RIP Teddy

The cute little guy on the right is Theodore O'Connor, the first pony in history to compete at the Pan Am games, where he led the US Eventing Team to a gold medal. He was slated to represent the US at the 2008 Olympic games in Beijing with his rider, Karen O'Connor. Unfortunately, he died in a tragic accident at his home barn on Thursday, May 29.

Teddy, who was 1/4 Thoroughbred, 1/8 Arabian, and 1/8 Shetland pony, stood at only 14.2 hands--that's practically a midget compared to his 16+ hand competitors. But, rider O'Connor says, "The first time I saw him jump, I was stunned by his athletic ability and scope for his size. I mean, you were in the presence of something that is at the very 1 percent of the class or less."

RIP Teddy. Sadness.

Manbabies

Just because:

GET MORE AT ManBabies.com!

RIP Kim's old face

A moment of silence, please, for the Kim that was:

Let us take a moment to remember that in spite of her knifed up appearance, she is still, essentially, the kind of woman who will rap about this:

"I used to be scared of the dick
Now I throw lips into the shit
Handle it like a real bitch..."

And for that, I love her.

Hilarity

I cannot believe I haven't seen Rosie O'Donnell's Oscar-worthy portrayal of a mentally challenged fat chick in Riding the Bus with My Sister. Now that looks like a good movie. Although I'm pretty sure it's offensive to retarded people. Which means it is also hilarious.

Happy Birthday, Slut!

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt turns 2 today, and she's hoping that means Angie Jo will finally let her live in the house with the rest of the beautiful brown-skinned children. Shiloh probably has her very own slave quarters where she's fed dog's milk and forced to wait on Zahara hand and foot. And you just know Zahara is a demanding bitch!

The bottom line: Angie only wants brown babies to come out of her hooha, and she doesn't take kindly to these milky white ones that keep popping out. I feel sorry for the unborn twins.

Fug

Brooke is so stoned in this picture, it's painful to look at. She probably needs a bottle of Gatorade and a nap. Smoking a personal blunt will do that to you. Bitch should have packed a bowl instead.

Also, this is why females shouldn't wear grills.

Lindsay is tappin' that

God, I apologize for the overabundance of Hohan related posts. It's almost a sickness I have. But then again, if the Lohan family weren't all such spectacular cunt-whore-douches, I wouldn't have as much to say about them.

Anyhoo, Lindsay and Samantha Ronson are 'out' of the closet about their supposed romance. They partied on Diddy's yacht yesterday and were all over each other. Photogs caught pictures of them kissing, holding hands, and generally undressing each other with their eyes. Do I think Lindsay is a lesbian? No. She's just a plain and simple whore. Lindsay just wants someone to bury their face in her clammy crevice at the end of the day. As long as that happens, she's all good.

I can't wait to hear what White Oprah has to say about this. Oh, lemme guess: "Lindsay is fine. She's amazing. She's in a really good place right now."

Dumb Skanks

White Oprah and her cash bitch Ali were on Showbiz Tonight whoring themselves out for their hot tranny mess of a reality show, Living La Vida Lohan. And in response to perfectly reasonable questions about how W.O. plans to avoid turning her youngest daughter into a more dysfunctional carbon copy of her older sister, W.O. got all this hot air up her ass and couldn't understand what the problem was, because Lindsay is "successful." For a fame-slut like W.O., any publicity is good publicity. Whether Ali gets onto the front page of Us Weekly for starring in her own Disney Channel show or giving R. Kelly head in the back of an alley is ultimately irrelevant. Success in the Lohan household is measured in terms of quantifiable press coverage.

Check out the video here. You know that if you get schooled by a Showbiz Tonight reporter who probably couldn't argue his way out of a wet paper bag, you really are a dumb skank ho.

These must be from Wonky's shoe line

Well it's that time of the year to shop for new stripper shoes again. My old ones have collected their fair share of bukkake stains, so I need to fork over money for a new pair. Luckily, some genius invented the stripper shoes you see above with a built-in tip jar. No more fumbling around for dollar bills. No more of those nasty pervs sticking a finger in your asshole when they reach over to tuck bills into your thong! This will revolutionize stripping as we know it. And at only $47.99, I can afford to get them in "bitch black" and "creamy cum white." I love America!

