I love JustinBobby

There is a high-larious spoof on The Hills done by Mila Kunis, playing the embattled Audrina, and James Franco, playing the insouciant JustinBobby. He's got it down--from the detached look of arrogance, to the hair toss, to the annoyingly vague, cryptic speech. Seriously, if JustinBobby leaves the show, I'm not watching it anymore and God must hate me. Check out the video here. I couldn't post it because the window is too wide and it doesn't fit on my page and it messes up my feng shui and shit.

Separated at birth?

I have no idea why they would take a perfectly beautiful girl on Top Model and give her a haircut that makes it look like she has downs. But then again I've learned not to question the wisdom of Tyra Banks, if for no other reason than the fact that she's a crazy bitch, and therefore defies logic.

BTW, the dude in the picture is some awesome fairy (I'm using the term literally, not in the derogatory sense) with his own website where he basically dresses up and goes clubbing and takes pictures of himself. You can see his website here. I wonder if that's his real hair, or if he has a weave too.

Lil' Wayne is magic

The quote on the cover of Complex Magazine with Lil' Wayne says: "I'm a martian and if you understand me then you're Jesus Christ." And I have no idea what that means, but I don't question genius. I'm just a simpleton, after all.

Posh gets her gigantic mammaries removed; becomes instantly classier

Recent photos of Posh are noticeably absent of the large, round orbs that had heretofore been posing as breasts. I guess she decided to go for the more natural look to match her dark hair. Bitch actually looks pretty good, too. Less like a Real Doll and more like an actual human being. She still needs to work on that vacant stare, though.

The Brits like gay people

Elton John's life partner, a Canadian by the name of David Furnish, is supporting a bill in the UK that would make it illegal to tell homophobic jokes. If the bill is passed and you are found guilty of gay-hatin' you could face up to 7 years in the slammer. David said,

"I think any sort of hatred is unacceptable so yes, I support it. That said, I think this country is unbelievably tolerant and I feel privileged to live here and to be married to a Brit - as well as thankful that I can be married to a Brit."

First of all, this guy is one lucky bitch because he has British citizenship. Hell, I'd marry Elton John for British citizenship. Secondly, this shit is just not gonna happen. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for gay pride, but how do you enforce something like that? It's like trying to outlaw ignorance. It's a nice thought, but what would we do without ignorant people? We'd have no one to look down on, make fun of, or otherwise disparage.

...And if you outlaw gay jokes than you have to outlaw Jew jokes, racist jokes, jokes about women, jokes about midgets, and you definitely can't tell jokes about black Jewish gay midgets. And I don't want to live in a world where you can't tell jokes about black Jewish gay midgets.

Thank God, even if this law passes, there's no way in hell it'd make it to America. Because in America there are few things held more sacred than the right to disseminate hatred. Oh, except maybe the right to a Starbuck's on every corner...and a drive-thru within 5 miles of your home... I think those are in the constitution.

PSAs about Pot have always been retarded

Why is it that no one can come up with a single good reason why smoking pot is going to ruin your life? Maybe because it won't. Anti-pot commercials are always emphasizing the "gateway drug" affect, where you start out smoking joints, and end up with a needle in your arm. Which is just um...well let's just say I have yet to meet a pothead who sits up one day and goes, "Hey, I want to get some crack and just go fucking crazy!"

But here's a PSA I actually remember from my own youth. It's less frightening than it is hilarious.

Stevie Wonder is awesome--Sesame Street used to be cool

Stevie really rocks the shit out for this performance on Sesame Street. Seriously, he's so good, it fucks with my head.

Sean Kingston has more money than you

Sean Kingston was the picture of understated elegance at NBC's Today Show this morning, rocking his iced-out 64-Crayola Box. Gotta love novelty man-jewelry made from blood diamonds...At the very least, I'm sure his neck is getting a rather strenuous workout.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Here's a funny picture of our ass-clown president to get you in the holiday spirit. And by holiday spirit I mean bludgeoning douchebags to death spirit. Cuz, you know, that's what the holidays are all about--pent-up anger finally boiling over in a seething cauldron of rage that manifests itself in impromptu sobfests and violence directed at old ladies and kittens. Yeah.

Dr. Jan Adams is a really good doctor

Dr. Jan Adams--the butcher that may have been responsible for Dr. Donda West's death--was on Larry King last night to plead his case and clear up any "inaccuracies" in the press. But less than two minutes into the interview he got up and walked out. According to him the West family didn't want him to go on the show, and their lawyers had written him a letter asking him not to. So he was apparently "honoring their wishes."

