Kanye West has a poopy diaper

I'm getting a little sick of hearing Kanye West whine about EVERYTHING. First he gets all butt-hurt because he doesn't win any stupid MTV awards, and now he's coming to Britney's "defense" by saying that MTV exploited her for ratings. Well congratulations, Inspector Obvious. How did you come up with that one? I mean really, what gave it away? The tabloid frenzy? The fact that MTV is a huge, faceless corporation owned by a bunch of money-hungry old white men? My God, MTV exploits artists?? This is the biggest news since just about ever.

But seriously, Kanye you need to maintain a little better than that. Don't get your panties in a bunch over stupid MTV awards. It makes you seem like kind of a weenie.

Just leave Britney alone!

This guy made my morning. Not only is he a poster child for teenage angst and the devastating effects of hormone surges, he's also certifiably insane. Enjoy.

Lil' Mama made it all worth it...

The VMA's might have seemed like a complete waste of my life if Lil' Mama hadn't showed up wearing this:


Amen for whoever thought of this ironic stab at wardrobe decorum. It was a diamond in a sea of Horse shit.

It's Britney, Bitch

Britney Spears' VMA performance was every bit as horrific as I knew it would be. She might as well have gone on stage in a bathrobe, eaten a bag of cheetos, belched loudly into the microphone, and then rolled over on her back to show us her ladybits. Jesus God, how much more of this drivel will we be subjected to?

Apparently (big surprise) the sucky performance wasn't Britney's fault! She was actually enraged by comments comedian Sarah Silverman made about her children in rehearsal. The monologue was supposed to be cut from the actual show, but Sarah ended up saying it anyway: “Have you seen Britney’s kids? Oh my god, they are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see! They are as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of.”

Okay, big deal. Your kids were a mistake. We wouldn't know your vagina was hairless (and believe me, we'd rather not) if you'd just wear a pair of fucking panties once in awhile. Since when did stating the obvious become an excuse for flopping around on stage like a beluga whale on tranquilizers? I mean, my God, you were scaring people! Did you see 50 Cent in the front row? The guy's been shot like, 15 times, and even he looked like he was being forced to watch the execution of a kitten. The whole thing felt like Britney giving America the finger. And for what? All we did was turn her into a sex symbol at the age of 15, skyrocket her to fame and wealth, and then ruin her life by ridiculing every mistake she ever made. I fail to see why she would want to punish us so severely...

Pete Doherty's crack kitty

Apparently Pete Doherty is taking innocent victims with him as he descends into his fog of chemical dependency and madness--and I'm not talking about Kate Moss. I'm talking about his kitten, Dinger. According to friends, he gets it high on crack regularly, and even made a little mini-crack pipe for it. The kitten has been showing signs of addiction, including withdrawal symptoms. Friends say that after the cat smokes crack it passes out, suffers mood swings, and thinks it can fly.

This story sounds like a bunch of crap to me. First of all, how can you tell if a cat is suffering mood swings or thinks it can fly? And second of all, now I have that Presidents of the United States of America song spinning around in my head..."Kitty at my foot and I wanna touch it/kitty at my foot and I wanna touch it/meow meow meow meow meow..."

Someone call child services...

Paris Hilton has revealed to British Elle that she's ready for the next step in her path to ultimate tabloid whoredom--she wants to have a baby. When I heard this my first instinct was to go out, buy a semiautomatic weapon, drive to LA, and shoot her in the face myself. Here is some of what she had to say in the interview:

"I just started working out and it feels great. It gives me so much energy. I want kids next year, so I've got to get my body ready.”

Next year? Is that all? Why not just flop down in the middle of Sepulveda Blvd., spread your legs, and see who gets there first? It could be a special on E! called "Paris Gets Knocked Up" and we could all make bets on whose sperm made it to the promised land. Criss Angel? Zac Efron? That homeless dude on the corner? We'll just have to wait until next season to find out!

Seriously though, someone needs to make sure this doesn't happen. I'm not endorsing any criminal activity I'm just saying...if it takes some bailing twine, a shovel, and a coat hanger, then so be it.

David LaChapelle is a genius

Um, I have no idea what the fuck is going on in Jennifer Lopez' new music video. But then again, it was directed by David LaChapelle, so I'm pretty sure that's the point. She just goes around kicking guys in the face and beating people up and there are sluts in cages running on hamster wheels. I'm pretty sure David LaChapelle could have put J. Lo. in a snake pit filled with dead babies and burned effigies of Fidel Castro and people would just go, "Wow, that's sooooooo artistic. How does he do it?"

Funny shit

Ugh. Yesterday totally sucked ass. Which is why we all need something lighthearted and mean-spirited to improve our mood. Behold the glory of planethiltron.com, a blog that doctors pictures of celebrities by affixing their mugs to the bodies of much more...um, average looking Americans. It is fucking hilarious. I've posted a few of my favorites, but you must go to the website and check it out. If stuff like this can exist then there are truly good people in this world.

Racism? What racism??

For those of you who don't know about the Jena Six, please read this article. I don't normally write about important shit but this just makes me so mad I could cry.