Adam Brock: redefining cool since 2008

I sound like a broken record, but The Paper is a really, really, really, really good fucking show. And Adam Brock (pictured above doing some 'sweet dance moves' with his teacher, Ms. Weiss, and the protagonist, editor-in-chief Amanda) is so my favorite. He's the kind of guy who says "OMG, this is like West Side Story" when the newspaper staff erupts into warring factions. He's gayer than Tom Cruise's ladyboner over Will Smith, but he's totally the friend you wish you had in high school. Someone catty and self-assured who goes to see High School Musical on Ice but is still friends with the jocks. 

On the latest episode, he gets voted Homecoming King after exhaustively campaigning for the role against some uberjock. And he says he wants to win because he wants to "redefine cool" and show that even a pretty much openly gay dude whose preferred mode of communication involves screaming, crying, and numerous pop culture references, can be prom king. So suck it.

OMG nails!

Brooke Hogan is probably a man. And by probably I mean she is definitely, with 100% certainty, in possession of a Y chromosome. I mean, her appearance speaks for itself:


If that's not a hot tranny mess, then I don't know a hot tranny mess when I see one. And I'm a consummate professional at identifying hot tranny messes. On a side note, I am totally in love with her ho-tastic nails. The last time I saw fakies that long I was watching Sargent Caroline Mason on the First 48. She's a hot bitch. Here's a clip of her being cooler than you:

This ain't right

Disney just came out with a noose necklace as part of their Pirates "Dead Man's Chest" collection. Which is uh, interesting. In a let's-glorify-the-kkk-and-tell-kids-to-buy-our-shit kinda way. All Miley did was show a little back! WTF is up with this ish?!?!

Huh?

Lil' Wayne told Blender Magazine:

"The world is about to end in 2012… ’cause the Mayans made calendars, and they stop at 2012. I got encyclopedias on the bus. The world is about to end as we know it. You can see it already. A planet doesn't exist - there's no more Pluto. Planes are flying into buildings - and not just the Twin Towers. Mosquitos bite you and you die. And a black man and a woman are running for president."

Think he was sippin' on that syzzurp? Or is he just plain 'ol crazy?

I can't rationally explain it...

But I love this kid. Maybe it's because of his nefarious reputation as a crazy motherfucker who will do and say anything (see below). Maybe it's because his delusions of grandeur are somehow endearing and hilarious at the same time. Maybe it's the fact that he has "Fear" and "God" tattooed on his eyelids. And when he says shit like this, I love him even more:

"I don’t do too many (drugs). I just smoke weed and drink. But I’ll never fuck with no more coke. It’s not about the bad high, it’s just about the acne. Cocaine makes your face break out. I’m a pretty boy."

I mean hey, whatever works, right? Now if only that Syrup would cause some kind of unsightly skin condition, maybe he'd back off that shit too.

Post Mortem: The Hills Season 3

If you like awkward silences, watching rich bitches eat and shop at places you could never afford, and vapid social discourse, you will LOVE the season finale of The Hills! Of course I loved it, but I'm a masochist. I get off on watching six hour marathons of Intervention. It's not normal.

I've also decided The Hills isn't quite as fake as Heidi's face. Yes, 90% of the drama is carefully orchestrated by people who can't bother to ensure continuity, but this show is way too fucking boring NOT to be partly real.

On a side note, you know what is as fake as Heidi's face? Heidi's face. Just look at her before (season 1):

And now (season 3):


I mean shit, she practically got her chin removed--that reminds me, she should give the name of her surgeon to Rumer (Mrs. Potatohead) Willis. That girl could DEFINITELY benefit from a chin-reduction.

I just made a revelation

First off, the Wire gives me a ladyboner. I've basically spent every weekend of the past two months with my ass parked on the couch watching that shit. Sometimes I forget to eat, bathe, and smoke weed. It's that riveting.

And I just realized that the most badass character on the show--the homo-gangsta Omar (played by hot slut Michael Kenneth Williams) was in the best music video of all time: R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet. It's a little like finding out bacon wrapped hot dogs can cure cancer. I think my head just exploded.

Here's part 7 of the epic journey that is Trapped in the Closet. He's the cop. Just watch.

