He's not as dumb as we all thought

Whenever Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his mouth, cool stuff comes out. Who can forget his many memorable one-liners from Pumping Iron? God, he was awesome in that movie.

Anyway, he's at it again. After boldly proclaiming he's never done drugs, he either remembered or was reminded that there's video footage of him smoking weed in a 1970's documentary. So he says this:

"That is not a drug. It's a leaf. My drug was pumping iron, trust me."

And the guy isn't lying. Here's how he described the art of bodybuilding in Pumping Iron:

"It's as satisfying to me as, uh, coming is, you know? As, ah, having sex with a woman and coming. And so can you believe how much I am in heaven? I am like, uh, getting the feeling of coming in a gym, I'm getting the feeling of coming at home, I'm getting the feeling of coming backstage when I pump up, when I pose in front of 5,000 people, I get the same feeling, so I am coming day and night. I mean, it's terrific. Right? So you know, I am in heaven."

How can you possibly fault such bulletproof logic? What does a guy need drugs for if his whole life is one long orgasm? You can't defeat the Governator. And do you know why? Because it's impossible to defeat someone who has his head so far up his ass that he hasn't seen the light of day for the better half of this century. Now that's what makes a good politician.

Lo is still my fave bitch on The Hills

Monday night's episode was pretty gay. Lauren went on a date with some gnome-faced model which got Brody all jealous and protective, and they had ANOTHER barbecue on the beach at Brody's and Lauren talked about herself a lot, and Heidi did her makeup and Spencer just douched around because he doesn't have a job. You know, the usual. But one morsel of comedic relief was provided by the always reliably honest Lo, who expressed her excitement at meeting Lauren's new boytoy because, as she said, "I love passing judgment on people." We're like birds of a feather. I love passing judgment on people too! What's this moderately intelligent, self-aware chick doing hanging out with these mongoloids?

Note: the clip is of deleted scenes from Season 1 where Lo convinces Lauren she needs to buy a Vespa (and matching helmet) for her move to San Francisco. Hilarity ensues!

This is going to suck donkey balls

The trailer for Paris Hilton's new movie, Repo: The Genetic Opera, was released by Lions Gate and it looks pretty craptacular. I don't get the premise, really. A horror film musical? With Paris Hilton? They might as well try to make a mockumentary about the holocaust. You know, one that makes fun of all the Jews. Because that would be hilarious!

Disclaimer: after watching this you will most surely become despondent, and/or extremely irate. I recommend you stay away from blunt objects and watch something awesomely soothing after, like The Hills.

The Ho hits up the beach

Heidi-Ho and Spencer hit up the beach last week to 'film' her new music video. And by 'film her new music video' I mean have Heidi writhe around like a paraplegic who's fallen out of her wheelchair while Spencer follows her around with a camera and a boombox. The production value on this thing must have been in the neighborhood of $5. Check out the behind the scenes footage on TMZ.com. Good times.

the cryogenically frozen head of--Paris Hilton?

In maybe the most awesome news ever, Paris Hilton is preparing herself for immortality by investing large sums of money in the Cryogenics Institute. You heard me right. Paris wants to be cryogenically frozen with her two dogs, Tinkerbell and Cinderella. Here's what she had to say:

"Almost all the cells in the body are still alive when death is pronounced... if you're immediately cooled you can be perfectly preserved. My life could extend by hundreds of thousands of years!"

Holy mother of God. Dear Jesus. WHY? I mean, don't get me wrong, I would be ecstatic if Paris had her head frozen in a jar, but what about future generations? Are we really so nearsighted that we can't see the bigger picture? Imagine the damage she could do a thousand years from now. Who knows what kind of technology they'll have. What if they clone her? What if she steals a time machine and makes herself Rupert Murdoch? Can you imagine if our media was controlled by Paris Hilton? 24-hour news networks devoted to Paris, The Real World starring seven Parises...Could you live with yourself knowing full well that this is the legacy you'll be passing on to future generations? Well I don't know about you, but I actually have a soul. I won't let this happen!

This is what a fake breast looks like:

Lindsay HOhan was out shopping in LA yesterday sporting some serious side-boob. And FYI, those things are definitely not real. Don't get me wrong, it's really top-notch work. I'd like the name of her surgeon, in fact.

But remember when she looked like this?


Yeah, that was back when she was getting a bunch of flack for being too skinny. So what did she do? Eat more cheeseburgers? Go to the gym? Stop throwing up the lettuce and ketchup she had for lunch? HELL NO!! She got a boob job! And everyone totally fell for it. The media praised her new "womanly" figure and parents everywhere rejoiced that their daughters would no longer be worshiping a stick figure from the Rachel Zoe School of Blatant Anorexia.

