Lil' Wayne is dignified

Weezy B celebrated his 25th Birthday with fellow Libras T.I. and Jeezy last night in Hot-lanta. And my God, what a classy party it was. You know you've arrived when you've got a grill full of diamonds and a birthday cake shaped like Louis Vuitton luggage. Lil' Wayne is the epitome of understated elegance. The only way he could possibly get any classier would be if he suddenly adopted an English accent and started drinking tea with his pinky out.
Here are some more pics from the event:

It must be ya ass cuz it ain't yo face....

I posted this video for no other reason than to remind everyone that Nelly is fucking awesome. Sure, he's one of the foremost purveyors of absolute trash ever to grace the hip-hop scene, but that's precisely what makes him so great. He's not one of those lame-ass rappers without any sense of irony (ahem, Diddy). He's in it for the money bay bay! Oh, and the ass. Don't forget the ass.

Watch the whole thing and you'll catch the best part at the very end when he takes a credit card and swipes in down a video vixen's ass crack. It's in such poor taste you can only love it. If you're offended you either have no sense of humor or you're just jealous. Or retarded.



*If you want to know what a tip drill is, check it out on UrbanDictionary.com, or ask your parents. That should be a private conversation.

Paris Hilton makes Mother Theresa look like Lindsay Lohan

Paris Hilton is making a humanitarian trip to Rwanda to help families and children in need. Well, I guess that's it. That's my punchline. There's nothing I could possibly say that could make that sound any more ridiculous. We might as well make her President of the United States.

Here's what she had to say:

“I want to visit more countries where poverty and children's issues are a big concern. I know there's a lot of good I can do just by getting involved and bringing attention to these issues.”

I'm no sociologist (actually, I'm just being modest. I am a sociologist.) but aren't poverty and "children's issues" also a problem in the U.S.? My guess is that she just wants an excuse to go to Africa to procure some home furnishings and blood diamonds on the cheap. She's probably going to fly in, pose for some pictures with some black children (maybe one of her holding one...or kissing it on the cheek?) then spend the rest of the time poaching elephants and demanding that a whole village give up it's water supply so she can take 45 minute showers. God, she is so selfless.

Tom Cruise is prepared

Tom Cruise is fucking crazy. That statement shouldn't need any backing up whatsoever, but if you happen to be the skeptical type, just get a load of this: he's building a $10 million dollar bunker at his Telluride, Colorado estate. Why, you ask? Well, to protect him and 9 other lucky people from the evil alien Xenu when he comes back to earth to destroy us all. Duh.

Seriously though, this thing is going to have a state-of-the-art air purification system and enough food and supplies to sustain ten people for years. And really, what better way to spend your money than to build a fortress to protect yourself in the event that some stupid doomsday prophecy perpetuated by the drug-fueled hallucinations of L. Ron Hubbard comes true? I mean, this is based on bulletproof logic, people.

For a rundown of what these kooks actually believe, check out the Wikipedia entry on it. I would say that no one could possibly be that fucking stupid--that it's all been blown out of proportion to make Scientologists seem even more retarded than they already are, but none of them will deny any of this information, so I guess it's true.

I couldn't resist including a couple of the more idiotic tenets of what these ass-clowns actually believe. These are my favorites:
- Psychiatry is responsible for WWI, the rise of Hitler and Stalin, the decline in education standards in the United States, the wars in Bosnia and Kosovo, and the September 11 attacks.
- Xenu is an alien ruler of the "Galactic Confederacy" who, 75 million years ago, brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs.

Um, yeah.

You'll never believe it: 50 Cent isn't quitting the music industry after all

When 50 Cent vowed to quit the music industry if Kanye's album outsold his, he obviously wasn't anticipating that it actually would outsell his. By a few hundred thousand copies. Oops.

The rapper worried fans when he canceled a number of scheduled appearances in the UK. But fret not. According to some dude, who I'm assuming is legitimate, "50 wants to go to Britain and perform tracks from his new 'Curtis' album for his UK fans. He doesn't want to let them down."