I'm no expert, but this guy is fucking guilty. At the very least, guilty of being a smarmy douchebag who's in love with the sound of his own voice. I'm sure you've read all the other gems about him that are coming out of the woodwork: 3 DUIs, a restraining order from his ex-wife, multiple malpractice suits...the real tragedy here is that this mongoloid still has his medical licesnse. Oh, that and apparently Dr. Donda West couldn't read. Otherwise she would have found out about all this shit and not let him anywhere near her with a scalpel.

Click here to see the video.

Jesus was a pedophile

Scientololoonies scare me more than terrorists, child molesters, and George W Bush combined. Partially because they're so shady about what they may or may not believe in. I don't get why they don't just come out and say it. But then I hear shit like this, and it becomes obvious why they try to hide what they believe in: they're fucking crazy.

So apparently some website called FACTnet spent over 20 hours interviewing a former high-ranking Scientologist named Jesse Prince. He was second-in command of all of Scientology's operations worldwide. Here's what they learned:

• Celebrity Scientologists are compensated handsomely for their endorsement of the religion. One of the most absurd cases of course involves Tom Cruise. When he got married to Nicole Kidman, the Church's leader, David Miscavage, found out that Tom fantasized about running through a wheat field with her. So he spent tens of thousands of dollars turning a portion of Scientology's desert compound into a wheat field.

• The Church also organizes marriages and divorces that it sees as beneficial to Scientology. For instance, the Church helped arrange Lisa Marie Presley's marriage to Michael Jackson in the hopes that he would convert and encourage thousands of his young fans to do so as well. At the time Presley was already married to a Scientology staff member, so a divorce was quickly arranged.

• Perhaps one of the most disturbing allegations that came to light in interviews with Jesse Prince is that many celebrities (and countless non-celebrities) experienced psychotic breaks while undergoing some of Scientology's bizarre initiations. Tom Cruise is said to have become extremely sickly-looking and ill after his initiation known as OT III, where he was told his body was actually composed of thousands of aliens from all over the universe and they were fighting for control of his body.

• According to Prince, many celebrities have tried unsuccessfully to leave the Church, including John Travolta, Tom Cruise, Kelly Preston, and Kirstie Alley. Celebrities who exhibit antagonistic views on Scientology may be monitored by lackeys known as "support" staff who report back to David Miscavage. Perhaps most shockingly, Prince alleges that John Travolta was having a homosexual relationship they didn't approve of. So Miscavage ordered a large staff to stay with Travolta for weeks at a time until they could bring him back into the fold. They eventually arranged his marriage to Kelly Preston.

• There are secret documents which assert that Hubbard was the anti-Christ and that Jesus wasn't a holy figure at all, but a pedophile. The document caused so many problems with those who read it that they eventually deemed it "too dangerous" and had it removed.
  

If that shit doesn't scare you, then you must have balls of steel and fists that can shoot laser beams. If I suddenly go "missing" or my blog gets taken down in the next few days, you'll know what happened.

I think my eardrums are bleeding

A country group called Sugarland performed Beyonce's "Irreplaceable" at the AMAs this weekend. And yeah, it was as bad as you'd imagine. Beyonce seems to be under the mistaken impression that she's God's gift to music. She probably thinks having her song covered puts her on the level of Bob Dylan or The Beatles.

Weezy F Magazine covers: pure manjoyment

Weezy shot not one, not two, but three covers for XXL Magazine. I think he looks hot in all of them. Lord, what I wouldn't do to have his grills all up in my business...

Paris Hilton wants to help drunk elephants

Apparently Northeast India has a problem with elephants breaking into local farms and imbibing large amounts of the farmers' homemade rice beer. Then they go on drunken rampages that usually end in human and pachyderm fatalities. Authorities are hopeful that a 'celebrity' endorsement from someone like Paris will raise awareness of the problem. And it's their lucky fucking day, because it just so happens that Paris is in dire need of a "philanthropic" endeavor to focus attention away from the fact that she's a fucking retard.

"The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them," she said.

You know who else we need to stop making alcohol available to? Paris Hilton. Because when you take someone as profoundly retarded as she is and add alcohol to the mix, bad things happen. I can't say what, exactly, but I know it involves rashes and oozing sores.

This is how good it could have been

Video just leaked of the rehearsal for Britney's VMA performance. You'll notice there's something missing though. Something big, blond, and uncoordinated. I can't quite put my finger on what it is...

