Gangee: Wonk Eye pt. 3

Sweet holy fuck, what the fuck happened to Lucille Bluth's face? She's got a case of full-on wonk eye! OMG, does that mean we're down to a 3-way wonk-off between Paris Hilton, George Clooney's whore, and Lucille Bluth? And no, I don't care what the actress' real name is. She'll always be Gangee to me.

ps: Lucille is totally going to be in the 90210 remake--appropriately as someone's alcoholic mother. I am so there.

Justin Bobby--Nooooooo!!!

Sorry for all the Hills related posts, but I'm balls deep in this shit. Spencer's flesh-colored beard is starting to invade my dreams at night. I'm holding out for a sex dream with Justin Bobby. It's bound to happen.

Anyway, Monday on The Hills LC went on a date with Stephen (that dude she liked in high school), Lo and LC continued to gang up on Chicklet-Teeth (Audrina), and Justin Bobby CUT HIS HAIR. I'm still reeling from the shock of it. MTV is systematically taking the single-greatest joy in my life and leaving a moist, steamy dump on it. Fuck you MTV. 

Whoa, Justin Bobby kind of has a flesh-colored beard too. What's up with that? Is there something in the water?

Yo, douche!

Ugh, when I see shit like this it all makes sense to me why there are other countries out there trying to bomb us into oblivion. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever two talentless whores like Heidi "Ho" and the Spence-douche should get media attention. Unless it's because they're donating their brains to a monkey science lab.

Oh no, we have another Marc Jacobs on our hands

I'm all for getting fit, but why do these guys insist on turning themselves into Hollywood sluts with fake tans and a bad case of manorexia? First Marc Jacobs, who went from a bespectacled, slightly pear-shaped boy-wonder to an oversexed, blue-haired fairy with a Spongebob tattoo and a raging case of herpes...Now Perez Hilton, whose fame and countless VH1 specials have apparently gotten to his head and made him decide it's necessary to binge on coke and diet pills, buy a corset, and hit up the White House Annual Correspondent's Dinner like it ain't no thang. 

WTF?

Oh, and here's what he used to look like, for reference:

And just look what fame did to poor Marc:

My hero

Chrissy Crocker has been parading his hot tranny ass around Robertson Blvd again with a very special message to Perez Hilton. Which, coincidentally, is also my message to Perez. So I suppose in that way we are like-minded, Chrissy and me. Oh, that and our mutual love of flashing a little nip in the middle of the afternoon. Keeps things interesting.

ps

He's definitely wearing shoes from Paris Hilton's shoe line. 

The Paper

In a surprising coup by MTV, they actually came out with a new show that doesn't suck hairy lesbian balls. It's called The Paper and it's about a group of 70 kids on their school's newspaper who are all awesome Miami types with Jewish mothers. The star of the show, Editor-in-chief Amanda, is totally that type of girl you would have hated in high school but from an adult perspective, is actually kind of a badass bitch.

Best song.....ever?

This, my friends, is Riskay's new video for "Smell yo dick." I am totally making it my new ringtone.

I have a fever, and the only cure is more Justin Bobby

OMG it finally happened. Justin Bobby made his triumphant return to The Hills. I hate to wax poetic, but he is undeniably, without a doubt, the best thing to happen to reality TV in the history of all time. Justin Bobby can make Jesus cry. True story.

There are a number of notable changes in our hero since the last time we saw him ignoring Audrina and saying awesome shit ("your friends don't fathom me" e.g.):

•  A PR team and a stylist have both definitely gotten their grubby little hands all over him. He's like a more marketable version of his former self. 
  
• He's a total coke monkey. You can tell by his random eye tics and the fact that he's actually interested in what Chicklet-teeth is saying. Goddamn, the only way I could sit and listen to that bitch talk is if someone gave me a stiff drink and an 8-ball.