So, looks like crybaby Kanye wins after all. But he's still the loser because he's short. Look at him on his tippy-toes, trying to get on eye level with 50 (who's probably not that tall himself). He's about as threatening as that fat kid in the candy aisle who's flailing around on the floor because his mommy won't buy him a Tootsie Roll Pop. 50, on the other hand, is a big, scary black man who instills fear in people's hearts. Kanye might win, but only from a fiscal standpoint, if you get what I mean.

Kathy Griffin hates Jesus

I don't know how this slipped by me, but Kathy Griffin made the best Emmy speech ever. Actually, I'm pretty sure it was the best speech of all time. Sorry Martin Luther King, that I Have a Dream thing was momentous and all, but this shit just takes the cake. Here's what she said:

"I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. So, all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus.' This award is my god now."

Predictably, this statement pissed off some people in the South. A theater in, I shit you not, Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, took $90,000 of their own money to run a full-page ad in USA Today (obviously they chose the newspaper for halfwit illiterates) condemning her speech.

"We at The Miracle Theater consider it an honor to stand for Jesus today. We may never win a national award. We may never be household names. We may never be seen in Hollywood. Although others may choose to use their national platform to slander our God, we are honored as professional entertainers to stand for Christ."

Okay, whatever. You're entitled to your opinion and all, but dropping $90k to share it with a bunch of retards who read USA Today is probably not the most intelligent thing to do. Shit, for $90k they could have built a 300 foot tall Jesus and planted it on Kathy Griffin's front yard with a sign that says, "I'm watching you." That would have been way more powerful. And way more funnier.

Amy Winehouse is doing great

At the MOBO's last night in London, Amy Winehouse won the award for Best Female Singer and performed a couple of songs off her album. And by performed, I mean stumbled around on stage, forgot lyrics, and generally looked like hell. The sad part is, in spite of all that, the bitch can still wail. Her voice is amazing. Unfortunately, bitch is also crazy as hell and probably needs to go to a methadone clinic before she bites the head off of a small child. She looks like one of those crackheads you see on the corner trying to sell you a dog turd wrapped in newspaper for a dollar. She's about one overdose away from getting to that point.

FYI, the UK is awesome. Not only do they have an awards show called the Music of Black Origin, they have cool washed-up has-beens like Shaggy host it. I imagine they also hand out free joints to everyone in the audience and then make fun of stupid Americans all night long while they sip tea and eat crumpets. The Brits are sooooo classy.

This is going to turn out well

A judge ordered Britney Spears to take twice weekly random drug tests and to see a parenting coach if she wants to maintain custody of her 2 children. For now, the judge upheld the 50/50 custody split between Britney and The Federdouche. He also said that both parties were to restrain "from making derogatory remarks about the other party and the other party's family or significant other..." and he forbid "using corporal punishment with the minor children and from allowing anyone else to do so." In addition, both parents will be assigned a parenting coach and will have to complete a class called Parenting without Conflict.

I'd love to see the look on the parenting coach's face when Britney teeters in drinking a vodka Red Bull, hands Jayden James a pack of cigarettes to play with, and then has Sean Preston zip her up for her night of wild whoring at Hyde nightclub. She'll go, "What? What's wrong with that, y'all?" before she falls flat on her face and slips into unconsciousness for an hour or two while Sean Preston cries and Jayden James plays with light sockets and an empty bottle of Jack.

Seriously, it's not even like this is a joke anymore. I think her kids would probably be better off being raised by a microwave or a kitchen knife.

Tom Cruise is ready to have sex with Katie Holmes...through a sheet with a hole in it

Apparently TomKat is ready for baby #2. If we're not careful, there might one day be an army of self-righteous midgets trying to control the world through Scientology. Because they'd be Tom Cruise's kids, get it? But seriously, will someone please put something in the water that makes everyone in Hollywood sterile? It doesn't necessarily have to kill them--just turn their reproductive organs into mush.

Dave Grohl deserves a Nobel Peace Prize

Musician Dave Grohl had some harsh criticism for Paris Hilton. And by harsh criticism I mean completely legitimate accusations. The guy is officially my hero. Here's what he had to say:

"Paris is fucking lame. She's more offensive to me than anything. She's a total, raging, disgusting, rich, lazy party slut."

