kind-hearted, life-loving, unselfish individual (and) extremely inspirational to many."

How many more will fall?

Jerry O'Connell is: Tom Cruise

The best thing about Tom Cruise's Scientology video is it presents a tremendous opportunity for making fun of Tom Cruise. And Jerry O'Connell takes full advantage. I had no idea he was so fucking funny. 

I'm sorry but WTF is this?

The funeral of Brad RENFRO was held today in his home state of Tennessee. The 25-year-old actor was found dead in his apartment last week of an apparent drug overdose. He was the little kid in The Client, which was a film I was completely obsessed with at about age 11. I totally wanted to hit that. He was hot! Unfortunately, substance abuse and a receeding hairline were not kind to his boyish good-looks. But the real travesty here is that E! FUCKING NEWS spelled his fucking name wrong. I'm sorry, but is that a TV network they have over at E! or a Kindergarten class run by illiterate half-apes? God, get your fucking shit together. 

And as for you, Giuliana DiPandi (and I can't believe I know your name) you are a worthless, annoying piece of shit. She probably said "Redfro" too. Bitch probably never heard of him.

I hope Joel McHale is all over this shit on Friday's episode of The Soup. 

Burning up the screen (and making little girls' everywhere cream their panties) as Mark Sway in The Client.

In memory of MLK

"Segregation is the adultery of an illicit intercourse between injustice and immorality."

Hey, at least he's better than Taylor Hicks

All I can say is, this guy's co-workers must absolutely hate him, because he says he auditioned at their urging and he sings like a deaf person trying to do opera. There's no way they actually thought he was good enough to be on Idol.

And BTW, Simon totally got breast reduction surgery. Those hairy boobies are half their original size. I guess his new model GF doesn't like looking at a man's ape tits. Go figure.

Tom Cruise on: Tom Cruise, Homoeroticist

There's this fucking brilliant remixed video of his crazy Scientology rant. Unfortunately, I couldn't lift it, so you'll just have to go to Gawker to see it. Very funny.

In the words of (ugh) Perez Hilton, Welcome to the Gayborhood!

Turns out Adamo Ruggiero, the actor who plays Marco, "the gay kid" on Degrassi: The Next Generation (aka the best show ever) is gay in real life! Damn. Too bad. He was the cutest one, too. That show is awesome because all the characters are so authentically ugly. The "hot chick" actually has a pig-face and they never use concealer to cover up all of Spinner's zits. It's like real high school...only you know...it goes there.

Okay, enough is enough

For those of you who haven't seen the leaked Scientology videos going around with Tom Cruise, I suggest you do quickly, because their lawyers are ALL OVER that shit trying to get it taken off YouTube. In the meantime, enjoy this remixed clip of Tommy Girl in all his crazy glory. The weirdest part: it's not even as scary as the real thing.

Sherri Shepard is profoundly retarded

The View's resident mongoloid, Sherri Sheperd, has been giving us a goldmine of ig'nant shit lately. She insisted that Christianity predated the ancient Greeks and even Judaism, then said she "hadn't thought about" whether she believed the world was flat because she had more "important things to worry about" like "getting food on the table," to which Barbara Walters wryly said, "Can't you think about both?"

Evidently not. This woman lacks the intellectual curiosity even of George W. Bush. And bitch does not disappoint, because she did it again. Here's her latest:

"There is a picture of me with Shirley Caesar, who is like the black Patti LaBelle."

Someone, I think it was Barbara, had to then gently remind her that Patti LaBelle is, in fact black. I imagine then that her head exploded from the pressure of all that "thinking" and they had to scrape what was left of her off the floor.

Below, check out clips from The View of Sherri making a complete ass of herself. She does it well.

Just because...

Here's Soulja Boy doin' his thang (at a Wal Mart?) Whatever, he's still the only guy in there with teeth dipped in platinum and...uh...his name written on his sunglasses.

Wino is a hot piece

Here's Wino primping herself before she goes to visit Blake in jail. As you can see she's sporting the newest in crackhead couture--bleached blond hair held in place by a 'do-rag. She looks like the lady you see rifling through your trash in the morning, only instead of coke cans and bottles, she's looking for used needles. Recently, she imparted this wisdom to some reporter:

"Drinking long-term is a lot worse than doing heroin. Alcohol’s a real poison. I’m not a nice drunk. If I go to the gym and have a drink I’m lovely to be around. But if I haven’t been training or if there’s something bothering me, I’m a terrible drunk."