I daresay I'm not sure I like it, either. It's like MTV tried to wipe the douche off him. Before he was this genuinely arrogant disinterested breath of fresh air. Now he's more like the stale farts of Reality TV's recycled ideas.

I'll take what I can get though.

Rumer Willis has a beaver's ass on her head

This is just tragic. Girl, you gotta stop it with the broke-ass weave. It looks like you ran out of money before they could finish, so you've only got about half the "100% human hair" you're supposed to have. Don't you know where they get that shit? China. And no, it doesn't come from people. It comes from yaks.

Justin Bobby!

Justin Bobby, that hot bitch from The Hills, has landed himself a modeling gig. And until they bring him back to the show (it's gonna happen. I've seen the scenes from this season!) I guess I'll have to comfort myself with the knowledge that yes, he is out there, honing his douche skills and rubbing his chest hair.

The Crazy was a long time coming...

In case you haven't heard, there are rumors going around Hollywood that Britney kept a video diary of the past six months of her life, and in them she apparently airs some pretty spectacular dirty laundry. She's threatened to release them to MTV. And all I have to say is, if there is a God, he will make this happen.

I remain skeptical that any video diary could ever top the hot tranny mess that was "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic." Here's a clip from that little gem, just in case you forgot that Britney was, in fact, always clinically retarded.

WTF is that?

I mean, I know its Devendra Banhart, but what why the fuck does he look like that? Did San Francisco's entire hipster population come together in a spectacular orgy of pilgrim beards and fixed-gear bicycles and create a freak-hipster love child? And if they did, why, pray tell, would a young woman who has bumped nasties with Gael Garcia Bernal invite him into her bedroom? None of it makes any sense...

Oh yeah, and Chloe Sevigny called. She wants her white Wayfarers back.

Brett Michaels has a beaver's ass on his head

On Rock of Chlamydia this week, Brett finally removed his signature bandana and exposed the horrific sight underneath: his broke-ass weave. He must use the same bitch as Britney. They both have the worst weaves in show business.

The Simpsons May Be Hazardous to Your Heath

President Hugo Chavez thinks The Simpsons is "unsuitable for children" and contains "messages that go against the whole education of boys, girls, and adolescents..." So he banned it and replaced it with Baywatch, which is clearly more family-oriented and pro-education. You know, because of the boobs. Or something.

And that reminds me, why the hell is Baywatch the most watched series in the history of TV? I mean, don't get me wrong, I used to love it. Mostly because I thought Logan was a hot bitch, but also because of those sweet montages that usually involved slow-mo running and bouncing mammaries. Oh, and the smooth musical sounds of Soulfree. Ok, now I get it. It's the most watched show in the history of all time because it's the best show in the history of all time. 1.1 billion people can't be wrong!

I heart Tracey Ullman

She's really captured that je ne sais quois of White Oprah. The profound sense of self-entitlement... the shocking lack of self-awareness...and most of all that New Jersey trash smell that, no matter how long she's lived in L.A., she's never going to fully get rid of.

Wonk-Eye Part 2?

This Sarah Larson bitch is everywhere. She's Clooney's latest gay-cover and he's parading her around every red carpet event in Hollywood like he wants to say, "Look at me!! Look at me with this hot piece! I like boobs!"

However, there are a number of reasons why I believe this relationship is a hoax. First, George Clooney is gay. Second, he always talks about how "smart" she is and how he loves her for her sense of humor, but dumb Vegas party sluts aren't usually very smart, and their sense of humor normally revolves around taking off all their clothes and making out with other girls. Something tells me Georgie would not find that very funny.

Oh, and she also has a wonk-eye. Uh oh, Paris is going to be jealous!! She thinks she's the only wonk-eye in Hollywood. They need to have a wonk-fight. On the edge of a cliff. With man-eating sharks down below.

On an unrelated note, I want this bitch's dress.

Hillary Clinton is fucking Barack Obama

Sometimes, late at night, I just get down on my knees and thank God for Youtube and the losers that spend 20 hours putting together shit like this.