He added,

"I pray that my daughter will not turn out like her."

How awesome would a celebrity death match be between Dave Grohl and Paris Hilton? He'd probably take her by her big, fat head and just swing her around until her scrawny body broke off. Her only defense would be to try and rub her herpes all over him. But he would obviously prevail. Because, you know, God is on his side.

Heidi Montag continues assfucking the world with her 'musical talent'

Talentless ass-clown Heidi Montag celebrated her 21st last night at LAX. Pretty much no one famous showed up except Nick Cannon, who probably got there by accident and was held hostage. The worst part of the night had to be when Heidi decided to do an "impromptu" performance of her new single--by which I mean a carefully thought-out and choreographed lip-sych session.

If you like getting your ears raped while smashing your head against bricks, you'll probably think this is a pretty sick performance. If you have one shred of intelligence or dignity, it will make you want to kill yourself.

Delightfully tacky, yet unrefined.

Nothing exudes class quite like a sweaty, hairless vagina. Incidentally, it's also a great way to sell man perfume. At least according to Tom Ford. If these pictures are any indication of what the fragrance actually smells like, you could get a similar effect from just having sex in a sauna all day after you haven't showered for a week. And it would be cheaper, too.

Here's another, just in case you weren't grossed out enough already:

Dane Cook is the biggest douchebag in the universe

I hate Dane Cook. He's a self-absorbed, unfunny douchebag who thinks that just because he's relatively good-looking and banged Jessica Simpson he's God's Fucking gift to the world. Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer comedians with a healthy sense of self-deprecation. You can't really be funny if you think you're really funny,and Dane Cook definitely thinks he's a pretty nifty guy.

Well, now there's more evidence in favor of my opinion, since Dane Cook just released a single. Yeah, that's right. As in he sings. And it's not funny either. It's whiny emo shit. Just take a listen and watch the clip that they put together on Best Week Ever...I don't know if they were trying to make him look like the biggest weenie ever, but if they were, then mission accomplished!

Kanye West has a poopy diaper

I'm getting a little sick of hearing Kanye West whine about EVERYTHING. First he gets all butt-hurt because he doesn't win any stupid MTV awards, and now he's coming to Britney's "defense" by saying that MTV exploited her for ratings. Well congratulations, Inspector Obvious. How did you come up with that one? I mean really, what gave it away? The tabloid frenzy? The fact that MTV is a huge, faceless corporation owned by a bunch of money-hungry old white men? My God, MTV exploits artists?? This is the biggest news since just about ever.

But seriously, Kanye you need to maintain a little better than that. Don't get your panties in a bunch over stupid MTV awards. It makes you seem like kind of a weenie.

Just leave Britney alone!

This guy made my morning. Not only is he a poster child for teenage angst and the devastating effects of hormone surges, he's also certifiably insane. Enjoy.

Lil' Mama made it all worth it...

The VMA's might have seemed like a complete waste of my life if Lil' Mama hadn't showed up wearing this:


Amen for whoever thought of this ironic stab at wardrobe decorum. It was a diamond in a sea of Horse shit.

It's Britney, Bitch

Britney Spears' VMA performance was every bit as horrific as I knew it would be. She might as well have gone on stage in a bathrobe, eaten a bag of cheetos, belched loudly into the microphone, and then rolled over on her back to show us her ladybits. Jesus God, how much more of this drivel will we be subjected to?

Apparently (big surprise) the sucky performance wasn't Britney's fault! She was actually enraged by comments comedian Sarah Silverman made about her children in rehearsal. The monologue was supposed to be cut from the actual show, but Sarah ended up saying it anyway: “Have you seen Britney’s kids? Oh my god, they are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see! They are as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of.”

Okay, big deal. Your kids were a mistake. We wouldn't know your vagina was hairless (and believe me, we'd rather not) if you'd just wear a pair of fucking panties once in awhile. Since when did stating the obvious become an excuse for flopping around on stage like a beluga whale on tranquilizers? I mean, my God, you were scaring people! Did you see 50 Cent in the front row? The guy's been shot like, 15 times, and even he looked like he was being forced to watch the execution of a kitten. The whole thing felt like Britney giving America the finger. And for what? All we did was turn her into a sex symbol at the age of 15, skyrocket her to fame and wealth, and then ruin her life by ridiculing every mistake she ever made. I fail to see why she would want to punish us so severely...