So, the moral of the story is, if people think you're too skinny, don't gain an ounce! Just get your boobs done. Keep binging, purging, and starving to your little hearts' content! Beat the system!

And this is America...

Some douche named Katt Williams showed up to the BET Hip Hop awards wearing a noose around his neck. A fucking noose. Worst of all, I'm sure he was totally aware that there were members of the Jena Six in attendance. What was he trying to do, be ironic? Thought-provoking? The only thing ironic about this outfit is that he wasn't punched in the face by someone with common human decency.

Has anyone even heard of this ass-clown? He's a comedian? Wow, he must be a fucking riot.

Lindsay is doing great!

Lindsay Lohan is officially off the wagon. This news is about as shocking as the news that Paris Hilton is going to be filming her trip to Rwanda. As in, not shocking at all. Anyone who thought she'd last longer than 5 minutes on the outside is obviously either retarded or putting too much faith in God. Maybe both. In addition, she's broke as hell:

"And now the 21-year-old is so skint she can't afford her own place—and has become a lodger at a rich pal's mansion. Her extravagant spending spree includes:

* A MILLION dollars on just one hotel bill
* $137,000 in rehab costs as she battles her hopeless addiction to drink and drugs
* THOUSANDS more in legal fees after multiple drink driving convictions.

We can reveal that after jetting back to Los Angeles this week following her two-month stay at the Utah's Cirque Lodge rehab clinic, Lohan is staying in the guest house of billionaire Tom Gores, executive producer on her recent film I Know Who Killed Me."

Like I said before, the hits just keep on coming. Next up: Daddy Lohan grants an exclusive interview to Entertainment Tonight, The Insider, In Touch Weekly, Star, and OK! chronicling the ongoing battle with his inner demons and "that thing with his daughter." Then Dina will fire back on Oprah, calling him a sex addict and a liar, and insist that Lindsay is "doing great and trying to surround herself with positive people." Then Lindsay will end up face down in a pile of her own vomit at Hyde, with her skirt pulled up over her head and penises drawn all over her face. Then she'll be arrested again for carrying a concealed firearm. Then back to rehab, then repeat. I know because I'm psychic. Just kidding, I know because it's fucking obvious.

It can't be...

Rapper T.I. has been arrested for allegedly stockpiling enough automatic weapons to bring down the Ugandan government. Apparently his bodyguard was caught trying to purchase silencers from undercover agents. And I don't know why, but I think T.I. is innocent. He's just too ridiculously good-looking to be guilty. Good-looking people don't do bad things. It's a scientific fact. Besides, I'm sure there was a perfectly reasonable explanation. Like, he was donating the guns to a whale sanctuary. Or an orphanage. Or, I dunno, Cuba. Whatever. He's hot.

Here's some pics of T.I. for your manjoyment:

Paris Hilton is a fucking saint

Paris Hilton really doesn't want us to forget about her. She's going on a humanitarian trip to Rwanda, remember? She's totally changed, remember? She wants everyone to know that there's more to her than her famewhoring public image would suggest. So she does what any soldier of God would do: she's making a reality show.

"Paris Hilton is set to journey to Rwanda on a charity mission with the Playing for Good organization, and as it is always the case, cameras will be following her. Paris’ five-day trek to the African country, where she will visit clinics and schools, will be filmed with the hopes of selling it as a reality show titled The Philanthropist."

That's right folks, Paris Hilton is a philanthropist. Feel free to jump out a 12-story window at any time. She wants to use the show to prove to everyone how hardworking she is. But I don't think there's any doubt about how hardworking she is. I mean Jesus, sucking all that dick and collecting venereal diseases must be exhausting. And yet she still somehow finds the time to be photographed with black children. Is there no limit to her saintliness?

Kernels of wisdom from Ann Cuntler...

"No, we think — we just want Jews to be perfected, as they say … I don’t think you should take it [as offensive], but that is what Christians consider themselves: perfected Jews. We believe the Old Testament. As you know from the Old Testament, God was constantly getting fed up with humans for not being able to, you know, live up to all the laws. What Christians believe — this is just a statement of what the New Testament is — is that that’s why Christ came and died for our sins. Christians believe the Old Testament. You don’t believe our testament."

Now, will someone please get me a hammer, some bailing twine, and a shovel?

Jem warns kids about the dangers of lesbian pedophiles, shoplifting, and prescription pills

I used to watch this show as a kid. I don't remember it being so educational or informative, though. I guess I can credit Jem for the fact that I never got in a strange car with a lesbian pedophile who told me my parents had been in an accident. Jem saved my life!

Kanye West is a really good rapper

Kanye West got his ass schooled by Mos Def when the two engaged in a friendly freestyle battle. Mos fucking kills it! And Kanye...well, Kayne does what we've all come to expect him to do: namely, suck some big, fat donkey balls. To be fair, it wasn't even a fair match from the start. It's like taking Sebastian Bach and putting him in a piano recital against a retarded kid with ADHD. But here it is, for your enjoyment:

Victoria Beckham is so lifelike...