So six students have been charged with attempted murder for beating up a white student. Keep in mind the victim did suffer a concussion and multiple bruises, but was well enough to attend a school function on the day of the beating. Parents of the students charged with attempted murder say the town is determined to "keep institutionalized slavery alive and well." Most white residents however, see no connection between the nooses hanging from the tree in the school's quad (an act that was dismissed as nothing more than "a prank" by school officials) and the fight that broke out months later. In the words of the town's librarian, it "just didn't seem to be racist."

Meanwhile 2 of the students whose parents were unable to make bail (set between $70,000 and $120,000) have spent the past 7 months in jail awaiting trial. Keep in mind, these kids are between the ages of 15 and 17 and they're facing 20 years to life in prison. One student has already been convicted of aggravated battery by an all-white jury and faces 22 years.

Seriously though, this shit is ridiculous. It just really goes to show how far we haven't come. The district attorney was out to get these kids from the beginning. He told the local paper that when the students were convicted, he would seek the maximum penalty allowed, and threatened in a school assembly that he could "end their lives with the stroke of a pen."

According to one of the boys' fathers, for better or for worse, now his son "knows what it is to be black."

New Video: Lil' Mama "G Slide/Tour Bus"

And just because I'm not a total sadist, here's Lil' Mama's new song/video "G-Slide/Tour Bus." It's like an ointment for the rash that Britney's song gave me.

Now that's what I call a hot jam!

This isn't even funny anymore

I just listened to Britney's second single, "Cold as Ice," which was somehow 'miraculously' leaked onto the internet. And let's just say I'd rather listen to the sound of kittens being raped. This thing has to be a fucking joke. A horrible, unfunny joke.

The opening lyrics are a matter of dispute among the media. Some are reporting they go like this: "I'm just the girl with the ability to drive a man crazy/ Make him come in my mouth/ Make him my new baby..."

And as much as I wish that was what she was really saying, those people are perverts because the real lyrics go like this: "I'm just the girl with the ability to drive a man crazy/ Make him call me mama/ Make him my new baby..."

Either way, this thing sounds like it was produced in some dude's garage on a Casio keyboard with backup singers plucked from the local homeless shelter. I think my eardums are bleeding...and I'm feeling nauseous...uuuuuhhhh...yep. I just threw up in my own mouth.

If I haven't scared you off sufficiently, then have a listen. And don't blame me if you suddenly become sterile or want to kill yourself.


And if you really hate yourself and you're into self-punishment, listen to her other new single, "Gimme More."

A little something to whet your appetite...

Nothing gets me more pumped for a season of glorified anorexia, catfights, and Tyra Bank's ever-expanding ego than this promo for the opening credits of ANTM.

And like every cycle before it, Tyra will be encouraging all the black girls to act like 'hood niggas' and talking them through daddy issues. Cuz baby, whatever you're going through, Tyra's been there. Only it was way scarier, harder, and more dangerous than your experience. So shut the fuck up and let Ty Ty talk her piece. Tyra and her gigantic five-head. See, it's like a forehead, but bigger. So it's a five-head. Oh, Snap!

Perez Hilton thinks he's important

Asswipe extrardinaire Perez Hilton has somehow weaseled his way into the middle of another conflict. This morning he reported (as did every other blog on the internet) that Michael Lohan was scheduled to visit Lindsay in rehab. So what does Michael Lohan do? Well my God, he does what any Father of the Year would--he calls up Perez Hilton to whine about how Dina won't let him see the kids and has a raging coke problem.

I'm not even sure who I should be more disgusted with: Perez for being a kiss-ass, illiterate, unimaginative, pretend reporter, or Michael Lohan for taking his story to a kiss-ass, illiterate, unimaginative, pretend reporter. I'm pretty sure that if I punched Perez Hilton in his fat face and locked him in a closet, I could replace him with an overweight chimp and no one would even notice the difference--except for the fact that he'd suddenly have some dignity and be slightly more articulate.

Shia LeBeouf is beoufing Rihanna

So apparently Shia LeBeouf (some guy with maybe the worst name ever) is dating R&B songstress Rihanna. And honestly, I never thought she'd go for the curly, Jewish type. The baby-daddy, gun-toting, Crystal-drinking, Chopard-loving, rhyme-dropping gangsta, sure. But a Jew? Really? This chick might be smarter than we all thought...

People at Cambridge are fucking retards

Thank God the world's greatest scientific minds are being put to good use. Some horny dudes at Cambridge figured out that a woman's waist-to-hip ratio has a direct bearing on how sexily she walks. According to these highly scientific principles, Jessica Alba has the sexiest walk and the perfect waist-to-hip ratio of 0.7 (25 inch waist, 36 inch hip).

Is this seriously what we've come to? Do we have our heads so far up our asses that determining Jessica Alba is the perfect woman counts as science?? You know what I've determined by highly scientific research? That 99% of people are douchebags. And that Tom Cruise is gay. And you know I must be right because I wear a lab coat with a name tag and carry around a clipboard. If that's not science, I don't know what is.