This is a load of shit

That old ho John McCain is trying to sully Obama's reputation by comparing him to skanks like Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. All on the basis that he's reached a celebrity-like status. Ok look, just because he's smarter, more charismatic, better looking, and younger than McCain's ancient ass doesn't make him anything like Brit Brit Spears or Parasite Hilton. In order to be like them he'd have to start sleeping with half of Hollywood, spreading venereal diseases, showing papz his meat curtains, talking in a fake British accent, and living on a diet of Fraps and Cheetos. As far as I'm aware, he's not doing any of that.

Sorry McCain, you lose. And you're old.

Douche Bag

Finally, a definitive guide to identifying and singling out douche bags. It's pretty comprehensive, but they forgot to mention a douche bag bathes in Axe body spray and is more likely than not to be from certain parts of New York, New Jersey, Orange County, Miami, and San Diego. Unfortunately, they are definitely not isolated to those areas. If you ever come into contact with a particularly obnoxious douche, just tell him you saw a chick checking him out who looks like Amy Smart. Douches love Amy Smart.

Separated at Birth--haha

The cat has the squint down perfectly.

A Hooker was almost run over by a bike

Hohan was out with her hot bitch of a girlfriend this weekend when she was struck by a motorcycle outside of a nightclub. He may have just "sideswiped" her, but I have this delicious picture of her freckled, fire-crotched ass flying across the street and landing in a pile of steaming poo, so I'd like to think it was a little more spectacular than just getting 'nudged' out of the way.

Of course, Michael Lohan was sure to cancel all his church-related activities that day so he could field calls from reporters and tell them that she's doing "fine." He said, "She's not hurt. That's all I really care about." Ohh, stab at White Oprah! Expect a counter-statement from her in 5,4,3,2....

Sherri Sheperd is Profoundly Retarded, part II

This holier-than-thou bible-thumping illiterate half-ape has said some pretty retarded things in the past. She thinks the earth is flat, Christianity predated Judaism, and Shirley Ceasar is the black Patti LaBelle. Nuff said. But now bitch has opened her fat mouth again and revealed that not only is she a hate-mongering narrow-minded cow, she's a hypocritical hate-mongering narrow-minded cow. Go figure!

She recently told a Christian women's magazine: "I've had more abortions than I'd like to count." Apparently she used to be a Jehovah's Witness and a crackwhore, but Christianity changed all that. She said, "I ask the lord, 'why am I here?' I have to trust God when he says 'Because I said so.'" 

She also has to trust me when I tell her that God wants her to take a meat tenderizer and give herself a hysterectomy. We can't have this woman procreating. At least she doesn't vote.

Separated at Birth

On the left, Anderson Pooper. On the right, the Silver Fox himself. Which one would you rather hit? I'm not sure. On one hand, it would be weird having sexy times with a cat...and on the other...it would be weird having sex with someone who keeps calling you 'daddy' and begging you to stick a remote control in his Xenu hole. 

I'd go with Anderson Pooper.

Send them to Iraq!

In their relentless pursuit of infamy, dumb twatface and her whorebag BF want to go to Iraq to perform for the troops and show their young Republican pride. Because that is just exactly what shell-shocked marines on their fourth tour of Iraq want to be subjected to: the pathetic wail of a plastic horsey-faced donkey--and her significant other's creepy flesh-colored beard. 

When I carefully consider the possibilities though, I have decided it would be an excellent idea to send these cuntfucks to Iraq, as they conveniently personify everything that is wrong with America. But they better not fucking survive, or they'll have fodder for their next reality show.

Real Scary

Ahhhh! What the hell is Tomkat doing?! Why are they looking at me like I just questioned the existence of Xenu? This is the last thing you see before they capture you and chain you to a toilet in the basement of the Scientology Center with nothing but a bucket of barley water and a copy of Battlefield Earth. Scary stuff.

Reunion time, bitches!

There were so many "oh-holy-hell-i-can't-believe-he/she-went-there" moments on the Real World XX reunion episode, I don't even know where to begin. Will got called out for being the biggest whore in RW history, Joey revealed that you can now go to your local hairdresser and request "the Joey" (see above), and Brianna proved she was the only one of these tards with the self-awareness and maturity to look back on the experience in a reasonably levelheaded manner. She even forgave Kimberly and Sarah for being insufferably narrow-minded, hate-mongering bitches. I kind of love her now.

