In what can only be considered the most awesomest news ever, there are currently gangs of people going on emo-beating rampages across Mexico. The whole mess is believed to have been started by Mexican T.V. personality Kristoff, who went on a profanity-laced tirade against emos, calling them "pubescent girls who fancied the lead singers of bands."

It's a hopelessly flawed approach to eradicating the movement though. All they're going to succeed in doing is inspire more self-indulgent poetry and music. If they really wanted to get these kids where it hurts, they'd slip antidepressants into the water. It's really hard to listen to Fall Out Boy when you're not on the verge of suicide. Trust me.

For more info, check out the Time Magazine article here.

Paris Hilton can't dance

Paris is in Turkey following her dumb whore of a boyfriend around on his tour. And she stopped by to judge a Miss Turkey contest, where a belly dancer brought her on stage and attempted to teach her to dance sexy. As you can imagine, it was a spectacular failure. Paris dances like a goat that's just been castrated and then spun around in circles until it's really really dizzy. And even that image is more sexy than it should be. Just watch.

Noooo!

Back in October I posted about T.I. getting in deep doo doo for trying to buy automatic rifles and silencers. I proclaimed his innocence based on the fact that he's really really good-looking. However, it turns out the court of law does not agree with me. Bastards!

According to an insider, T.I. is going to plead guilty on all counts, and will likely spend 1 year in jail and have to do 1,500 hours of community service. Which by my calculations means he'll be picking up trash on the side of the road in an orange vest when he's 90. Bummer.

The good news is that in spite of everything, he remains really really spectacularly good-looking.

The Hills returns--in fine form

The Hills returned Monday night, and it was filled with all the fake drama, awkward silences, and monumentally vapid social discourse we've come to expect! If you have to ask what happened, you obviously aren't very familiar with the show. Nothing ever really happens. That's the whole point. It's like a dumbed-down version of Seinfeld for gentiles.

For me, the most exciting part was seeing scenes from upcoming episodes that showed the return of Justin Bobby. I thought he left because he couldn't handle the cameras. Oh well, the important thing is that he's back and he didn't cut his hair. I can't wait until he says something awesome like, "Your friends don't fathom me..." and then burps in Audrina's face.

I now have something to live for besides watching The Wire on DVD.

Grease Monkey

Squinty's face looks like she tried to moisturize with leftover biscuit grease from Popeye's. I don't know if this is from some kind of microdermabrasion or Vaseline, but I daresay a little powder on the t-zone works miracles. Or in her case...an entire bottle of baby powder.

Happy (Belated) Easter

Better late than never. I'm a Jew, so I don't give a shit anyway. I just wanted an excuse to post another creepy holiday photo-op with G.W. Look! He loves bunnies!

Wonky McWonk debuts shoe line

Paris debuted her cheap-ass shoe collection today, and naturally, all the styles look like they aren't even fit for a $5 hooker. 

My personal favorite is the 'Icon' sandal because it looks like it came from the Tranny bin at Payless. I would rather strap flaming turds to my feet than have to wear those things in public.  

"What the fuck is a Barack?"

DMX gave an interview with XXL Magazine in which he basically revealed he's the biggest fucktard in the universe. Here's an excerpt:

Are you following the presidential race?
Not at all.

You’re not? You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.
His name is Barack?!

Barack Obama, yeah.
Barack?!

Barack.
What the fuck is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?

Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
Barack Obama?

Yeah.
What the fuck?! That ain’t no fuckin’ name, yo. That ain’t that nigga’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the fuck outta here.

You’re telling me you haven’t heard about him before.
I ain’t really paying much attention.

I mean, it’s pretty big if a Black…
Wow, Barack! The nigga’s name is Barack. Barack? Nigga named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this nigga when I see him, “Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit” [laughs] “That ain’t your fuckin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.

So you’re not following the race. You can’t vote right?
Nope.

Is that why you’re not following it?
No, because it’s just—it doesn’t matter. They’re gonna do what they’re gonna do. It doesn’t really make a difference. These are the last years.

But it would be pretty big if we had a first Black president. That would be huge.
I mean, I guess…. What, they gon’ give a dog a bone? There you go. Ooh, we have a Black president now. They should’ve done that shit a long time ago, we wouldn’t be in the fuckin’ position we in now. With world war coming up right now. They done fucked this shit up then give it to the Black people, “Here you take it. Take my mess.”

The only way this interview could have sounded any more ignorant would be if he also revealed he thought the Holocaust never happened, "Orientals" shouldn't be allowed to drive, and that women shouldn't vote. What the fuck is wrong with people?

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap...

