Douche Face

Ugh, who started all those dumb rumors that John Mayer is God's fucking gift? He looks like he reeks of douche juice: that's a mixture of Axe body spray, B.O., and Nag Champa. Not sexy. I can't figure out why Jenny is following him around like a dickmatized cat in heat. Besides, I bet her hooha is dried up like a chapped foreskin. There is no way Johnny's magic stick can fix that problem.

The Good Old Days

Britney flashed her hairy chocha this weekend to a crowd of delighted paps, which almost made me think that it was 2006, and everything that's happened in the past two years was just a really long, really awful dream. At least this is the surest sign that Britney is on her way to health. When Brit Brit is flashing her fur burger, all is right with the world.

Another sign she's getting back to normal: she got her first overnight visit with her sons that she's had since January, when she went batshit crazy. And no one died! I gotta say, after all that's happened to the poor lamb, I'm actually rooting for her at this point. She'll be dry-humping a male backup dancer at the VMAs in no time.

Ladyboner

Yep, that's what you're gonna get as soon as you see Verne Troyer's new sex tape. I have to admit I'm a midget-porn virgin, but I can't wait for Mini Me to pop my cherry. He's a hot little bitch. Remember when he was on the Surreal Life and he got drunk and peed in the house? That was funny.

I have no idea who the Ho is, but she's full-sized, so in addition to the wildly erotic sight of a midget with a boner, you'll get the pleasure of seeing a midget trying to hump a chick that's twice his size. I wonder what he's working with...

Manscaping

This is old news, but I'm a lazy whore and didn't get around to writing about it until now, so here it goes. Diddy waxes his balls. Or, to be more exact, he has some poor Vietnamese woman wax them for him. He's been blabbing to the media about it. Here's what he said:

"I'll have a manicure and a pedicure--and yes, I wax as well. Men owe it to women to make sure they are well-groomed."

Props on taming the jungle down there, but I call bullshit on the "doing it for women" thing. I think he just likes to watch his hairless balls bounce up and down on a big fat ass. You know he's got mirrors everywhere. He probably dips his balls in that "Unforgivable" shit too. Ugh, hairless, perfumed balls. Balls balls balls. Balls.

Balls.

Lil' Wayne is Richer than You

In an era where artists can't even give their albums away, Lil' Wayne did the seemingly impossible: he sold over 1 million copies of Tha Carter III in its debut week. Proving once again that cough syrup, an addition to weed and painkillers, and a rap sheet longer than Tyra Banks' forehead is a recipe for success! 

A Meeting of Two Great Minds

Latarian Milton, the 7 year-old who stole his gradma's car so he could do "hood rat stuff" (best quote ever), and was put under mental evaluation after beating up his grandma in a Wal-Mart when she refused to buy him chicken wings (ugh, why did it have to be chicken wings?) is going to appear before the Honorable Judge Judy. Okay, it's actually his mommy and grandma who will appear before JJ because his grandmother didn't appreciate having her car wrecked. She blames Latarian's mother for the incident and she's suing her for $5,000. 

Hopefully Latarian will take the stand to defend his actions. I want to know what kind of "hood rat stuff" he was up to. Are we talking playing Poo Dollar or are we talking running an underground prostitution ring? Seriously though, this kid is straight off an episode of The Wire. He's going to give Judge Judy some sass and she's going to use her superhuman powers of Awesome to subdue him. But will his Awesome overpower hers? Will the universe implode from the sheer pressure of the meeting of these two great minds? I'm so excited I could poop myself!

Denise Richards: It's Complicated

I've just subjected myself to a half an hour of Denise Richards: It's Complicated, and surprisingly I don't want to run my head over with a dump truck. Maybe it's because Denise has a love-affair with one of my favorite words of all time: "cunt." It's just a really good, fun thing to say. And Denise obviously agrees with me. 

In just this one episode, she called a magazine editor a "fucking cunt," dropped the F-bomb about seventy one times, AND informed us that a pig's penis is shaped like a corkscrew! Now that's what I call educational entertainment value. This bitch is a vapid slutwhore, but at least she's a vapid slutwhore who also swears like a drunken sailor. It makes all her narcissism a little easier to swallow.

Catfight!

Insiders at the Playboy mansion say that Hef's main ho, Holly, is totally feuding with his other girlfriend Kendra. Which really shatters my vision of the Girls Next Door as a harmonious, fully-functioning family unit. Apparently Holly is a raging bitch, and no one in the Mansion can stand her ass. She walks around like she owns the shit just because she gets to spend the most nights nursing Hef's dingle berries. And producers of the show are beginning to have a hard time shooting scenes where Holly and Kendra aren't at each other's throats. Poor Bridget is just trying to keep the peace. She needs to get Gizzy to mediate that shit. That cat can out-bitch anybody. 

But seriously, save The Girls Next Door! We can't let their petty catfights ruin one of my favorite ways to waste an hour of my life and shrink my brain. That's a God-given right.