Brit Brit + K-Fed + phone sex = I want to stick my head in an oven

I almost upchucked last night's burrito when I read that Britney and K-Fed are rekindling their romance with late-night phone sex sessions. Fucking gross. Brit Brit probably sounds like a beluga whale drowning in a tub of cheeto lard--"ahhhgggrr, maahhhhh, ookie ookie baby..." 

Next thing you know, he'll be licking Frapp out of her clammy crevices. 

Chrissy Crocker is looking hotter with each passing day

Chrissy's horse face is totally starting to grow on me. I want him to get his own guest spot on The Hills playing Heidi's long-lost sister...What am I saying? His natural ability and talent cannot be contained in a half hour of meaningful glances and awkward silences. He should totally be a Rock of Love ho. You know he'd set the bar by being the first slut to take his shirt off and let Bret stick it in the poop shoot.

My newest obsession

The hot bitch on the right is Bill Kaulitz, lead singer of a band called Tokio Hotel. And yes, it is a he. Or so I have been thoroughly assured. But who knows. I can totally imagine him with a vagina.  You know his pubes are hairsprayed and flatironed with frosted tips. 

Oh, and his twin brother totally looks like a 'futch' lesbian--half femme, half butch. That's ok though, I'd do him anyway. Don't hate, you know you would too. 

Virgin Kim

A knifed up Lil' Kim sat for a shoot with the incomparable, somewhat incomprehensible David LaChapelle. I guess she's supposed to be the Virgin Mary, and it's a promo for something. What I want to know is how they made her face look vaguely human-esque. Coz bitch is one procedure away from La Toya Jackson status.

Separated at Birth?

It just occurred to me that that Joey, hot douche from The Real World Hollywood looks a lot like David Cross, the comedian/cast member of the best show ever, Arrested Development. Weird.

Hot bitch

There are currently no words in the english language that can encompass the breadth of Joey's douchiness. But he's by far my favorite character on The Real World Hollywierd. Basically because I have spent literally hours studying the fine work of art that is Joey's hair, and I can truly say it fascinates me to the point of obsession--It's like a faux-hawk, but then he takes the hair at his temples and just gels that shit forward, so he's got like, spikes framing his face. He obviously uses more hair product than the entire state of New Jersey, but look at it:

God, have you ever seen something more structurally impressive? The way it stands up like a hedgehog...Okay, enough. If I don't stop typing this I'll cream my panties.

Hehe, Sarah's face says it all. That's totally the look you would give this guy if he tried to approach you at a club: "Uhh, no thanks. I have a boyfriend. No, I don't want any ecstasy...really, it's ok. Just leave. No, seriously turn your ass around and get the fuck away from me..." etc., etc.

Twenty bucks says this guy is going to end up in gay porn. He totally has gayface. Or maybe it's just doucheface...no, I shouldn't even get those confused. He just so happens to have gayface of the douchey variety.

Cojo is scaring me

This is the stuff nightmares are made of. I think I had a bad dream last night that Cojo was trying to inject my face with monkey collagen. Don't ask me, I don't know what it is either, but I'll bet you he uses it to get his sculpted cheekbones. Seriously though, is he dying of lupus? Is the CDC aware of his condition? Someone do something.

Lindsay isn't laughing--but I am

The American Beverage Institute (aka the people that hire lobbyists in Washington to make sure we have the right to drink ourselves to death) took out a full page ad in USA Today attacking people who want Ignition interlocks (a breathalyzer) installed in every car in America. And they used Hohan's face to make their point. Which she doesn't like very much. Her lawyer is already working overtime. He released this statement:

"USA TODAY is idiotic for running such an irresponsible advertisement, suggesting that drinking and driving is some kind of American "tradition" we should protect. Not identifying that this ad was paid for by the liquor industry is profoundly reckless.

Drunk, old, white businessmen, drunk cougars out for girls night out, and drunkwedding parties should be kept off the roads of America. Lindsay Lohan fully endorses ignition interlock devices that have been well-proven to save lives."

Uhh, is that a statement? Seriously? Whoa, I respect this guy. He obviously smokes mad blunts in the morning before work and then comes up with awesome shit like this. But whatever. First of all, it's USA Today, and luckily the drunk sluts that read that paper won't hold it against Linds if she likes to knock back a few every now and then. And second of all, this is hilarious shit. Hohan should just be glad that her used-up hooker face is still relevant in some contexts. Like encouraging drinking and driving. Wheeeee!!!