Pete Doherty's crack kitty

Apparently Pete Doherty is taking innocent victims with him as he descends into his fog of chemical dependency and madness--and I'm not talking about Kate Moss. I'm talking about his kitten, Dinger. According to friends, he gets it high on crack regularly, and even made a little mini-crack pipe for it. The kitten has been showing signs of addiction, including withdrawal symptoms. Friends say that after the cat smokes crack it passes out, suffers mood swings, and thinks it can fly.

This story sounds like a bunch of crap to me. First of all, how can you tell if a cat is suffering mood swings or thinks it can fly? And second of all, now I have that Presidents of the United States of America song spinning around in my head..."Kitty at my foot and I wanna touch it/kitty at my foot and I wanna touch it/meow meow meow meow meow..."

Someone call child services...

Paris Hilton has revealed to British Elle that she's ready for the next step in her path to ultimate tabloid whoredom--she wants to have a baby. When I heard this my first instinct was to go out, buy a semiautomatic weapon, drive to LA, and shoot her in the face myself. Here is some of what she had to say in the interview:

"I just started working out and it feels great. It gives me so much energy. I want kids next year, so I've got to get my body ready.”

Next year? Is that all? Why not just flop down in the middle of Sepulveda Blvd., spread your legs, and see who gets there first? It could be a special on E! called "Paris Gets Knocked Up" and we could all make bets on whose sperm made it to the promised land. Criss Angel? Zac Efron? That homeless dude on the corner? We'll just have to wait until next season to find out!

Seriously though, someone needs to make sure this doesn't happen. I'm not endorsing any criminal activity I'm just saying...if it takes some bailing twine, a shovel, and a coat hanger, then so be it.

David LaChapelle is a genius

Um, I have no idea what the fuck is going on in Jennifer Lopez' new music video. But then again, it was directed by David LaChapelle, so I'm pretty sure that's the point. She just goes around kicking guys in the face and beating people up and there are sluts in cages running on hamster wheels. I'm pretty sure David LaChapelle could have put J. Lo. in a snake pit filled with dead babies and burned effigies of Fidel Castro and people would just go, "Wow, that's sooooooo artistic. How does he do it?"

Funny shit

Ugh. Yesterday totally sucked ass. Which is why we all need something lighthearted and mean-spirited to improve our mood. Behold the glory of planethiltron.com, a blog that doctors pictures of celebrities by affixing their mugs to the bodies of much more...um, average looking Americans. It is fucking hilarious. I've posted a few of my favorites, but you must go to the website and check it out. If stuff like this can exist then there are truly good people in this world.

Racism? What racism??

For those of you who don't know about the Jena Six, please read this article. I don't normally write about important shit but this just makes me so mad I could cry.

So six students have been charged with attempted murder for beating up a white student. Keep in mind the victim did suffer a concussion and multiple bruises, but was well enough to attend a school function on the day of the beating. Parents of the students charged with attempted murder say the town is determined to "keep institutionalized slavery alive and well." Most white residents however, see no connection between the nooses hanging from the tree in the school's quad (an act that was dismissed as nothing more than "a prank" by school officials) and the fight that broke out months later. In the words of the town's librarian, it "just didn't seem to be racist."

Meanwhile 2 of the students whose parents were unable to make bail (set between $70,000 and $120,000) have spent the past 7 months in jail awaiting trial. Keep in mind, these kids are between the ages of 15 and 17 and they're facing 20 years to life in prison. One student has already been convicted of aggravated battery by an all-white jury and faces 22 years.

Seriously though, this shit is ridiculous. It just really goes to show how far we haven't come. The district attorney was out to get these kids from the beginning. He told the local paper that when the students were convicted, he would seek the maximum penalty allowed, and threatened in a school assembly that he could "end their lives with the stroke of a pen."

According to one of the boys' fathers, for better or for worse, now his son "knows what it is to be black."