If Lindsay Lohan is wondering why the fuck she's so broke, maybe it's because she spent $70,000 last year on fake tanning. She probably goes to those fancy salons where a technician spray-paints abs and cheekbones on you. Even so, by my calculations, that would mean she probably got that shit done an average of three times a day. And because she looks like, well, this, she probably also went to a salon that employed blind crackheads to do the spray tanning. They probably like inhaling the DHA fumes! You can get high off of that shit!

Hohan better start selling those leggings quick. Because at this rate, she'll bleed out before she even has a chance to tan her way through the year.

What's Gayer than Gay?

Gawker just unearthed footage of a birthday bash the Church of Scientology threw for Tommy Girl Cruise in 2004. There's just so much gay here, I don't know where to begin. He's singing and reenacting dance moves from Risky Business, for Chrissake. The only way it could possibly be gayer is if David Miscavage* jumped out of a giant cake wearing pasties and a thong wielding a huge, black dildo for Tommy Girl's ass. What am I saying, that probably happened later.

*Btw, David Miscavage is the guy in the white t-shirt sitting next to Cruise. He's the head of the Cult of Scientology. And a total douche.

A supremely bad idea

You gotta hand it to the Lohans--they're the hardest working asstards in show business. While Dina is working on turning her youngest daughter into a used-up cokewhore like her older sister, Michael "Daddy Lohan" is working on his own project. And it's...wait for it....an all-male version of The View with....wait for it...Stephen Baldwin.

Ugh, I can just imagine how this would play out. The only thing worse than the sound of Elizabeth Hasselbeck trying to outscream Whoopi Goldberg is a couple of born-again holier-than-thou douchebags who love the sound of their own voices. Seriously, Stephen Baldwin is a dumb twat. Did anyone else notice how much he flared his nostrils on Celebrity Rehab when he lectured people? I hate nostril-flarers.

I wonder if Michael's nostrils flare when he gets self-righteous. They could have a nostril flare-off and then try and stick each other's dicks in the holes. Because you know that's what they really want to do anyway.

Tracey Ullman is one hilarious bitch

Props for making fun of Renee Zellweger. As you know, I have been making fun of her fug face for awhile now, so I consider myself kind of a trailblazer. But Tracey just has that lemon-pucker face down pat. All she needs now is a strapless Carolina Herrera frock and a workout addiction. No one will be able to tell the difference.

So not fetch

Vanessa: stop taking five-season-old fashion tips from Sienna Miller. That bitch does NOT need to be encouraged to think she's having any impact whatsoever on the fashion landscape. The only landscape she's making a difference in is the bush of whatever slimy rocker manskank she's opening her legs for this week.

Yeah, its the ankle straps fastened over the jeans that I take issue with. I think it was last year that Sienna tried to make this shit catch on. It never did, except, apparently, with the impressionable young High School Musical stars. Like Regina George from Mean Girls would say, "Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It's not going to happen!"

Here's a pic Sluttiena trying to make fetch happen:

Hot Tranny

This stunning creature is the lead singer of a German band called Tokyo Hotel. For some reason, all the teenagers are totally shitting themselves over him right now, and I can see why. For one thing, that hair is spec-fucking-tacular. Bitch probably uses enough hairspray to singularly burn a mile-wide hole in the ozone layer.

The look I think he's going for is post-op tranny who shops at Hot Topic and moonlights as a stripper named "Jennifer Moonthighs." Those Germans really like their femme boys. Tommy Girl should move there. He'd be in heaven.

The famous ass is revealed

Kim Kardashian (who is famous for two things: having a sex tape and a big ass) is in The Dominican Republic being lazy and rich with her hot bitch of a boyfriend, Reggie Bush. And photographers there finally caught a glimpse of her fabled backside.

Now, the question: is it real? She's vehemently denied getting ass implants, but people weren't so sure they believed her becuase she's a dumb skank and dumb skanks do things like get butt implants and then lie about it.

Think her junk is real? Discuss.

Victoria Beckham shows her son the pink taco

I couldn't resist writing that headline, but it's true. She took her son Cruz to celebrate his 9th Bday at some place that's actually called the Pink Taco and actually isn't a strip club. Really.

The best part might be that he went as Batman.

Paris' Shaman/Life is a Scam

In her ongoing quest for cultural relevancy, Paris had paps gather 'round to photograph her being 'blessed' by a 'shaman' this weekend. And big surprise, turns out the guy is a phony. He's an actor with a MySpace page, and he's been in Pirates of the Caribbean. There's a pic of him with Johnny Depp as proof. I would think he gets a little typecast with that skank beard though. If he shaves it off and takes a shower, he'd at least have a shot at getting different roles, like bad guy #3, or bystander #13. As he is, he'd better pray to God for a Pirates 4.