Gayken is going to be a daddy

Clay Gayken (looking like a well-fed lesbian, above) sperminated his 50-year-old BFF/fag hag via IVF. Duh, of course they used IVF. He probably screams like Ned Flanders at the mere suggestion of sex with a female. If you want to scare the living bejeezus out of Gayken, just show him a labia.  A spokeswhore said:

"The story is true...Clay is the father. She was artificially inseminated by Clay. She's due in August." 

And they already froze Gayken's splooge so she can poop out another Clayspawn in the next year or so. You know he's totally going to offer to carry the next fetus. Mostly because it will give him an excuse to fart a lot and get a couple of fingers shoved up his no-no hole (for the constipation!). Oh, and then he can be on Oprah like the other pregnant dude. You know bitch looooves him some Oprah.

Someone get me a coat hanger

So unless you live at the bottom of a very deep well, you know that Jamie Lynn, Britney's 16-year-old sister, is with child.

Remember when The National Enquirer broke a story about her being pregnant all the way back in July? Well, they got sued for it, but it looks like maybe the only time in history they can actually say, "we were right." They've just released a (hilarious) letter written to them by Jamie Lynn's lawyers at the time they broke the story:

"Ms. Spears is a devout Christian with a spotless reputation, who lives in accordance with the highest moral and ethical standards in accordance with her faith.
There is no “rumor concerning Ms. Spears' (non-existent) pregnancy, except perhaps for the baseless rumor just now being created by the National Enquirer.
Ms. Spears is not pregnant. It is pathetic for the National Enquirer to attempt to create a wholly baseless rumor that Ms. Spears is pregnant, so it can run a malicious story and false story which would be emotionally devastating to a morally upright 16 year old girl."

Apparently "living in accordance with the highest moral and ethical standards" includes moving in with and getting knocked up by your boyfriend when you're 16. So um....that's cool. And by cool I mean completely hypocritical.

Too bad, she was going to be the cute one too. Now she's going to blow up like a goddamned Macy's Thanksgiving Day float.

Tom Cruise is ready to have sex with Katie Holmes...through a sheet with a hole in it

Apparently TomKat is ready for baby #2. If we're not careful, there might one day be an army of self-righteous midgets trying to control the world through Scientology. Because they'd be Tom Cruise's kids, get it? But seriously, will someone please put something in the water that makes everyone in Hollywood sterile? It doesn't necessarily have to kill them--just turn their reproductive organs into mush.

Someone call child services...

Paris Hilton has revealed to British Elle that she's ready for the next step in her path to ultimate tabloid whoredom--she wants to have a baby. When I heard this my first instinct was to go out, buy a semiautomatic weapon, drive to LA, and shoot her in the face myself. Here is some of what she had to say in the interview:

"I just started working out and it feels great. It gives me so much energy. I want kids next year, so I've got to get my body ready.”

Next year? Is that all? Why not just flop down in the middle of Sepulveda Blvd., spread your legs, and see who gets there first? It could be a special on E! called "Paris Gets Knocked Up" and we could all make bets on whose sperm made it to the promised land. Criss Angel? Zac Efron? That homeless dude on the corner? We'll just have to wait until next season to find out!

Seriously though, someone needs to make sure this doesn't happen. I'm not endorsing any criminal activity I'm just saying...if it takes some bailing twine, a shovel, and a coat hanger, then so be it.

Foxy Brown pulls a Nicole Richie

Foxy Brown is going to have to serve jail time for violating her probation. So she does what any normal, sane person would do in that situation: she gets pregnant. Brown reportedly told the media that she was indeed expecting a child, and just to prove it she made a trip to B,B,&B to pick up some baby stuff and perhaps a few useless kitchen utensils.

I don't get it. It's not like being pregnant is actually going to change her sentence. It'd be like if I was being deported to Australia and I told everyone I suffered from psoriasis or PMDD. That's great, but it doesn't have a fucking thing to do with being deported. Sorry Foxy, looks like you opened your legs for naught. And now you'll be serving a life sentence as a parent, not a mini-stint in white collar resort prison. Dumbass.

Nicole Richie proves me wrong...

God, I feel like such an ass. I mean, here I am throwing around accusations that Nicole is anorexic and it's not true! She's just really, really naturally thin. See? She's eating in the picture above. Which is proof that contrary to what I believed, she actually has eaten since 2003.

Apparently the pregnancy rumors are true as well. At least for now. I wouldn't be surprised if she "miscarries" sometime in the next month, in which case she's a fucking liar. Come to think of it, I probably don't trust her as far as I can throw her--which doesn't even really work in this case because I could probably pick her up in one hand and just chuck her the length of a football field.

Nicole Richie heads to jail, hopes the food won't make her fat

The long arm of the law came crashing down on our favorite little anorexic's head last week, and Nicole is going to have to serve 4 days in jail for her DUI back in December. This was the girl driving down the freeway in THE WRONG DIRECTION at like 5 in the morning high on weed and prescription pills. So she should basically be charged with attempted manslaughter or something. But, since she's "pregnant" and all, she walks with only 4 days. I'm pretty sure people have served longer sentences for double parking. It's ridiculous.

Also ridiculous? Joel Madden. I'm pretty sure he's the biggest douchebag that's ever lived.

Getting pregnant is the new black...

As in, everyone who's anyone is doing it: Britney, Katie Holmes, Salma Hayek, Naomi Watts, Christina Aguilera, and now, horror of all horrors, perhaps even Nicole Richie?! Christ, these people act like having a child is about as complicated as buying a coffee table. I'd love to see the look on Nicole Richie's face when she finds out the manspawn that currently may or may not be occupying her womb is going to live for like, 70 years and need to be cared for. As in like, fed. Clothed. Watered. Maybe even coddled now and then. It will poop. And cry. A lot. I bet you she hasn't even thought about any of this. Like, in her head she's going, "okay, cool, I'm just going to get pregnant long enough for this whole DUI charge-thingy to blow over, then I'm gonna like, suck it out with a Turkey baster...or wait, maybe I'll have it because I really would look sooooo cute all barefoot and pregnant, and as much as I loathe the thought of gaining enough weight NOT to expose my entire skeletal structure, it will just be another opportunity to prove to the world that I'm like, so not anorexic. I'm pregnant for chrissake! How can a pregnant chick be anorexic?! It's like, impossible!! Then I can have it and give it to Angelina Jolie or whatever...yeah, that's right...whatever..."
Sound logic, sweetheart, but first of all, I seriously doubt that Brangelina will be interested in adopting a child that is 3/4 white, and second of all, the chances of you surviving a pregnancy are something like my chances of getting a hot date with Gael Garcia Bernal that ends in me licking whipped cream from his nipples. As in, like, zilch.
And as for the rest of you wenches, I don't know what to say. A baby is not a maltipoo you can carry around as an accessory and then throw away when you tire of it and decide that teacup chihuahuas are more "your thing." And besides, wearing black is much more slimming than being pregnant. Trust me.
Note: ultra-flattering picture of Nicole comes courtesy of celebitchy.com