WTF happened to Hobie?!

Hobie was my favorite bitch from Baywatch. Ok, that's a lie, Logan was my favorite, but Hobie was my second favorite! I just hate seeing when steroids, dildos, and bronzer fuck up great TV actors of the '90s like this. Such a damn shame. And what's up with the redeye? Did he get dick-slapped across the face or something?

OMG, there so totally needs to be an Ultimate Douche-Off between this twink and Criss Angel. In Vegas. With midget strippers. 

Fug

Brooke is so stoned in this picture, it's painful to look at. She probably needs a bottle of Gatorade and a nap. Smoking a personal blunt will do that to you. Bitch should have packed a bowl instead.

Also, this is why females shouldn't wear grills.

OMG nails!

Brooke Hogan is probably a man. And by probably I mean she is definitely, with 100% certainty, in possession of a Y chromosome. I mean, her appearance speaks for itself:


If that's not a hot tranny mess, then I don't know a hot tranny mess when I see one. And I'm a consummate professional at identifying hot tranny messes. On a side note, I am totally in love with her ho-tastic nails. The last time I saw fakies that long I was watching Sargent Caroline Mason on the First 48. She's a hot bitch. Here's a clip of her being cooler than you:

Chrissy Crocker is looking hotter with each passing day

Chrissy's horse face is totally starting to grow on me. I want him to get his own guest spot on The Hills playing Heidi's long-lost sister...What am I saying? His natural ability and talent cannot be contained in a half hour of meaningful glances and awkward silences. He should totally be a Rock of Love ho. You know he'd set the bar by being the first slut to take his shirt off and let Bret stick it in the poop shoot.

My newest obsession

The hot bitch on the right is Bill Kaulitz, lead singer of a band called Tokio Hotel. And yes, it is a he. Or so I have been thoroughly assured. But who knows. I can totally imagine him with a vagina.  You know his pubes are hairsprayed and flatironed with frosted tips. 

Oh, and his twin brother totally looks like a 'futch' lesbian--half femme, half butch. That's ok though, I'd do him anyway. Don't hate, you know you would too. 

Cojo is scaring me

This is the stuff nightmares are made of. I think I had a bad dream last night that Cojo was trying to inject my face with monkey collagen. Don't ask me, I don't know what it is either, but I'll bet you he uses it to get his sculpted cheekbones. Seriously though, is he dying of lupus? Is the CDC aware of his condition? Someone do something.

My hero

Chrissy Crocker has been parading his hot tranny ass around Robertson Blvd again with a very special message to Perez Hilton. Which, coincidentally, is also my message to Perez. So I suppose in that way we are like-minded, Chrissy and me. Oh, that and our mutual love of flashing a little nip in the middle of the afternoon. Keeps things interesting.

ps

He's definitely wearing shoes from Paris Hilton's shoe line. 

Hot Tranny

This stunning creature is the lead singer of a German band called Tokyo Hotel. For some reason, all the teenagers are totally shitting themselves over him right now, and I can see why. For one thing, that hair is spec-fucking-tacular. Bitch probably uses enough hairspray to singularly burn a mile-wide hole in the ozone layer.

The look I think he's going for is post-op tranny who shops at Hot Topic and moonlights as a stripper named "Jennifer Moonthighs." Those Germans really like their femme boys. Tommy Girl should move there. He'd be in heaven.