'Atta girl, Amy. It's all relative. Drink like a fish, just as long as you hit the treadmill after. Excercise cures all! I know because I fell down a flight of stairs once and cracked my head open, and instead of going to the hospital, I just got on the elliptical machine and voila! No more broken head! True story.

Seriously though, someone save Wino. Oh, and get me that orange nail polish while you're at it. I love that color.

Tommy Girl's wet dream comes true:

Will has denied being a Scientololoonie, but his close friendship/manlove with Tommy Girl Cruise speaks otherwise. And it looks like all the dick, er, ego stroking has finally paid off, because Will gave away vouchers for "personality tests" as gifts to crew members of his new film "Hancock" (hehe). This not only makes him a cheap bastard (those tests are free anyway) but probably made Tommy Girl gizz in his pants. He's totally tossing Will Smith's salad. These two are gayer than Zac Efron in fake lashes and full makeup.

Jessica Alba is annoying, a hypocrite

Jessica "Don't call me Latina" Alba is on a mission: to prove to the world just how much of an insufferable, whiny bitch she is. And she's doing a great job! Recently she told Elle Magazine:

"Contrary to how people may feel, I've never used my sexuality. That's not part of it for me."

Never used your sexuality for what? Changing a flat tire? Choosing a Presidential candidate? Because you sure as shit have used it to further your career. Here are some examples:










From now on I declare that any hot chicks who complain about how hard it is being hot should donate their faces to someone who would appreciate them--and then bury themselves at the bottom of a deep well. What can I say, I'm an idealist.

The triumphant return of Chris Crocker

Someone get this hot bitch his own reality show quickly, before he sucks too much dick and winds up with AIDS. He's a national treasure!

I Love New York is possibly the best show ever in the history of the universe

The reunion episode of I Love New York is the best part of the whole season. Think Jerry Springer but with even more racial stereotypes, acrylic nails, and spandex. 

The second season's iteration was spectacular on so many levels. VH1's blog has a great breakdown of the 10 best moments here. But really, my favorite part had to be when Mr. Wise, the token white dude, literally came out of the fucking sky and jumped Tailor Made. Seriously, the guy's like a fucking Sugar Glider. New York is probably mad she didn't sample his abilities in the sack. Oh, but what am I saying, you know she fucked every guy in that house. And a couple of the camera crew.

The episode was was so scripted, even New York and Sister Paterson couldn't keep from laughing. Especially when they were having a bitch-off against The Entertainer's mom. Gotta love that New Jersey Trash. She can make me spaghetti anytime. (Wait--that sounded sexual). Bitch still looks like she has a "beaver's ass" on her head though. And Sister Paterson still looks like a Klingon transvestite. Ah, some things never change.

Ig'nant Shit

Polow da Don has produced hits for practically every female pop star in the game, including Fergie, Gwen Stefani, and Ciara. He also calls himself the "King of White Women" because he likes to bed them or something. Allhiphop.com asked him to elaborate on this title, and here's what he had to say:

Just the “King of the White Girls.” I ain’t self proclaimed but I run with it. [Laughs] There was a stage in my life where I went crazy with dating white women. I have nothing against black women, but they’re raised differently. White women are raised to respect and serve their men. Black women are taught to question [their men]. Black women look at submission as being weak. White women look at submission as being a woman. And anyone who has a problem with this statement is ignorant. Just look at the divine order; it goes man, woman, child.

Oh my God, someone hook this douche up with Sherri Shepard quickly. They're made for each other.

True love

New York and her new fiancee Tailor Made partied it up in Miami for New Years and demonstrated their undeniable chemistry for the papz. You just know VH1 is madly scheming on how to break up these two. They're not done with their cash cow yet. At least not until people get sick of her tranny ass.

What kind of Godawful look is this?

Ugh, Posh is looking all alien again. And those breast implants appear to have grown back of their own accord. She looks like Little Edie Beale on meth.

Lindsay Lohan is classy

The Hohan has been in Capri being, I shit you not, honored for her contributions to the film industry. So of course she hammered the point home of just how important her "contributions" are by making out with a bunch of Italian guys and fucking this handsome devil. They started their night by hooking up at a club with a whole slew of papz to document the grizzly scene. I like how he's started to unzip his fly right there in front of God and everyone. With any other ho, there's no way behavior like this would fly, but this is Lindsay Lohan we're talking about. As long as it walks, breathes, and has a dick, she's all up in that shit.

Ooh, and BTW, I wouldn't let that thing within 9 feet of my vag. Check out his hairy-ass ape stomach. Gross.