I have 4 words for you: Spencer Pratt sex tape

If you didn't just throw up in your own mouth, then there's something seriously the matter with you. I'm praying to God it's not true, but apparently sources are saying that he made a sex tape in Brazil before he started dating Heidi, and now he's trying to orchestrate a set-up where the tape gets "stolen" and "leaked" and he makes a million dollars. Of course, the Douche claims this is false, saying he's never been on camera and never made a sex tape in the first place, with the caveat that he has been in Brazil to "film a jujitsu tournament for a documentary." We'll leave the absurdity of that statement aside for a moment and just focus on the horrific prospect of actually having to see this douche having sex. Suffice to say I'd rather watch a pig get raped by a donkey than be forced to watch that. I have my limits.

Dog : "I'm black, too."

Asswipe of the century Dog the Bounty Hunter brought on the full-blown freakfest for his appearance on Hannity and Colmes. Among his outrageous claims was that he would kill himself for forgiveness, he wanted to be buried in an unmarked grave with slaves, and that he thought he was black.

"I thought that I was cool enough in the black world to be able to use that word as a brother to a brother. I'm not. I didn't really know until three or four days ago what that meant to black people...There's a special connection that I thought I had between me and black America. And I used to say, 'I'm black, too.'

Is this guy a total fucking retard? He didn't know what the N-word meant to the black community? How could he say that and then in the very next sentence declare that he had a "connection" with the black community.

The national tour of repentance will continue on Larry King tonight. You know what I think they should make him do? Kiss Reverend Al Sharpton's ass just like in the South Park episode. What does that have to do with making up for his racist tirade? Nothing. It would just be funny as hell to see him pucker up thinking it's going to make everything all better and then have the Reverend slap him in the face with a leather glove and say, "Bitch, get outta my office!"

"The world will be a better place when this satanic piece of filth retires"

A Christian watchdog group calling themselves The Resistance (La Resistance?) are urging 50 Cent to make good on his promise and quit the rap game. Because remember when he kept saying he'd retire if his album didn't outsell Kanye's? Well, it didn't. And lo and behold he's still around.

La Resistance is calling on supporters to flood Fiddy's Myspace page with comments asking him to retire. Are these people retarded? 50 Cent is not going to retire so long as sex, money, and drugs sell albums. And thanks to capitalism, we know that will be from now until the end of time.

Also, these people have their priorities all wrong. If they really want to go after "satanic pieces of filth" they should be going after Paris Hilton, who has forced herself on more people than David Copperfield. That is a movement I would fully support.

This is good shit

Lupe Fiasco has rightfully been called one of the most underrated rappers in the game. He's the antidote to the "money over everything and bitches under all" hip-hop mentality. This is the video for his new song "Dumb it Down," and it's hot.

Hot mess

Hohan's daddy has been pimping himself out for the major TV networks trying to sell the concept of his reality show. Check out the preview above for all the awesome train wreckage you'd expect from a Lohan.

Those assholes at Maxim are fucking racists

Maxim, purveyor of quality, engaging magazine content, made some stupid list of the top 5 most "unsexy" women in Hollywood, and it was populated by a couple of hot messes, a couple of Jews, a wannabe Jew, and an Asian. Here it is:

1) Sarah Jessica Parker
2) Amy Winehouse
3) Sandra Oh
4) Madonna
5) Britney Spears

Okay, so Britney and Wino--that's fair. Their unsexiness goes far more than skin deep. One is a ghoulish, beehived freak with a drug problem, and the other is a crotch-flashing, 10,000 calorie-a-day-eating, unfit mother who can't sing. But WTF is up with putting Sandra Oh at #3? She's not even ugly. She has no business being on that list in a world where people like Tara Reid and Kimberly Stewart aren't even included. And Sarah Jessica Parker, who I'll be the first to admit is no great beauty, is the #1 most unsexy woman alive? C'mon! That's total bullshit! What about Rita Cosby, Ann Coulter, and Nancy Grace? Those are all women who take unsexy to a whole new level-- they're all woman-hating ho-bags! Especially Ann Coulter, who obviously thinks of herself as a pretty hot piece. Bitch should have been #1!!

So, basically, if you want to avoid being put on Maxim's Most Unsexy list, you can be diseased, prone to ending up face down in a pile of your own vomit, stupid, incoherent, and generally disgusting but you'd better not be old, Jewish, or have non-Caucasian features. Because you know, that shit is just plain U-G-L-Y.

Here are the lucky winners:

Sarah Jessica Parker:


Amy Winehouse:


Sandra Oh:


Madonna:


Britney Spears:

Proof that Victoria Beckham didn't always look like an alien sex-bot:

Awesome Awesomeness

There are no words.