Hot Bitch

Gotta love an uplifting story like this. Tempest Storm is an 80-year-old stripper from Las Vegas. And bitch says she has no plans to retire her old pussy anytime soon because she's got too many fans who will be disappointed! Also, apparently she has (or had) a nice rack. In the 1950's she was dubbed "Girl with the Fabulous Front" and proclaimed the owner of the "Best two props in Hollywood." She also claims she bumped nasties with Elvis.

This is totally what Phoebe Price will look like in 50, I mean 10 years.

Absolutely not

What the fug are these? I'm all for rocking antiquated Roman fashion, but I draw the line at gladiators that go all the way up to the knees. Unless they're Balenciaga. I sure as shit don't endorse them being worn by Trolls though. Sorry MK. NEXT!

Note to Self: Yes

Kristin Cavallari is one of those by-products of Laguna Beach still trying desperately to cling to some kind of cultural relevancy. She's like a particularly stubborn case of toenail fungus. She just won't go away. And mostly, I think she sucks big hairy lesbian balls. Except this:

I want it all. The whole thing. Minus the fug-faced MTV wash-up, of course.

I can't hate

I never miss an opportunity to post some hotness brought to us by Weezy F. Baby. Here he is rockin' some Malcom X glasses at a show in Texas.

Gotta love the grill.

Sadness...

I just watched the season finale of The Real World Hollyweird. And no, I'm not crying. Okay, maybe just a little. I don't know why, but I've cried at the season finale of every single Real World since Miami. What can I say, I identify with the journey that these crazy whores go on. This season was just especially sad because I'll have to say goodbye forever to Joey's hot-douche-guido ass. And his spiky hair. Unless I ever feel like watching the next 5,000 seasons of The Inferno. Which I won't. 

Joey: goodbye you hot tranny bitch. Just please keep being exactly who you are.

This is not okay

Fucktard and Douche Breath took some of their $10,000 arsenal to the shooting range the other day and brought along their favorite Pap agency to take more "candids" of them. This is getting out of hand. If these two vaginas personify the American Dream, I want to move to the Gaza Strip. In fact, the only time I believe in promoting the use of violence is if it is being used directly against these asstards. So, all you hicks with personal assault weapons, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: Heidi uses abortion as a form of birth control and Spencer is a member of Greenpeace. Let the hate crimes begin.

Paris Hilton has an idea...

And shock of all shockers, it involves reality TV. I know, I never saw it coming either. Word is that she's pitched an idea for a show that will get hos like Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, The Olsen Trolls, and Nicole Richie all in one room--without the use of cocaine. Amazing! Here's the scoop:

According to a Paris pal, the hotel heiress got an inspiration watching both Dina Lohan's and Denise Richards’ new reality series. Her plan? To try to gather together as many targets of the supermarket press and paparazzi as she can.

Just imagine Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Tori Spelling — as well as Richards, Hilton and her former ”The Simple Life” co-star, Nicole Richie — together in one big two-hour special sharing "their side" of what it’s like to be them.

That concept alone reportedly has intrigued a couple of cable channels initially contacted about the concept: Bravo and Lifetime.

I'm not gonna lie. I'll be the first in line to watch this inane trash. And I'll love every minute of it. But really, will someone please fire a potato gun at Paris' head and give her a blanket infected with mesothelioma? And don't tell me that's not possible. I believe in possibility.

WTF happened to Hobie?!

Hobie was my favorite bitch from Baywatch. Ok, that's a lie, Logan was my favorite, but Hobie was my second favorite! I just hate seeing when steroids, dildos, and bronzer fuck up great TV actors of the '90s like this. Such a damn shame. And what's up with the redeye? Did he get dick-slapped across the face or something?

OMG, there so totally needs to be an Ultimate Douche-Off between this twink and Criss Angel. In Vegas. With midget strippers. 

Hot Jam of the Week

Discover the wonders of Bangers & Cash, the onetime collaboration of Spank Rock and Benny Blanco. Hot shit.