Mini me

Holy fucking hell, Tom Cruise is small. I mean, I know he's small, but then I see pictures like this where it looks like he's been photoshopped in and I think "Holy hell this guy is literally 4'3"." Clearly, he forgot to wear his lifts, and Katie was misprogrammed to have a free will that day so she wore heels. You know Tommy Girl was pissed. He probably stamped his little elfin feet and cried bitter alien tears. Aww, when he gets like that you just need to give him a shot of Barley water and a picture of a naked dude with Will Smith's head taped to it. Works every time.

Two douches tour a douche factory

I can't think of a more appropriate place to find Horse-Face and Pube Beard than at an Ed Hardy factory. They pretty much personify the look that brand is going for: plastic, tranny hot mess. With skull rhinestones. I'd rather skin dead babies and sew sweaters out of them than have to wear this ugly shit.

Anyway, you know what this means...Speidi is getting their own clothing line: Speidi for Ed Hardy. I can see it now. At least this way it will tag all the douches for easy identification when the terrorists come a-knockin'. They can be our sacrificial lambs. They won't mind. The kind of ass tards that wear Ed Hardy believe in God anyway. They believe they'll ascend to a heaven where club music plays nonstop and they can rub their genitals on Ferraris all day. Everybody wins.

Breaking news: Heidi Montag with no makeup doesn't actually make me want to kill myself

I had expected surgery scars, bukakke residue, and even flesh-colored facial hair on Heidi Montag sans makeup. But she actually looks...decent. Like, partly human. She should consider wiping off some of the whore paint more often.

The Hogan family needs wolverines thrown at their heads

Hulk Hogan went on Larry King last night to illustrate just why his son is such an insufferable ass clown. He basically told King that "things happen for a reason," and that the whole experience will "make John a better person." John is the kid who remains in a vegitative state after his son, Nick, slammed his douchemobile into a tree while drag racing. So basically he's a shitty father who raised a shitty son whose poor fucking judgement actually put an active duty Marine in an irreversible coma from which he will never awaken. But it's all okay because being in a coma makes John a better person.

If there is a God, he will strike this whole family from the face of the earth. Amen.

Gayken is going to be a daddy

Clay Gayken (looking like a well-fed lesbian, above) sperminated his 50-year-old BFF/fag hag via IVF. Duh, of course they used IVF. He probably screams like Ned Flanders at the mere suggestion of sex with a female. If you want to scare the living bejeezus out of Gayken, just show him a labia.  A spokeswhore said:

"The story is true...Clay is the father. She was artificially inseminated by Clay. She's due in August." 

And they already froze Gayken's splooge so she can poop out another Clayspawn in the next year or so. You know he's totally going to offer to carry the next fetus. Mostly because it will give him an excuse to fart a lot and get a couple of fingers shoved up his no-no hole (for the constipation!). Oh, and then he can be on Oprah like the other pregnant dude. You know bitch looooves him some Oprah.

Can't. Move. Forehead.

Rachel Zoe is creased like a fucking raisin. At least, she was. I guess now that Nicole Kidman is prego and can't monopolize the world's supply of botox, old Rach has managed to cop a little bit for herself. And the effect is--um, plaster-like? 

You could shove a fist up this chick's ass and her face still wouldn't be able to register surprise. Ahh, the wonders of neurotoxins.

Wonk Eye pt. 5 million

Candy Spelling has some serious wonk-eye. I think her lower eyelid might be paralyzed after too many monkey collagen injections. Paris Hilton, welcome to your life in 20 years...

Meerkat Manor: The Next Generation

I don't think it's a coincidence that my other favorite show of all time is also "The Next Generation" (Degrassi, duh). The next generation takes what the first generation started and sexes it up.  Thus The Next Generation of Meerkat Manor is going to be filled with even more anthropomorphizing, raw drama, and tragic, often touching displays of courage. Must. Watch.

ps

WTF?! I just watched a clip and the matriarch's name this season is Maybelline. Maybelline? Are you fucking serious? What kind of a tranny name is that?! There's no way this slut is going to be able to handle her shit like Flower could. RIP Flower. And yes, I know I need a life.

A Horse and a Douche making out

Speidi posed for some more "candid" photos while being lazy whores in Mexico over the weekend. Every time I see these two I want to aim a nuclear missle at their faces. Heidi's boobs could survive a nuclear holocaust though, so I'd probably have to set them on fire for good measure. Not that I've thought about it or anything.

Spencer is totally trying to suck in a gassy stomach. He probably needs to fart. 

STFU already!!

Nick Hogan has a poopy diaper because he's locked up in a minimum security prison and he wants his mommy. Remember, this dumb bitch is locked up because of a drag racing accident that left his passenger John Graziano in a permanent vegitative state. Hogan's lawyer is trying to get him house arrest until his 18th birthday. Fuck that. If this ass clown thinks he's tough enough to drive his car like an asshole and then brag about it to anyone who will listen, he should be man enough to take a full dick up the ass.