Victoria Beckham showed up to the opening of the Roberto Cavalli flagship store looking...well, like this:

My God, what's happened to her rack? Did it always look that ridiculous? It's like she came into her surgeon's office and said, "I want breasts that look like upturned cereal bowls, only less lifelike, and even more firm, okay?" And the surgeon thought, alright, this will take some improvisation, so he replaced her saline implants with grapegruit halves and said, "Voila! My masterpiece is complete!"

Seriously though, I think I could make more realistic looking breasts out of a tire iron and a 2X4...

F. Baby arrested--takes badass mug shot

Lil' Weezy was arrested in Boise, Idaho, of all Godawful places, probably for being black. No, I'm just kidding, he probably did something bad, because that's how he rolls. But really, isn't this an attractive mug shot? I can't empirically define why I find a 5'2'', grill-wearing, iced out, parrot-mouthed rapper attractive, but I do. I really, really do.

R Kelly gets down to some 'Real Talk'

R Kelly released a song exclusively for YouTube so he could swear as much as he wants to and it's called 'Real Talk' because, you know, it's real and shit. So, basically he's on the phone with his girl who's accusing him of cheating because her girlfriends say they saw him at a club with some other ho. So he just keeps it real, tells her not to listen to those "jealous no man-having assholes," and then, inexplicably, "What they eat don't make us shit." Huh? I mean, I would say that I don't get it, but that's kind of like admitting you don't understand the Bible. People will make fun of you.

It's Britney (again) Bitch

Um, I guess this is Britney's much anticipated video for her single "Gimme More." It looks like it was made in some dude's basement using a camcorder and a home computer circa 1999 with a budget of about $15. My guess is that the budget started out a lot bigger, but 99% of it had to be used for Big Macs and Venti iced caramel frappuccinos just to keep Britney from storming off the set. She'd be like, "I don't have to take this, y'all! I'm going home!" And then someone would point out to her that her driver left and she doesn't have a license, and she'd just collapse into a heap on the floor and cry in between stuffing her face with Whoppers.

The Hills is about 'relationships'

On Monday's episode of The Hills, Lo got drunk and flashed her "Britney," Lauren had a major makeout sesh with Brody, and Justin "Bobby" pissed everyone off when he drank his shot before Brody had a chance to make some lame-ass toast about 'true friends.' Saying it was "entertaining" is like saying Hitler was "pretty bad." There are currently no words in the English language capable of expressing the awesomeness that is The Hills. When there are (which is probably impossible) I'll let you know.

You can check out the ultra-explosive scenes from next week here.

Oh, and here's a 'clip' (aka really lame recording someone took off their TV and put on You Tube) of my favorite Hills moment ever--when we're introduced to Justin "Bobby." Watch his face. It's priceless.

Ann Coulter is still fucking annoying

Ann Coulter is a complete fucking retard. Half the shit that comes out of her mouth is total bullshit meant to shock people and get them talking. Which is why I almost didn't even want to bring her up. Because if you talk about Ann Coulter, Ann Coulter wins. But still, if you help propagate the retarded crackpot theories she comes up with, maybe someone will get mad enough to kill her. Oh wait, you didn't hear that from me.

Here's some of the latest from an interview she did with the New York Observer:

"If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president. It's kind of a pipe dream, it's a personal fantasy of mine, but I don't think it's going to happen. And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women. It also makes the point, it is kind of embarrassing, the Democratic Party ought to be hanging its head in shame, that it has so much difficulty getting men to vote for it. I mean, you do see it’s the party of women and 'We’ll pay for health care and tuition and day care -- and here, what else can we give you, soccer moms?'"

In order to be a polarizing figure (which is what I assume she's going for) what she says actually has to make a modicum of sense. All she's doing now is uniting people against her. She's like that crazy lady on the corner who poops her pants and carries on animated monologues about UFOs and Reaganomics. No one with a vagina, much less a brain, would take anything she has to say seriously.

And now the inevitable...

In the I-saw-this-coming-from 8,000,000-miles-away news, Britney lost custody of her kids today to the Federdouche. The ruling is only temporary until further notice of the court, but I'm afraid to say that K Fed has this one in the bag. The only way he could possibly make himself look worse than Britney is if he walked into the courtroom wearing a purple pimp suit with a 12-year-old girl in a bikini on each arm and a sign around their necks that reads: "$5 OBO." Short of that, he doesn't really have to do anything except hope that Britney keeps being Britney. And the chances of that are exactly 220%. I know because I'm a scientist and I calculated the probability using complex algorithms. It's way over your head.